What's Going On

So what's really wrong with me? Anyone wondering that? Sometimes I do. My therapist says it's severe depressive disorder mixed with anxiety but my brain tries to constantly tell me there's either more than that or nothing at all and I'm making it all up. Yes, I'm so far in my disorder that I don’t trust my own symptoms and signs. I have so little trust in myself, I wonder if I have the inability to believe anything of myself. But it’s there. When I stop and look and at my situation, my life, as an outsider, I can see things a little different.

On the average day, I wake up sweating from bad sleep and nightmares, usually sore, and begin by dreading the day ahead of me. Hours to fill. I get up and go straight to the garage to smoke a cigarette where I will sit for at least an hour to prepare for the day. Sometimes it's a lot longer depending how early I need to get moving. I'm usually scrolling social media or watching a show. Disengaged but putting off getting ready. Most days I won't shower, I'll simply change my clothes and brush my teeth. I may or not brush my hair. Then I might eat so I can take my medicine but it's usually unhealthy food that I'm consuming. Then I’ll go back out for another cigarette and another binge session. I might get up eventually and do housework, dishes or laundry, but soon I'll be right back out in the garage doing nothing productive.

That's it, over and over. Cycles of sleeping, eating, smoking, and mindless scrolling. It's boring and keeps my depression nice and happy. But most of the time, I don't have energy for anything but the bare minimum. My girls wanted play hide and seek today. I agreed but grudgingly. Then I only played a couple times before I found a reason I needed to quit. Why? There was nothing so important that I couldn't keep playing but there I was saying, no honey, I'm not playing anymore. And that's the part I hate the most. Being no fun. That's how I feel anyways. Like a Debbie Downer. And the really sad part is, if I would just let myself have relax, I usually have a lot of fun. Today though there was too much on my mind. Too much to get done and not enough motivation to do it.

There's so much weighing me down it almost hurts. I have insurance issues to worry about since the accident, paperwork to fill out to get the help I need, a job to find, a bad habit to quit, a blog to maintain and produce content for, a family to love and care for, and function as an adult all at once. It's enough to make me want to curl up in bed under the blankets and not move for hours. But that's the old me, ignoring my problems, hoping they will go away. These days, I write about my problems to work through them.

Today is a hard day because I want to relax and spend time with my family, but there's things that I need to do. Again, I am at odds. It’s exhausting, every day having to reconcile two halves that refuse to coexist seamlessly. I am at constant war whether I like it or not. Fighting the voices in my head that want to keep me down. Giving to voice that is kind while the other rakes claws through my mind and body. It's a pain I've grown so accustomed to that I often times ignore it when I should be trying to heal it. Hence, why I brought it here to share. The more I write, the more I understand. Yes, the more I hurt, but the more I am also able to compartmentalize properly, instead of stuffing it down or trying to ignore it. I encourage anyone who is struggling, to write. Even if you don't post it for others to read, it will help you more than you realize. It's not always easy for me to think clearly in the moment. But taking time to write down an incident will give you a chance to then look at it with new eyes and see things from the outside and give you a chance to think through the situation a little bit. I also recommend the journal, "Story of my Life." You can find it at Walmart in the pen notebook section. Particularly good for working through past, present, and future issues. Every little bit helps, trust me!

Ta for now my friends,

Tabitha