What is Passion anyways?

What is your passion?

What are you most passionate about?

The thing I am absolutely most passionate about is my life.

AND YOURS.

This may be trigger warning to some and to others it may make you angry or upset. I still love you regardless of how you feel after you read this.

When I was younger, I didn't feel the way I do now about life in general. I remember conversations I had with my mother. She always told me "Go find something to do and stick with it, sitting in this room is not going to do anything but eat at you and keep you depressed" and if my mother was never right about anything. This time she was. I used to lay awake in bed and just contemplate about whether I wanted to be here or not. Whether I should be here or not? Can I just die because I have no actual purpose of being here? Why am I here? What do I do? Get me out of here? What started all of this? When I was just a little girl, my mom had married my sister's dad, He was abusive, degrading, and a rapist. At that time, My mom didn't know and she was going through her own mental health and I thought if I had mentioned it, He would kill them all just like he told me he would do. I would always blame myself. Maybe I wore my shirt to low, My pants to tight but I was 8 when it started and 13 when it ended. What kind of person looks at an 8 year old like that? He did. I wanted it to stop but I didn't want to hurt anyone else so I started hurting myself instead anyway I could. It ended 11/09/2010 because mom kicked us out (me, my sister, and her dad). I did mention she had her own mental health issues. We went and stayed at my grandmothers house who was very welcoming. My sister's dad got a little drunk that night and asked my grandmother if he could sleep with me and acted really weird about it. My grandmother immediately said no and called the cops. When the cops arrived they took him to jail and questioned him. My mother was called that night. She came to get us. Its so sad to say they pled it down to assault, not even sexual assault. He got away with it and now spends some time with my sister. I don't think she understands to the fullest because she didn't live it. I don't talk much about it to her ether because she likes to raise a fuss and I refuse to fight with her about it.

On 07/15/2012, I was admitted into a mental facility because I was becoming too much for my mother to handle. That was it. I was mentally insane as they call it. No, I was a damaged child that no one ever took the time to sit back, hug me or listen to me talk. That's what was wrong, I was mentally ill. I just didn't want to live but didn't have the will power or the strength to kill myself either. I was sedentary. Suck in this same stage of mind, destroying everyone I ever loved and spitting on their image every chance I got. My room looked like a hurricane came an knocked everything down. The tattoos on my skin at 12 years old burned as I took a razorblade and cut every inch around them. I wanted to change but didn't know how. On 04/22/2014, I tried my first hit of methamphetamines, Its just a party drug they say, There is nothing like getting so high out of your mind that you are up all night freaking out about every little noise and looking out the blinds all hours. That is not the way to live. Pointing guns at random object because they moved, or the voices of the shadow people, your face breaking out from literally picking your skin off and the bruises everywhere because you are so low on minerals and stuff your body needs, YOU ARE LITTERALLY KILLING YOURSELF, slowly. The sun scares you, Your neighbors scare you, Bugs scare you, Your body scares you and being 6 1/2 months pregnant but not knowing is the most scariest of them all. You all will wonder, How did she not know? When you are completely gone, you don't realize a lot of things. When you are reading this, I want you to know I am writing from the past and telling you how selfish, immature and careless person I USED to be. Yes, I said it. 6 1/2 months pregnant and using drugs and had not even the slightest hint. I remember sitting in my bathtub as blood was running down from my areas wondering, I must have hurt myself somehow and all along it was me loosing my child. At that particular moment, I didn't care what happened, Give me another hit I said to my abusive boyfriend at that time only to be 6 hours later, In shock from loosing too much blood and in pain. My boyfriend rushed me to the hospital and when I went back and got my diagnosis of a miscarriage. I looked at the doctor, laughed and said well that's probably for the better. No remorse for myself or another person's life. How freaking inhumane and careless can one person be? I was once her.

Like I mentioned before, I remember begging for my life to end, I remember everything about all of it. The rape, the sabotaging, the lies, I remember it all. If you can live through all the bull crap and still pull through, YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HERE. Its not a bad life after all, just a bad day, or year. I am very passionate about my life and everyone in it because when I wasn't, When I didn't give a crap? It was hell. I was hell. I was living in a literal hell. I am now a correctional officer helping to be a role model for people who have messed up in life, a motivational, Inspiration speaker for those who are in need of a friend, a poet and a recovery coach for fellow addicts, all the things that I never thought I would be or become. People look at me, listen to my story and there like "that wasn't you" but if you ask the people I hung around at that time and the family I deleted and misused they would tell you 100x over that they hope I never return to that person and I never will.

I love living, When do you ever hear someone say that. You don't. I think lives are unappreciated. All the violence in the world, racism but we should be hugging each other because our lives are not forever. We should cherish every moment of life as we have it. Make the best of it, Be YOU. The ones that didn't get a chance and couldn't pass through, I love you all and I wish I would have been there to maybe pull you out too. I'm sorry to all the family that have had a loss to suicide, or any deaths at all. I want you to know I am very passionate about our lives. You can do this. When you feel like you are spiraling, please remember. I love you even though you have no idea who I am. I love you until I am blue in the face.

Thank you for listening.