What Is The True Source Of Confidence?

With the rapid pace at which our world is growing, with all its advancements and daily, new requirements — more than ever, confidence is becoming a key element in whether or not some of us (and our dreams) will make it through this emerging era of everything-and-everyone-must-be-perfect.

Of course, developing a strong sense of confidence may not just be about society and its demands; maybe it could just be about your world’s demands — your career, your relationships, your finances, your spiritual life and so on. No matter where we are in the grand scheme of life and no matter what our aspirations are — the physical world is built from this very foundation of expression — of bringing things into form which is done through communication, asserting/expressing ourselves and going after those things we want for ourselves.

Unfortunately, we all felt a lack of confidence at some point in our lives and for most of us, it has been the case for years and still continues up to this day. We could say then that living on Earth is not the easiest of things. Most people try their best to hide this sense of lack of confidence under aggressive behaviors, muscles, yelling, brands, money, relationships, etc. It may help in the outside world, but not at home — when we’re alone with ourselves. Thus, it’s not a viable solution.

When it comes to confidence, and contrary to most spectrums, people are not in between — actually, most of us are lost on either side of the extremes, which are:

1. Lack of confidence: translated as “You can have my place, my food, my money, I’m nice, take it all, I can even not exist at all if that’s what you prefer” and,

2. Greed: “More, more, more, I don’t care what’s on the way. Get them all, sacrifice it all, we’ve got to win, we compete, we’re ‘evil’. Etc.”

Now, let’s discuss things in more details to eradicate the mysteries around confidence, hopefully, once and for all.

What is confidence?

Here’s a definition from the dictionary:

Confidence: a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances (Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/confidence)

Obviously, there are many other similar definitions which all point out to a feeling of certitude in one’s capacity to deal with life and rely on oneself.

Even though such definitions explain confidence quite well, let’s take it a bit further for the purpose of our work here. Below are some questions to direct us in the right, well, direction.

To reply back to confidence’s definition, how do we come to develop a feeling of certitude in our ability to deal with life’s challenges? How do we come to rely on ourselves no matter what happens in our life?

For most of my life, I’ve been watching everything from a certain distance. People, places, trees, bees, and so on. I like to watch things because it helps me notice subtle patterns I wouldn’t be able to see if I was in the midst of it all.

— Personal conversations between you and me

For many decades, and actually throughout most of human history…

We’ve seen (or heard about) the different ways people lived, by what ‘code’ they chose to experience life, what kind of rules they followed and for what purposes, etc.

We’ve come to learn through different stories, myths, legends, facts and so on — how to behave, what to do to live ‘properly’, what example to follow and what not to do, etc.

Somehow, by being repeatedly exposed to this information, dressed in different clothes of cultures and countries — we’ve come to agree on certain principles regarding human existence. Not only were these things written and taught, but they entered our subconscious mind — becoming our very code of living, and obviously the one we’d share with future generations, thus reinforcing the different patterns, confidence being one of them.

Before we continue, it’s essential that we repeat this, we mean by confidence, a certitude in ourselves and in our abilities to deal with life, but also going after what we want, experiencing life and everything it has to offer with complete openness and determination. Mainly and briefly, confidence here means the ideal, what everyone should strive for to answer the bigger questions of life such as finding our place in the universe, and a meaning to our existence.

Through what is now part of us, we’ve associated confidence with the pursuit and completion of goals. Whether it’s working out for hours to build muscles, meeting all kinds of people to develop relationships and gain in status, or simply working relentlessly in the pursuit of skills, knowledge and eventually get validated by the world, and so on.

Although the ways through which we’ve learned to give a meaning to our lives seem to be endless, the sad truth we’ve been missing about them for eons is that they’re erroneous right from the start, and that is why no matter what we seem to accomplish in our lives, it’s never “enough” and we’re forced to feel the emptiness of it all.

What do you have to do to feel confident?

Workout? Earn more money? Buy bigger houses and fancier cars? Chat with celebrities and eat at the best restaurants? What is it? You probably have an idea about it but again, I’m sorry but you’re heading in the wrong direction.

By the way… Have you been able to read this by sitting from a certain distance? Have you been able to notice the subtle patterns you wouldn’t be able to, if you were reading this with a mind full of opinions, noise — in the midst of it all?

— Personal conversations between you and me

Anyway, what’s the pattern in this case?

No matter what we’re after when it comes to our sense of confidence, it’s always dependent on external means.

The constant pursuit of worldly matters, and the unconscious association between confidence and having-to-do-something-to-get-it, which we’ve come to accept as real due to popular beliefs and stories, have been messing things up for us most of our lives, for most of the lives on Earth, in most of its history.

When do we turn our attention outward? When do we decide that the solution to our challenges must be outside, somewhere else or in something else?

Let me help you.

If you saw the person (or pet, or thing) you loved the most do something monstrously evil (purposefully exaggerated), what would your first reaction be — mentally, emotionally, and physically speaking?

1. Mentally, I’d think “this didn’t happen, she might have an explanation, maybe this did that or that did this. This can’t be so. Right?”

2. Emotionally, I’d feel pretty tense/resistant about what I’ve just seen. Something we all experience from time to time, usually a tightening in the abdomen.

3. Physically, I’d probably turn my head around (many times), acting like I’m looking for cues — or (hint!) maybe just revealing through my body language what I do when I’m in denial. (Bingo!)

And no, I’m not a magician.

Resistance is denial in its beginning. Denial is resistance matured. Basically, they’re one and the same thing. It’s just that resistance is more conscious while denial is more unconscious. When we resist intensely, it turns into denial.

Coming back to the questions, we look elsewhere when we deny. And we deny when we have resisted something, at some level of our being.

Now coming back again to the subject of confidence itself, we could say therefore that most of what we call confidence in today’s world is just based on assumptions. Because we’ve denied things and turned them unconscious — we’re looking for solutions in the world. Therefore, we attach ourselves to different things such as our status, the brands we wear, our income and so on, in order to root (create a place) for ourselves in the world.

For instance. We feel confident about being of a particular race, about being religious or spiritual, about how much money we earn, about how beautiful our romantic partners are, about what clothes we wear, what phones we buy, what cars we drive.

We feel confident about what kind of knowledge we have, how much validation our work or ‘expertise’ has gotten from the world, we feel confident about our opinions, about people talking about them, writing about them. We feel confident based on the numbers of likes and followers we have, about the countries we travel to, about the varieties of pictures we post, the brands we wear, and so on.

Keep this in mind. We derive a sense of confidence through identifications. The more we identify with things, the more ‘confident’ we feel regarding our place in this life. Obviously, the more stupid we become too… But that’s another story. Fun fact. Some people have found their place in life by identifying with a certain sports team — can you believe that? Wow!

— Personal conversations between you and me

We’ve got to such an extreme case of denial that we attach ourselves to anything in order to strengthen our sense of identity and therefore feel confident/certain about ourselves and our place in life.

To put it simply, we don’t know and because we don’t know we find comfort in assumptions. And these assumptions, although nice (I mean, who wouldn’t want to earn a lot of money or get the latest whatever-it-is?) are never enough. Each gain turns into weight. The more we add to our confidence ‘bag’, the more we have to protect it and the more we have to increase what’s in it.

If you get more money, you must save it, protect it from being stolen but also make more of it because you’ve built your sense of confidence around it. The same can be said about a favorite subject, love, same rules — possessiveness, over-doingness. What about a muscular body? The same. Skills? Knowledge? Again. The same.

Once we’ve derived confidence from an external source, our whole identity feeds on it — which means, if we lose it, it literally feels like death. Therefore, the race never ends. That’s what we’ve turned ourselves into after all — a rich, an expert, an author, a public speaker, an athlete, an entrepreneur, a spiritual teacher and so on. Therefore, we must keep up with it, it’s a survival matter. Our sense of self lives from it. Can you believe all this? Wow.

Is there more to it?

Could confidence just be this? On what is God’s confidence based (Yes, I seriously asked it)? On what is a cat’s confidence based when it just comes and sits close to you, or on you? On what is a dog’s confidence based when it is restless for its food? On what is a tree’s confidence based when it stands majestically, owning its place while offering shelter to those who need it? On what is a bird’s confidence based when it knocks at your window for something to eat or when it decorates your car with white splashes of acidic substances?

Because human beings have free will, they can alter their ‘settings’ and try different ways of doing things. But life itself, Nature and everything around us remain pure in their settings. They continue to express the natural laws of life because they remain loyal to their roles and source up to this very day.

In comparison to how human beings currently understand confidence, which is through the assumption that external means can ‘complete’ them — life expresses confidence through knowing. And as it has been very intelligently said — knowledge is indeed power. They’re one and the same thing. In fact, now that you’ve reached this point, here’s the final revelation:

Confidence, knowledge and power are all one and the same thing. They’re just different words emanating from the same essence of life’s fullness and satisfaction about this fullness.

When we know, we are confident. When we know, we are powerful. When we are confident, it is because we know. When we are powerful, it is because we know. Okay, I’ll stop with these games.

— Personal conversations between you and me

Now that we’ve come this far…

As I told you in the beginning, we’ve been going at this in the wrong direction and no amount of motivational videos, affirmations and books will solve this problem.

We can’t feel confident if our wellbeing depends in one way or another on external means. Doing so simply reinforces our denial. And denial is like squeezing a pipe so that the water stops coming out — at some point, you know it’s going to explode somewhere else.

Should people therefore stop everything because it’s pointless anyway? No, of course not. How could this world be so cool if we didn’t move ourselves? Progress, work, advancements, improvements — that’s the beauty of life — but, investing our sense of self in what we do is not. Let’s work, let’s have fun, let’s write, let’s get famous and invited everywhere — whatever, as long as it doesn’t become part of the ‘me’, of the “who the hell do you think I am!?” — it’s fine. This of course is easier said than done, but being aware of it starts the process.

No one said that growth was easy, but starting somewhere is always the first step to it. We should start asking ourselves what is it that we deny about ourselves and our lives. This journey might not be the smoothest nor the simplest, actually, it’s the hardest and it’s the reason of being here in the first place. But this is another story.

The point is, we could keep assuming stuff, chasing worthless things and keeping ourselves busy. We could escape the pain and the emptiness of such an existence through alcohol, drugs, sex, movies, video games, beliefs and whatever else society can sell us while secretly praying and begging for our death…

Or, we could make the decision to stop fooling around. We could finally feel tired of lying to ourselves. We could finally remove all the layers of falsity we’ve added to our sense of self so that what’s beneath it all comes out. And it could take years (it usually does), but because we’re so firm about it — we won’t accept anything less than the truth. And if we’re courageous enough, one day, like the tree, the cat or God Himself/Herself/Itself — we may finally stand tall, knowing with certitude who we are and where our place is in this infinitely vast life, without dependence on anything external to us, so that we too, become a shelter for those in need. But please, no white acidic splashes on cars…