Welcome to Lizzieland

Today I got a visit from my friend Lizzie.

I have no idea when exactly Lizzie came into my life. What I do know is that she has been a constant in my everyday rustics for quite some time. Lizzie is the kind of friend that is smart and obnoxious at the same time. For instance, I have a plan to go to the supermarket to buy bread, but something happens along the way that prevents me to go at the appointed time. Then lunchtime comes, I don’t have bread. Normally, I would not care, but my friend Lizzie sees that and there she goes. “I told you to get organized, didn’t I? How many times have we gone through this? And now there is no bread, so you can’t make the sandwich, and there is nothing else in the fridge andItoldyoubreadwasneededbutyoudidnotlistenandlookatyouknow….”

Lizzie keeps rambling about not having bread in the house, and a little panic begins to grow in my mind. The thoughts are beginning to sprint in my mind and quicken the pace. My brain won’t settle down. Lizzie has opened the dam and the words keep pouring nonstop like rapids on a river. I try to rail my thoughts in, but Lizzie keeps talking and getting more agitated as time passes. “No bread! No lunch! You see that?” And give thanks to God it was only bread, because with that memory of yours, you could have forgotten your wallet!” Lizzie keeps rambling about the lack of bread, and forgetting the wallet, and then forgetting brewing the coffee, which leads to more runaway thoughts. My heart is beating faster, and my chest hurts. For a moment, I can’t breathe, and I feel the first wave of cold sweat on my skin. The kitchen is getting smaller and it is harder to breathe. Lizzie cannot stop talking and I am not making any sense of it all.

“But it is only bread”

“Who are you? What did you say?”

“Nora, it is only bread.”

That thought, ‘But it is only bread”, breaks the group of runners with the shirt that says, “You are a failure” and the other group with the shirt that says, “Go nuts or bust!” Not that the race comes to a halt, but at least there is a moment of peace where I can see the kitchen counter and suddenly remember that earlier that week, I have bought soda crackers.

“But, but, but CRACKERS? Are you out of your mind? What kind of lunch is that?’, argues Lizzie from the corner of the kitchen. “The kind of lunch I am going to have before I head back to the office.” I put crackers on a plate with some cheese, turkey slices, an orange and some water from the refrigerator. I sit down with the food on the sofa “Let’s eat” … but in the end, I cannot eat like I would have liked to. To be honest, my stomach is in knots and I can barely swallow the food. Lizzie has done a number on my system and she knows it. For the rest of the afternoon, I am in a fight or flight mode, barely concentrating on the work I have to do. My mind keeps going back to the fact that there is no bread. Lizzie stays in a corner, in silence, waiting to stir the next tsunami of thoughts.

Welcome to my life. My name is Nora, caseworker by day and coffee lover forever. I love sunsets and oceans, music and baking. I have a black cat named Ebony that is the epitome of indifference. I share my space with my friend Lizzie, the anxiety I have to live with for the rest of my existence.