Alone Time

Keeping to the topic of things I’m not very good at: alone time. Being alone is my biggest fear. Yes, spiders still creep me out and small dark spaces usually trigger a panic attack, but nothing hits quite like being alone. I never know what to do with myself, and I always do the wrong things. I can be half a pack deep in cigarettes and not realize I’ve been sitting in the garage for hours doing nothing. Mindlessly scrolling social media or binge watching a show or movie series. I can get lost in something don’t get me wrong, but I’m not being productive or using my creative juices. I used to be so crafty. Even if I wasn’t good at something, I still had fun creating.

As a child, I used my imagination to its full extent. Creating schoolbooks to give substance to my Hogwarts adventure. Tracing my favorite characters and decorating my room with the artwork. As I grew older those tendencies turned to writing poetry, but I was still creating. Still allowing my imagination to work through me to create a physical something. As an adult, I’ve lost my love of creating or at least my passion to do so. I still love creating. Wrapping gifts for Christmas I felt a bit of that joy, knowing the things we picked out would bring others happiness. But it is hard for me to find that when I am by myself. And the more alone time I have, the sadder and more depressed I get. I just want to sleep the time away, which saddens me more to think of the time I am wasting. But sometimes I just can’t handle the pressure of being alone with myself for that amount of time.

There’s plenty I could be doing too. I have numerous books I could read including a new graphic novel. I could write in my new journal. Do the dishes or laundry. Take the Christmas decorations down, and so on and so forth. But I have no desire or motivation to do those things and I feel like I let myself down in those moments. I would much rather sit and stare than tidy my space or do something that I might enjoy. Is there too much for me to do? Am I simply overwhelmed as usual and want to face my problems like always by ignoring them?

I think this all goes back to what I mentioned in my previous blog about not liking myself. Would you want to spend hours alone with someone you didn’t get along with? Probably not. Hence my daily struggle and why that struggle intensifies when I’m left alone. And these days, I have plenty of alone time.

When I quit my job, I had so many plans for all that alone time. I wanted to do so much in the house, get things cleaned and organized. If anything, the house has gotten messier. Things are more cluttered than ever and now there’s the task of taking Christmas decorations down and putting the house back together. All daunting tasks when my depression has me stuck to my couch not wanting to move. Funny how even though I feel better and my spirits are up, and I couldn’t ask for a thing right now, I’m still depressed. Not funny really, more sad to me. Something I would definitely like to discuss with my therapist today.

It's in these moments though that I most need to take a step back and stop being so hard on myself. I didn’t get as much done as I planned because I wasn’t off work that whole time. I ended up working two days last week and will have worked three days this week. While that may not seem like a lot, remember, there was a reason why I quit in the first place. But since I am unable to say no, and I knew we could use the money, I picked up the shifts when they needed help. Turns out there’s a reason for everything. I was second guessing my decision to leave. It was nice to have a little reminder. Not that anything bad happened, but even just two days last week was stressful. Trying to catch up what hadn’t been done, see where my replacement had left off, and make sure that the days I wouldn’t be there would be covered. There’s more, but due to HIPPA I can’t exactly go into details. Those of you that wok in healthcare though, you understand the daily pressures that are the new norms and what COVID has brought into your facilities. I could write for hours on how COVID has affected not only me, but others I know and love, but I won’t. That’s a tale for another day.

My point is, I’m still healing and still learning. Still trying to figure out how to be me and how to be alone with me and be ok. It’s hard. Especially not having a good relationship with myself. I don’t often see how hard I’m being on myself until later and then I can understand things better. By then I have usually caused more damage than if I had I just been patient with myself, but no one is perfect. We all have demons and things that seem insurmountable. The point is to not get lost in them, remember? This is something I work on every day.

Remember that thirty minutes we talked about? If you’re struggling with alone time, try the thirty-minute exercise. Just do something for thirty minutes, no thinking, worrying, or planning, just enjoy your own company while you engage in an activity that makes you happy. Whether that is playing a video game, or reading a book, or watching an episode of that show you have been binge watching! Give yourself that thirty minutes every day and watch how it helps you better understand yourself and get along with you. That’s my plan! If you need, start smaller. Go every other day or once a week to start then add more from there the more comfortable you get. Whatever you do, don't give up!