Friends with Me

When the week started, I had such high hopes. I think I feel into a trap. The trap of thinking that quitting my job would solve some, if not all, of my problems. It did not. It did add some problems. And if I’m honest it did alleviate some too. I’m no longer surrounded by toxicity of others. No longer dealing with the stress of COVID and its daily impact on the health care field. However, I am still depressed. I am still going days without stepping into the shower. Still having to take Ativan to make it through certain situations. Still sitting on the couch, wishing it would just all stop for a minute. If I could get just a moment of peace from the constant stress and anxiety of just being me. Not going to work every day didn’t change the fact that I am me.

I think I thought all my problem existed because of my job and that not working would magically change my situation. But no. My problems still exist. And small though they may be to others, never underestimate the size of a stressor. Or trigger. Incidentally, I am still triggered outside of work. And boy did that rock my world. Sent me spiraling, actually. And I was disappointed. In myself for so many reasons. I had so many high expectations for this week and they all came tumbling down around me. I wanted to be better and I was watching myself fail. But again, I had set the bar so high, it was like I set myself up to fail from the start. Like I always do. I felt like a hypocrite all the sudden; telling others to be patient with themselves, and expect failures, when here I was having a breakdown over my own. So, I stepped back, took a breath, and reset. I started over. Why? Because I’m allowed. I am human and I’m not perfect and I’ve got to stop trying so hard to be. Step 1 to life, expect failures, but don’t get lost in them.

My therapist and I had a long conversation about this, and at the time I had no idea why I was so sad and angry still. It wasn’t until looking at my original blog draft that I realized I was utterly disappointed in myself. Thankfully, my therapist seemed to have known I would need this because he told me to work on being more careful with myself and finding ways to calm my center. It’s like he’s getting to know me the longer we get together each week! I am also getting to know me and it seems I am not a very good friend to myself.

By that I mean, one of my biggest struggles is being alone and entertaining myself and if anyone else in the same boat, I suggest a friendervention. Yes, I just made a word up. Be friends with yourself, please. It seems like a weird concept, but you should be your own best friend, not your own worst enemy. Pick something that makes you happy, chases the demons away, or gets you out of your head, and enjoy it for a full thirty minutes. Just thirty minutes of uninterrupted you time. Time where you are kind to yourself and you nurture that child within that is so desperately crying for attention.

So that is our goal for this upcoming week, you and I: to be friends with ourselves. To fund ways to reconnect with ourselves. Whether that is through an old tv show, new music, or journaling about past and present. Get to know yourself a little better and then give yourself a reward. Like that thirty minutes of interrupted worry time. Shut it all down and relax for the full time and then see where the day takes you!