Victim of a Child Abuse

Child abuse have become like a common thing in our society, which is a crime in the eyes of the people. But unless he is with someone close to him. For him she or he is only the headlines of the newspaper.

Those who do not know me will not suspect what path lies behind me and how much effort it took me to get here. I have a beautiful family, socially relevant work, I am socially well connected and I have a positive outlook on life. In short, a lot to be thankful for. Yet I also carry that heavy, lonely past with me, which still influences my life every day.

I was a victim of abuse by a neighbor at a very young age. He was a family friend, someone of prestige in our village. The most complicated thing about my past is that there was no space to share what was going on. I've always felt this intuitively, but it really became clear when I couldn't help but ask questions. From that moment on, piece by piece, the shutters of the mystery I carried with me opened and I understood why I was so terribly confused. That whole setting, that beautiful family where everyone gathered, turned out to be unimaginably unsafe to grow up in.

There were signs. As a toddler I suffered from bladder infections, anemia and I cried a lot.

I totally collapsed. I had never dared to say his name out loud before. As a twelve-year-old I wrote in a diary: I will later become director of the Red Cross or a whore, or I will fight or I will end up on the street. A fierce image. It has protected me that I have always been able to learn well and that I could continue to function no matter what.

When I was seventeen, I suffered a brain injury from a bicycle accident and from that moment on I could no longer say that I was doing well. I was frightened, confused and fell down just like that. Epilepsy was thought, but it was dissociation. This 'falling away' actually only occurs in people who are severely traumatized. I had constant flashbacks and nightmares, and felt shivers running down my spine. I've even been admitted to an epileptic center, where I was in a group of people who had been abused. But still, I didn't get to my own experience.

"Could it be that…?"

When I first met my husband, there was something I recognized. I saw it in his eyes. He turned out to have had a terrible childhood. For that reason, nothing was too crazy for him, everything was allowed to be there. Sometimes difficult, but also the strength of our relationship.

The years flew by. I followed therapies, completed my studies and did work in which I championed the Rights of the Child. I was overjoyed with my first pregnancy. I was 27, but I immediately felt that I had to work very hard with myself. My sister-in-law recommended body work. I felt an extreme pain in my groin as the therapist placed her hand on my lower back. I cried like never before.

A few weeks later, now four months pregnant, we were having breakfast with my parents. Suddenly I had a flashback that I had had before, the neighbor friend was carrying me as a little girl in a way that was not okay. "Could it be that Uncle Toon wasn't kind to children?" I asked. My mother's eyes widened and shouted: 'Yes!'. My father said after it, "This happened to your mother too."

I totally collapsed. I had never dared to say his name out loud before. For the next two weeks, I had one flashback after another. But you know what it is, your memory is broken, so I also had to ask a lot of my parents. My mother's past made it difficult for my parents to talk about it, which gave me very complicated information. Then my mother would say, "Now I remember, one day I got a call from kindergarten that you arrived at school without your underwear."

Or my father: "You always ran to him yourself." That's so twisted about it: I was, of course, very special to him. It surfaced how damaged I was.

The low point was that I had contractions on New Year's Eve. The doctor came right away and gave me a sedative. “You have to calm down now or you will lose your child,” he said. He's not going to do this to me again, I thought. I resolved to deal with my past. It was very bad, but somehow, I was relieved: huh, now I can start living. I was sad, but on the other hand I felt powerful and also very connected to the little man in me.

I was the first to talk about it in my family.

Over the past twenty years I've had occasional therapy and a more complete picture of all those confusing memories has slowly emerged. I was the first in my family to talk about abuse. And that burden is enormous. I turned out to be one of the many this had happened to, but everyone kept quiet about it and hardly anyone offered support. “Are all stories getting legs now?” Uncles and aunts told me. And even: 'All children were raped in the past.' This gives such a cold, almost impossible to do.

It is so important to provide a safe place for damaged children. That they hear from someone that whatever you do or whatever you have to say, 'it may be there'. With the right support, a person has enormous resilience. I make it through my husband and some strong friendships. Because of the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) I constantly have things. A conversation like this brings me back to the great loneliness in me. But I resolved: today I can cry

It’s been 22 years since I’ve been safe and I’ve chosen to share my story with others. Anyone who survives these crimes should be so proud of themselves and appreciate their strength. Look at what we have gone through, is there really anything in life that could destroy who we are? They might try and they might leave their mark, but they cannot destroy what is created inside of us. You can thrive in your world and believe that there is happiness after abuse. I am living proof!!!

May all survivors find their courage to speak out about their pain and tell their story so others will learn. Find your happiness in life, it is there!!!!

There are many things that can cause child abuse. The reasons are often complex, and there’s no single or simple explanation.

Most parents want to love and care for their child in a safe home. Stress, tiredness or lack of parenting skills or family support make the pressures of caring for a child overwhelming, and can cause abuse.

Causes of child abuse can include:

• isolation and lack of support no family members, friends, partners or community support to help with the demands of parenting

• using language that shows they view the child as worthless or burdensome

• stress financial pressures, job worries, medical problems or caring for a family member with a disability

• unrealistic expectations a lack of understanding about a child’s developmental stages and behavior

• intellectual disability or mental illness parents may be unable to adequately care for their child

• lack of parenting skills parents may not know how to care for their child or may believe it is acceptable to use excessive physical force to discipline or punish a child

• drug, alcohol or gambling problems addiction or substance abuse may affect a parent’s ability to meet their child’s needs

• low self-confidence parents may doubt their ability to meet their child’s needs and find it hard asking for help

• past childhood experiences parents may have experienced abuse as a child in their own families, which could have caused them to develop an insecure attachment style

• mental health problems

How to get idea about the signs of child abuse.

Children who are abused don’t always realize they’re not to blame for the behaviors of their parents or other authority figures. They may attempt to hide some of the evidence of the abuse.

However, adults or other authority figures in the child’s life, such as a teacher, coach, or caregiver, can often spot telltale signs of possible abuse.

changes in behavior, including hostility, hyperactivity, anger, or aggression reluctance to leave activities, such as school, sports, or extracurricular activities attempts at running away or leaving the home changes in performance at school frequent absences from school withdrawal from friends, family, or usual activities self-harm or attempted suicide defiant behavior

Healing is possible when adults and authority figures find ways to help children, their parents, and anyone involved in child abuse.

While the treatment process isn’t always easy, it’s important that everyone involved find the help they need. This can stop the cycle of abuse. It can also help families learn to thrive by creating a safe, stable, and more nurturing relationship.