Fawning

The first two trauma responses are relatively well known: fight or flight. It’s built into us, but there are four responses. The third is freeze, which is relatively self-explanatory. The fourth is fawn.

In simplest terms, fawning is resorting to people-pleasing as a trauma response. It essentially comes down to wanting to avoid future trauma responses at all costs; including putting everyone else’s comfort above your own. It seems counter-intuitive, to try to make other people happy rather than just trying to make yourself happy. It may be different for others, but for me me, it’s better to be uncomfortable for a little while than to cause a conflict.

I fawned for those around me for years. It probably started when I was a child, and lasted until I was 19-20. I was always a “teacher’s pet,” I did everything I could to keep my parents happy, and any other adults in my life. Many in my generation were made to feel responsible for the moods of everyone around us. If mom was mad, there was something I should’ve done differently to avoid that feeling for her. If the teacher was in a bad mood, it’s just because we could be listening better.

In all honesty, our feelings are our own. As children, we pick up on the emotional response patterns of those around us. It took years of observing that pattern with my mom to identify it, and even begin to think of how to break it. After I identified the pattern, I was able to identify the parts of myself that were formed from those experiences. I’m not as angry as I used to be.

Before I knew all of that, I changed who I was based on who I was around (family, teachers, friends). I didn’t ever want to up anything to “upset the fruit basket.” A lot of us secretly choose this response, and may find it difficult to break these cycles of codependent behavior. Christians (especially tightly-bound groups such as evangelical churches) are especially prone to this codependent behavior, as we are used to putting all our pain, sorrow, and worries on Jesus. This may belong in another entry, but Jesus came so that WE could use unconditional love to solve our problems and heal relationships. Not so that we could ignore all of our problems and say “everything will be fine in heaven.” This is a harmful behavior, and is one contributing factor in my choice to deconstruct my faith.

When fawning no longer works, people may resort to the more primal fight or fighting responses. If there are folks that feel that they bottle themselves up and end up accidentally exploding on someone (usually either a loved one or a complete stranger). The best medicine is to begin acknowledging all of the thoughts that arise for us - even the ones we may perceive as bad - and you’ll realize there are no bad thoughts. There are patterned thoughts, and some of those patterns may not serve us anymore. But all our thoughts are valid and deserve to be treated with love; never shame. Most harmful patterns were formed out of self-defense, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But once we realize they’re harmful, we need to work to let it go.

The truer we can be to our authentic self, the better. Even if our authentic self can be an asshole sometimes. If you believe in a creator, in a shared energy, in inner divinity: feel that unconditional love, and make more of it. Feel that love for all of your thoughts, all of your past actions, all of your bloodline’s actions. Make double the amount of unconditional love, and spread it to the ones you love unconditionally. We need to stop expecting perfection.