What Really Helps?

A few things to note before I begin:

1. Those that need help dictate what kind of help they get; not the ones giving help
2. People are more important than money
3. Work refers to more than just getting a paycheck
4. The world is a mess and we all have a responsibility in fixing it

The best thing you can do for the world right now is work through your trauma.

Go back to your childhood. Were there times that you were made to feel as though you were a burden? Were your emotions viewed as valid, or were you shamed for having them? Were all of your needs (physical, emotional, and spiritual) met, or did you have to fend for yourself in any of those areas? Did you receive unconditional love? These are some of the introductory questions when working with your inner child.

Now to early adulthood. Did you feel as though you were being yourself? Were you free to express your thoughts truthfully, express your feelings truthfully, or were you shamed into silence? Were all of your needs (physical, emotional, and spiritual) met, or did you have to fend for yourself in any of those areas? Did you have people nearby that cared about you and understood you, or did you feel as though you were alone? Did you receive unconditional love?

Many of us experience some form of trauma in childhood or early adulthood. There are lots of traumas that can be experienced after early adulthood, but it's rarely the first trauma experienced at that stage; the initial trauma & your response to it will dictate how you react to the traumas experienced later. There is a broad spectrum of trauma, and I would argue that every human walking on earth has gotten some form of it.

When we experience a trauma, the way we store information in the brain changes. If all our memories are in filing cabinets, the papers are shuffled and put back in the wrong place every time we experience a trauma. In simplest terms, trauma changes the way we react to situations or a stimulus. This is why the initial trauma is so important; did you deal with it in a healthy way? Have you healed, or do you slip into an unrecognizable state when you experience similar things now? Do you lose control of your thoughts or actions? Do you say things without thinking them fully through? If that's the case, it's likely that you slip into a trauma response. When this happens, it's common to respond in the ways that harmed us, even though it seems counter-intuitive; often resulting in even more shame and guilt. That's why people who grew up in an abusive home are more likely to abuse their children; when you don't know how to react to a situation, you slip into the subconscious programming that's hard-wired into your brain. For most people, that programming could be the patterns they observed in childhood. If a person is emotionally neglected in their childhood, they are likely to emotionally neglect their children in the same ways; sometimes even using the same tactics or words that were used to harm them.

It's important to be aware of the programming that we slip into. Mindfulness and meditation practices are a common way to identify and change these unhealthy patterns; cannabis or psychedelic trips are other options. These processes are often called "shadow work," and you can think of your shadow as the subconscious state you slip into when you're stuck in a trauma response.

Speaking form personal experience, the shadow can dictate your life. I actively in a trauma response state for years, and didn't realize the control that I was handing over to this hurt little shadow. I thought I head "dealt with" the things I went through. When faced with a problem, real Lauren would hide in the corner and shadow Lauren would take over. This Lauren spoke out of anxiety, out of rage, out of all the things I had shoved down to convince myself I had properly dealt with everything. I use the phrase "shoving down" quite literally, as this suppression of my nervous system for half of my life caused real harm to my physical body.

Once I saw that this was happening, I started treating the shadow like I would treat any of my friends, or students, little cousins, whatever. Every time she was angry about something, I held that anger with compassion. I'm begging you to try to sit and have a conversation with yourself next time you slip into a trauma response. Become your eye and turn around (so that you're facing your brain), walk a little ways until you feel it's time to sit down and close your eyes. When your mind is quiet, your inner child will come and sit with you. I know it sounds crazy, but if you let it, the conversation will flow naturally. Don't judge the responses or anything your inner child says, don't stop yourself from thinking something just because it's "bad," don't restrict that inner child. They're probably angry; just listen and remember that there's no such thing as a bad emotion. You may learn something you didn't know.

Why is this so important?

Empathy. Compassion.

If you haven't worked through your own trauma, it's likely that you're inadvertently causing harm. When you're responding from your shadow, in a trauma response, your brain will do whatever it takes to keep safe - which includes emotional safety like protecting the biases you have or saying whatever it takes to get you out of a situation, even helping you forget things that could hurt.

Your ability to understand and work through your own trauma also impacts your ability to understand the trauma of others. Part of the protecting that our brain does is tuning out information that we aren't ready to hear, or throwing a fit when we hear information that doesn't fit in the boxes we have for it.

Systemic racism is a form of trauma. Having unhealed trauma can keep you from understanding the complexities of systemic racism & the trauma it causes. If your emotional development is stunted from your trauma, no shame! We have all been there! But I hope you can realize that you may not have a realistic concept of the lives of others if that is the case. We are all living in our own worlds. Some choose to give up their individual realities identities for the collective one, but it's still their personal perception of the world. This group identity is a false sense of security, it's codependent behavior, which is an extremely common trauma response. Be aware of it, work to identify the patterns of harmful behavior that we participate in. When we start doing it for ourselves, we can be better advocates for others in our lives, like children (or adults, honestly) that may be experiencing the same thing we did.

Once you have a better grasp on the complexities and paradoxes of your own mind, you'll be able to have a better grasp on the minds and lives of others. You'll have the ability to have compassion towards those that haven't experienced what you've experienced, since your shadow will no longer be in control of what you hear and learn. Inner work can help us move towards a more compassionate and empathetic world.