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What is Load Bearing?

And why does it have the ability to make or break us?

By Outrageous Optimism Published 2 years ago 9 min read
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What is Load Bearing?
Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

Load-bearing. I’ve seen this term come up time and again within different contexts. Some are simply about how to correctly assemble the structure of a building with strong foundations so that it can withstand enormous loads. Other articles, particularly about emotional load-bearing, talk of the disproportionate amounts of mental and emotional labour women in heterosexual couples have to bear when they find themselves running an entire household on their own, despite putting in the same amount of hours at work as their male counterpart.

The lesser-known form of load-bearing, which I am going to speak about now, is not gendered but a more universal experience. It is the idea that, like a structurally sound building, we all have a certain amount of load that we can bear, and we all have our limits. The things which bear a load on us look different to everyone, being dependent upon both our personalities and our individual needs. Some of these needs may seem small on their own. Such as having a comfortable or clean environment, having the time to shower your pets with love or to cook your own meals etc. Some of these needs might be significantly bigger. For example, the need to have someone to talk to, the right to a safe and stimulating work environment, being able to pay the bills and so on…

Most of the time, when we are missing one or two of these needs, we are able to keep calm and carry on, to weather the storm if you will. We might not even notice right away that we are being deprived. However, as the load piles up and we find ourselves putting up with more and more of our core needs not being fulfilled, life can begin to feel a little bleak. If we continue to not work to change the areas of our life that we are unsatisfied by, it can instigate all sorts of nasty emotions within us – even potentially leading to forms of anxiety or depression.

By Alexis Fauvet on Unsplash

One of the biggest and most recent examples I can point to when it comes to load-bearing, is that of when the Coronavirus Pandemic hit and most countries went into lockdown. A lot of us had quite busy lives beforehand, filled with an amalgamation of work, leisure and social experiences. When we were sent into lockdown, we were essentially banned from fulfilling quite a few of our core needs and as such, were unable to feel as if we were living a well-rounded life. Some of the loads a lot of us suddenly had to bear here were:

  1. Our work-life disappearing (a much-needed break for some) involved us disrupting our routines, being unable to experience new environments, socialise with colleagues and problem solve. We also might have felt as if we were losing our sense of progression and worrying that we would be unable to pay the bills from month to month.
  2. Our ability to socialise and meet new people – or hang out with old ones – was also put on hold. As a social species, even the most introverted of us need to see and talk to people every now and again. Over the course of the Coronavirus Pandemic, the buzz of social situations became a stark fear for some. We were stuck inside our own heads, apprehensive about talking to anybody, scared to pass on the virus to loved ones. In some cases, we were too worried to even go to hospital when becoming sick for fear of either catching the virus or overwhelming our doctors and nurses. There’s a reason isolation in prisons is seen as a harsh punishment, or a person purposely isolating another is thought of as abusive. When we don’t connect with the outside world every once in a while, our mental health can suffer.
  3. In certain countries, due to us all shutting up shop, there were problems with supplies reaching our shores. This led to a scarcity mindset and caused a lot of people to panic buy (remember the toilet paper memes of 2020?). When faced with an onslaught of consistently bad news already, headlines about a lack of supplies only worked to exacerbate the feeling that the world was falling apart, which added to a lost sense of safety, even within our own homes.
  4. To add to the above, a lot of people (particularly in big cities) lived in relatively small apartments with no gardens. This added another load to bear, the feeling of being trapped… That and garden envy! While that thought is a little funny to look back on, garden envy indirectly worked to highlight wealth inequality – another load to bear.

When we look at all of these potential loads piling up, it doesn’t seem too farfetched that the rate of mental health crises soared in many countries around the world.

The prevalence of anxiety in early 2020 and in the year prior to 2020 by OECD.

Another example, which doesn’t involve a worldwide pandemic, is the slow removal of the shared needs or values that made us enjoy being in a certain environment. This may occur at work or school, alternatively, it may occur at home. Imagine you are in a household made up of friends. You generally like living in a clean space, feeling comfortable and safe around the people you live with, eating your dinner at about 7pm, having interesting conversations, and singing in the shower.

On Tuesday one of your friends move out and a new roommate moves in. Immediately you have taken a slight knock to the feeling comfortable/safe need – but this is okay, you tell yourself, it’s just life and you’re sure you’ll get along with your new roommate fine.

This new roommate – Fred, we’ll call them – is a bit messy. They tend to leave their pots for quite a few days because they’re so busy. But that’s alright, they’re just settling in. Although, they do never seem to pitch in with the shared household chores… Either becoming grouchy when asked, or outright lying about cleaning that they’ve done. Soon the stress of having to request help instead of them taking their own initiative and the knowledge that you’ll most likely get a negative response anyway causes you to give up trying to ask them.

Right now, both loads of no longer feeling comfortable and not living in a clean environment are beginning to build up. You may also feel as if you are taking on an unfair portion of the mental load-bearing that we discussed in the first paragraph as you are having to micromanage the household in order to get anything done.

By Siavash Ghanbari on Unsplash

Because Fred is a very busy person, they let your household know that they need to be in the kitchen, cooking a meal every night at around 6:30pm. This is okay, you know that in life we sometimes have to make compromises. Although you can’t go in the kitchen with them, as it is relatively small, you can push your mealtime back – it’s no big deal. When they leave and you enter, the kitchen is a mess. To make matters worse, they’ve used your pans! You second guess saying anything about this because of the negative reactions you’ve had from them in the past that have made you feel unsafe in your space. You might not feel as if you have yet built the proper foundations with Fred to support or navigate the increasing load you are bearing.

You have a shower the next morning, and have a little sing along to some tunes, as you always have done. When you leave, Fred is standing in a room close by with an irritated look on their face. You smile and they turn away. Over the next few days, you hear snippets of complaints about yourself. You don’t know if this is a coincidence, but whenever you do sing in the shower, the water runs cold as if someone else is using another tap. If this action isn't a coincidence then you would be forgiven for wondering what else Fred might do should you annoy them more. You try and explain to your friends that Fred makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, but they can’t see it. You start to feel isolated in your worries and question if you’re being overdramatic.

At this point, all of your personal needs (living in a clean space, feeling comfortable and safe around the people you live with, eating your dinner at about 7pm, having interesting conversations, and singing in the shower) have slowly been eroded away. Although ‘Fred’ in this example is slightly passive-aggressive and the rest of the household could’ve been more supportive, you will probably have now found yourself in a position that – if things carried on in the same way – might make you feel more anxious or even depressed than you were previously. A situation like this would be detrimental to your mental health in ways that might be difficult for others to understand as they don’t have the same core needs as you do. You might not even recognise why you’re feeling so low yourself if you’re not especially good at knowing what your needs are (many people don’t).

By Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

When I first read about load-bearing, it changed my life. Now I find it coming up time and again, with me assessing most personal conundrums through that lens. The takeaway from this article would be to get to know yourself first and foremost. What brings you joy? What puts you on edge? What helps you connect with others? What makes you feel envious, angry, unsafe, and why?

When we begin to understand how we work and what our core needs are, we generally start to feel a lot more in control of our lives. We become able to create healthy boundaries for ourselves and step out of situations where we feel our boundaries are consistently being crossed. Having respect and care for ourselves also helps us relate to others, and to empathise with them when we or someone else has been transgressing their boundaries.

Life is full of compromise, and we mustn’t expect to be able to have things the way we want all the time. Although the nature of this world is give and take, you should never have to consistently feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and unheard. It is always your choice to make a compromise. If the load these compromises bring is too much to bear, it is important to respect yourself enough to know that you can walk away – even if that means mentally clocking out until you can physically get away. Do yourself a favour, lighten the load.

I hope you enjoyed reading this article as much as I enjoyed writing it! If you did, feel free to like and subscribe.

If you want to continue the conversation, you can find me over on @OptimismWrites

trauma
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About the Creator

Outrageous Optimism

Writing on a variety of subjects that are positive, progressive and pass the time.

We're here for a good time AND a long time!

Official Twitter: @OptimismWrites

Author Twitter: @gabriellebenna

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