Unwell 1

January 27, 2023

I don’t think it’s healthy that, several times throughout the week as I’ve come back inside from being outside for any amount of time, I’m on the verge of screaming or tears.

I don’t think holding in my fears and pains to make other people comfortable is healthy (as my chest, back, shoulders, stomach and hips will attest to)

I don’t think it’s healthy to pretend that everything is fine while the world is burning around us.

I don’t think it’s healthy to ignore someone until they’re dead just because what they say makes you feel uncomfortable.

No, I don’t mean you asserting your bigotry or intolerance onto someone else and expecting them to be okay with it (like your colorism, racism, classism, elitism, antiblackness, queerphobia, fatphobia, ableism, misogynoir and/or casteism); I mean the truth of the matter.

What’s the truth as I see it?

I’m being terrorized by people in my immediate community (and larger than that) and I get the feeling they’re not going to stop until either they or I take my own life. They’re narcissistic, reactively abusive and weaponize plausible deniability, kindness and ignorance. They “don’t notice” how they make me uncomfortable so every day I’m weathered down a little more.

They're more than likely white supremacist types, so that is it's own cans of worms.

I remember seeing and hearing this black man with an afro get into an argument with 2 straight haired black women (I hate to explain the inclusion of it but, this detail is important because there was and still is a type of hair hierarchy within the African Diasporic community that is localized in specific communities across the world; I live in a community where texturism is rampant and I have what might be categorized as 4b/4c hair) ; he was screaming and one of them said something like “…and don’t think that that ‘acting crazy’ shit is gonna scare me!” and it all makes sense to me.

Since living here, I’ve felt the vibe of the place, the vibe directed towards me, and, if it's not overtly sexual, it’s almost always antagonistic.

Like grown women and girls who went through puberty early wanting to fight me (and each other) antagonistic. Like women in the supermarkets around my way staring and glaring at me antagonistic. Giving me the cold shoulder when I try to show compassion and kindness antagonistic. And for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was about me that made them be so passively angry with me. My looks? My height? My build? The fact that I was another black woman? The fact that I'm a USA Born Black Person; a "nigger" (train horns) (train horn) (train horn) (train horn) (train horn toot), as the caste system of the United States would insinuate? Not always is it a black girl or woman glaring at me with their animosity, but I see it in so many of their faces. As if I personally have been going around and behind their backs, talking shit about them while smiling in their faces. I wonder if it’s projection, because I can tell that they talk shit about me behind my back (in addition to talking shit about each other because #girlhate? Queen Bee syndrome?). Remember in school when a group of girls gathered as you passed by, looking up towards you, whispering and laughing, one of them maybe pointing at you? That, as an adult, in the real world, has happened to me plenty of times here (time passes between originally writing this and when I publish it and it happened this summer as well while I walking my dog and singing as a form of coping skill).

I think what cemented for me the vibe of this place is that it’s where that one famous black woman was born and where daytime shows that have profited off of people cussing and fighting one another out on stage is filmed. The people here live for anger and rage, seemingly, hoping to get famous (like how they record themselves jumping folks to post across social media); and it just seems like that’s all they know? All they want to aspire to? After school last summer, a group of Black Youth got into a fight and blocked traffic on the same street where there’s a Black Lives Matter mural. In front of the same restaurant where, years ago, a group of 3 Youth, killed an elderly man for spilling coffee on one of them. If I may go on, in the town over, a wealthy white woman was arrested and jailed for recording video of minors nude. Then a woman a couple of towns up from mine killed her children and then herself. Not to mention that either a father or a mother murdered their child and buried their body in a park not too far from where I rest my head. Too many things have, are and continue to happen around here but I’m fairly certain most people just think this place is boring and filled with snobby rich people. As if everyone in this state can only be a rich snob (so who works for the rich snobs and where do folks think they live?). There’s plenty of working class people of all races, ethnicities and identities; and it seems like many of them don’t like me or want me here.

There’s a botanical garden around my way, surrounded by well to do people in their well to do houses, that used to be a potter’s field. At that same park, I took my family’s dog for a walk and was followed by some old white man. How do I know he was following me? Because as soon I as started walking back to the parking lot, he turned around and started following in that same direction. I was faster than him and got back to my car first (not before I had to deal with a blue lives matter supporting [important later] white woman who tried to force a conversation on me with her daughter in tow) and watched him as he walked out of the woods and, if memory serves me correctly, got into his car and drove off. I have to deal with people telling me that this was a coincidence but the thing that stands out to me is the white woman with the blue lives matter decal on her car. I can say that I only started to notice cars with license plates that were white supremacist dogwhistles during the summer of 2020, but I’ve been noticed police and their “blue lives matter” sycophants following me since I got here in 2018.

I can recall driving around doing my food delivery job and feeling like I was being followed and watched while doing my orders ("This place feels like where Jordan Peele got the idea for 'Get Out' [train horn]" - Me, 2019). One of the occurrences that stood out to me was that, after I’ve done the shopping for the customer, I would go back to my car and either in front of, behind or on either the side of it, there was car with a thin blue line decal on it; but I ignored it. For several years, while I was doing my job and going about my life, making mistakes, losing friends and trying to navigate this developing world, I did my best to ignore how cars with these decals would “pop up” around me so frequently.

Then it started happening with the Marines; I remember one order I did, when I came back outside, there were 4 cars with “Semper Fi” decals on their cars that weren’t there when I first went into the store. It was always weird to me how I’d pull into a parking lot and, if not immediately over time, a car with one of those decals would come in after me, parking as close as possible to me, too. I think I started to feel unsafe around the winter of 2019 when I began to notice it happening more frequently, but the summer of 2020 is when I started to take it seriously. Both because of the Black Lives Matter protests that were happening and the discussion about police brutality. Even while my opinion on the police was in the gray (family of mine have been in the force), I could tell that these people with their thin blue line decals weren’t doing it (train horn and car honks) to keep me protected.

I began to feel that my safety was even more at risk and an event that had cemented it for me was stepping outside to go for a walk and seeing a Jeep with a blue lives matter flag immediately drive past me. I had been online, posting about Black Lives Matter and being who I am and I've seen online how easy it can be for people to find your location. I talked to my Mom about it and realized she would be no help; despite us having conversations about how groups like this have been, are and can be dangerous (think: KKK supporting the police [train horns tooting] and police being KKK members), her opinion on the Jeep driving past me was “Well, they can have their opinion, just as long as they don’t make it my problem”. But that’s just it: you may not have a problem with them, but if they have a problem with you, even if you “haven’t done anything”, they will do everything within their power in the Modern Era to force you to accept their beliefs. To force you to assimilate into the culture of this place or be crushed, if need be.

All I could think of is how many will say it’s a coincidence, but what a coincidence for, at the exact moment that I stepped outside for that car with that specific flag to drive past me.

Let’s talk about Ukraine, clear the air on some theories I have. I suppose these “Unwell” pieces are me noting, annotating and trying to, sort of, scientific method what I see before me and its effect on me. The War over there is atrocious and I hope the people there (including and especially those who are more melanated) are coping well enough. That, unless direct interference, seems like the only thing they can do. However, I’m aware of the Azov battalion that used white supremacist imagery in their logos. I’m also aware that members of these far-right groups seek Ukraine for training and practice to bring back stateside. When I first started seeing the Ukrainian trident, I didn’t think anything of it. But, just like the Marines and thin blue line decals, I started to notice that this symbol started popping up more and more (train horn) around me. I didn’t even know what it was in the beginning! I mistakenly thought it was something like a car logo or the Greek letter psi (Ψ) (train horn toots). But no, it was the Ukrainian trident, and once I figured that out, I began (honestly) to be a bit afraid and even more cautious. Cautious because I didn’t know what was going on or why this was happening. All I could think was that there’s a high chance that I’m being followed everywhere I go and the people doing it typically have symbols or decals on their cars that dogwhistle and allude to it. I’ve even seen people appropriate the Grateful Dead skull, much like the Punisher’s skull, to terrorize and intimidate people (and me).

All of this doesn’t even include the license plates. All of what I’ve talked about, the intimidation with decals on people’s cars that seemingly follow me everywhere I go as a way to terrorize, intimidate and crazymake me, has nothing on the license plates because the license plates are the biggest “coincidences” out there. In fact, over time, dogwhistling with decals has slowed down and dogwhistling (and terrorizing) with license plates has increased. I’ve done what I consider to be an attempt at research: these cars with these dogwhistle license plates aren’t new. People have been talking about seeing sequences like HH (Heil Hitler), 1488 (the 14 Words + 88, 88 which also means Heil Hitler) and BH (Blood and Honor) since 2010 and probably since before then. Did you know that research says that we don’t need words to be fully formed in a sentence to know what the sentence means (trust me, I'm going somewhere with this) (train horns)? Yu cld se a sntnce like ths and stil kno wht I’m wrtng. So, with license plates, if you saw one with a sequence that’s written as “MSTRPCE” your brain, like mine did, might translate it as “Masterpiece”. If you saw one written as “PMKNSPCELVR”, you’d probably think that vanity plate read as “Pumpkin Spice Lover”. If you even saw a plate with “LUV” in it, would you think it spelled out the colloquial form of “love” or Southwest Airlines Company Common Stock? I didn’t even know that last one until I looked up “luv” to confirm my hypothesis. If we considered what is happening around me as a science experiment (which I guess I’ve had to do to protect myself? Observe the situation from outside of myself and my perspective and [try to] use a scientist’s brain to piece incidences in the world around me? In order to hold myself together?) (train horn) and looked at the data, what inference could one have about license plates that are written with 88, HH, 1488 and BH (train horns tooting)? That it’s always and can only be a coincidence? Or that something nefarious could be happening under all of our noses? What was most egregious to me was seeing the license plates written with KYS, KMS, KUT, KLL, KEK, KRY and variations of KKX in them, because half of them are internet slang and the other ones (especially how often they would “pop up” around me) just seemed too close to saying something harmful for it to just be a coincidence. In case you didn’t know, KYS means Kill Your Self (don't listen to the recent Urban Dictionary entries, it originally meant what I wrote not "Keep Yourself Safe), KMS means Kill MySelf, KUT looks and sounds like CUT, KLL is one letter off from KILL (there’s also a new variation written as KYL), KEK means LOL, KRY could be like KUT and is supposed to mean CRY and KKX (and its many variations) is meant to be read as KKK.

I don’t know how I stumbled onto this theory of mine with the license plates. I’ll be honest, sometimes I read too much into stuff. Relationships, platonic and otherwise, have been hard to maintain because, try as I might, I can’t help but read into the little details of how we interact with each other. Could be the trauma, but, I’m pretty sure for most people that if their friend told them they were “Okay” in a way that they don’t normally say it, they’d wonder if something was bothering them (or maybe not since I’ve experienced, seen and heard of people who either don’t want to acknowledge the difference in cadence [whether it’s them not trying to play mind reader with their friend, being uncomfortable with talking about whatever the topic is or something else] or just don’t notice it). Family and friends have told me before that I “think too much” and something along the lines of me "being in my head too much to actually just have a conversation with people". I’ll admit it, yeah, I am fairly like that; partially it’s just who I am as a person and partially because I feel like that’s a main way of how I've learned to communicate. I know I shouldn’t try and play mind reader with people, but if we’re talking and you’re animated and I say something that makes you stop being so animated, what am I supposed to do? Just steamroll over whatever’s going on in your mind and keep talking about what I want to talk about? Is that not selfish? Is that not inconsiderate of your feelings? Would the person(s) not think less of me because of it? Not like it matters, because I stay in my head trying to be what other people want me to be and make bad impressions anyway.

The point is, a part of me feels like I’m pretty detail oriented and that’s what has me forming this conspiracy theory. Looking at it from afar, it all looks like coincidences, but if you look closer and see all the little details, like a puzzle, you start to notice patterns, how there’s interconnected intricacies and see the larger picture. Patterns that other people will call me “unwell” for noticing in the first place. Patterns that, I feel like, have been reinforced by me being a queer black woman in this country and the world at larger. Prior to 2020, I had never read bell hooks or Audre Lorde, and barely knew anything about them or their works. I’m still not 100% there with every single one of their works, but it gave me the knowledge to know that the way other people were perceiving me was, in fact, through a lens that often demeaned, overly sexualized or vilified me; and, while I felt vindicated, I discovered a newfound dread and anxiety. Did other people even realize that they have been seeing me and only saw me through rose colored glasses? Clearly not since at 2 of the stores by my way, where the men leer at me and the women give me the iciest of glares, there are 2 separate women employees who look at me and/or act like I’m going to do some sort of harm to them. I kid you not, today, I was standing behind the cashiers at the self checkout (reading one of the free propaganda newspapers they carry) (train horn) and she kept turning and looking towards me and moved from her register altogether. How do I know it was about me and not random? Because her relative at the store didn’t like me when I was originally working there and also continues to glare, stare and look down upon me whenever I came back into the store. They’re not white, by the way; I can’t pin down what their demographic is, but it’s not white, Black or Latine.

The people with these license plates follow me into these supermarkets where the employees (security and cart attendants, especially) also follow me around the store (literally happened the week I'm editing this). People in my immediate community, in my state and on this side of the United States seem fixated on keeping tabs on me, seemingly until I kill myself. I recognize these as microaggressions but it feels more macroaggressive since I don’t even feel safe gardening in my backyard or going to an indoor parking lot to express the emotions that I don’t feel I can in my home (i.e. crying). It’s black people doing it, too, as I’ve seen black people with the dogwhistles on their license plates and glare at me when I notice it; circle back in their cars, daring me to say something to their faces and being reactively abusive. Like a black woman with "88" in her plates that glared at me as I walked my dog or this group of black boys who tried to maneuver their car with "311" in their license plate (K being the 11th letter in the alphabet, it’s supposed to translate to 3 11’s = 3 K’s, as in KKK; get it?) away from me as I was walking around my current city. Alternatively, it could be the territorial nature of not wanting people “up in [one’s] business”, but when I think of just 2 scenarios of black people with these dogwhistle license plates, it seems almost personal. Like I did something to them or, worse, that they’re trying to force me to be okay with this. That it’s not an issue to have white supremacist dogwhistles in their license plates, I shouldn’t be offended by it and/or that it doesn’t mean what I think it means. Like how I pointed out a black woman having 1488 in her username to other black people online and had them basically gaslight me saying it didn’t mean anything. When I’ve brought this up to my Mom, one of the first things she said was that “they probably don’t know what it means” and I don’t know. I don’t know how much more grace I can give to people who have and continue to slap me in the face with my trust and compassion; I don’t know how much more often I can continue to be gullible and have wishful thinking for folks. I just don’t know; and who wants to have a conversation with someone in a supermarket parking lot about how their license plates (which they often can’t control) might have a white supremacist dogwhistle in it? What are they supposed to do? Am I gonna pay for them to replace their plates? I’ve thought about reporting it to the DMV, but if someone reported about this over a decade ago and other people have reported about it in recent years and, still, no parameters have been put into place to make sure this doesn’t happen, the DMV probably isn’t going to do anything about it now. In fact, having seen a rise in antisemitism and other bigotries (antiblackness, queerphobia, ableism, etc.) in the last decade or so (1/10 cities in CT...), I see it as like a purposeful neglect on the part of the DMV to not have some sort of checks and balances system for this.

But the ghost cars, though? People driving around with fake license plates? People driving in duplicate cars, following after me with fake license plates? I remember looking up one that had some variation of KYS or KMS written in it and it came up as invalid. A ghost car with white supremacist dogwhistles in their fake license plates. What can I (or the DMV) reasonably do about it when most people believe I’m out of my mind for noticing it in the first place? Even going so far as to accuse me of being bigoted for noticing in the first place?

Can you imagine driving or walking down a road and ¼, maybe 1/6, of the cars you see on the road have a white supremacist dogwhistle in them? And, seemingly, NOBODY else notices it? Sure, it could be ignorance of the dogwhistles, just a blind spot to stuff like this; with Covid having upended things the way it has, I can only imagine people’s focus is on getting through the day/week/month/year. But the Buffalo shooter had one of these dogwhistles on his weapon when he went into the Tops supermarket (NOT a bodega) and killed 10 black people. WE, those who look like me and live or have lived in communities like I have, should be aware of this. Is being blind to these dogwhistles and microaggressions while attacking and ostracizing our own really the best way to go? Y’all talk about how “abortion is killing the black community” then denigrate that same community for facing oppressions that make it harder to raise a child. Y’all talk about how queer people are destroying the black community while reinforcing sexism, colorism, texturism, misogyny, ableism and fatphobia (that you will then complain about experiencing without even knowing it). In that sense, perhaps I’m ambivalent towards my community; I love them but too many of Us don’t seem to love or want me around. I’m left dealing with antiblack people who are racialized in this world as black, just like me. People who hate themselves, see me in them and hate me because of it. I don’t feel like I’m projecting either; whether it was 2017 when I had a full head of my 4c hair, 2018 when I was bald or now in 2023, the people racialized as black here, whether they’re Haitian, Trini, Jamaican, Biracial or from somewhere directly off the continent of Africa, have never and do not seem to like me. They’ve seemingly joined forces with the dominant powers and influences in this place and whoever else is crazymaking and weathering me.

Something else that I’ve noticed with the phenomona of these license plates is the ones that I thought would offend another group but that even they seemed to have turned a blind eye to (or seemingly have a blind spot to). One of the combinations that I’ve seen written out on license plates is "KKE" and, to me, it seems one letter off from an antisemitic slur. But I’ve seen cars with these license plates with that specific sequence parked in predominantly Jewish neighborhoods in Brooklyn (New York) and no one seemed to bat an eye. In fact, driving through this area in my car, they seemed more silently, passively disturbed at me for being there than worrying about the antisemitic dogwhistle in the license plates. It’s odd, seeing signs and billboards condemning antisemitism and white supremacy while, on the streets, there’s hundreds if not thousands of cars with antisemitic and white supremacist license plates. Imagine driving through a community of Hasidic Jews and then seeing cars parked on the street with 88 or HH (both meaning Heil Hitler) in them? It’s a strange dichotomy, to say the least. Perhaps ignorantly on my part, I’ve asked Jewish people online if they’ve seen these license plates or what they would think of this happening and have gotten no response. I didn’t want to be a pest and ask over and over again so I could get an answer, but even their silence says something to me that makes me wonder if it really is just me. If I was anyone else saying the exact same things, would people be more inclined to believe me or would they still assume that I’ve simply lost my mind and am “seeing racism everywhere”?

Why did I write this? Well, at the start of this piece, I said that I don’t think it’s healthy to constantly be on the verge of tears when I come home from being outside, and that’s why I’m writing this essay (or whatever this written piece could be called). I don’t feel safe going outside and feel myself becoming more and more agoraphobic (here's hoping I find/make a good enough paying WFH job soon!) My therapist (and several books on overwhelming emotions/healing from trauma) recommends breathing and counting and distracting my mind as coping skills but my body is slowly (rapidly) eroding before my very eyes (they reccommend more than just that but my ongoing point still stands) (train horn toots). The crazymaking of whoever is terrorizing me is weathering my body down, worsening my mental health and further disabling me. I don’t think it’s right or fair that there’s a high chance that this is really happening around and to me (and possibly thousands of other people) and have no one even hear me out. It’s that one Audre Lorde quote, Zora Neale Hurston’s words and this spoken word piece. It baffles me how people will believe the most outrageous antisemitic, queerphobic, misogynistic, fatphobic, anti indigenous and anti black conspiracy theories and have such warped paradigms of the world yet can’t seem to find the ability to entertain the thought that I could be right about this when there are and have been literal out, loud and proud Neo-Nazis demonstrating in our community spaces for decades. The same people who believe in aliens, the government controlling the weather and Jewish people controlling the world (car alarm started going off) will balk and laugh if I suggest that supporters of the police, Marines and other groups have banded together with internet sleuths to stalk and terrorize people who they consider an issue. This has happened in this country before. Have we all forgotten that members of the KKK were in positions of authority and respect in their own communities in our country in basically every state at some point in time? Take off the KKK hoods and there’s the mayor, the chief of police, several veterans and firefighters from our local community.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just because it’s me. People have always forced me to deal with more than what I felt like I could bear, and I’ve been too much of a people pleaser to stand up for myself. I can’t ignore this. It’s killing me from the inside out and I can feel my body breaking down from the chronic stress. Yes, someone needs to put the parameters in place at the DMV with whoever manufactures these license plates to make sure it doesn’t happen, but people’s hearts and minds need to change and that’s the hardest part.

I even find myself hypothesizing the reasons people are doing this to me and it seems to be for a multitude of reasons. They think I’m a witch, for some reason; is it me not going to church, burning incenses outside or me doing yoga on my back porch? I mean, I was once walking and singing "We Don’t Talk About Bruno" on a cloudy day and after the "no clouds aloud in the sky" part (which I did do the hand gesture to), the clouds cleared up and there were people around but that feels like a stretch? I get the feeling they think I’m a lesbian because I’ve rejected the advances of the men around here, I was bald at one point and am uncomfortable with how the men here try to flirt with me (e.g. driving slowly and staring at you as you’re outside walking, maybe catcalling you from their cars; doubling back in their cars so they can leer at you and try to talk you up; stand or sit around and stare at you until you interact with them and assume that you’re “playing hard to get” if you don’t react; circling around in stores hoping to bump into you like our lives are a romcom, etc.). They think I’m transgender because, like the small town, nosey and closeminded people they are, they’re my pharmacist, gossiping behind my back about my prescriptions or the store employees who “just happen to notice” that I never buy period products (or, due to their internet sleuthing and/or because I forgot to check the features that said I don’t want my social media account recommended to my contacts, they’ve seen my social media accounts where I’ve been more open about who I am). Me actually being intersex and being born without the “equipment” to have a menses in the first place doesn’t make it any better or clear things up. They might think I’m a Satanist but that might just be because they read me as queer and queerness and being demonic just go hand in hand with them; also them reading my kindness towards their children (i.e. treating them like autonomous humans/future adults and not just as nuisances) (train horns tooting) as me being a pedophile because of them seeing me as queer checks out. I think they want to crush me because they might see me as a threat and feel they must repeat the legacy of their ancestors. I think they’re trying to get me to yell at them, have a public meltdown or just get really angry and loud with someone. I partially think it’s a kink (one that I do not and did not consent to [which has been reinforced by me seeing license plates with KNK, like KiNK, and CNC, Consensual Non Consent, in them) because I’m a black woman and they get off being yelled at by an ABW (Angry Black Woman) whether because they like being devious and triggering us or they just like being demeaned by an ABW. Perhaps they just like arguing and want to trigger a black woman because of the ABW stereotype or, more maliciously, want a reason to cause me harm. They can’t just go on and lynch me like they would have a hundred or so years ago. Not to say that people would be chanting my name like Lauren Smithfields, Ahmaud Arbery or Sandra Bland, but, if they did just do away with me, people might notice and someone might stir something up because of it.

I said this earlier and I’ll say it again: I feel like they want to fight me. Not just the black girls or women here, but grown ass men who just seem to want to cause me harm. I feel like the thinking is that if they wanted to cause me harm “they would’ve done something by now” but I think they’re having too much fun seeing me stress, squirm, scream and cry my way through the days/weeks/months/years. Still, the feeling of people wanting to fight me (for seemingly no reason, too; like, what am I doing to trigger y’all? Existing? My existence triggers y’all?) remains in the air. I saw someone online say sometimes we’re here to make other people uncomfortable so that way the world can be changed for the better, but how many transformative people have lived, been hated or reviled and then died only to have people adore them post mortem?

If they think I’m transgender, I can imagine that there are men who wish to do me harm for that alone (do I really need to quote a statistic showing how black trans women have some of the highest rates of death by homicide in proportion to their population size on this continent?). But, if they even know that I’m intersex, they may still wish to do me harm because I’ve still "embarrassed" them by way of them being attracted to me. They've probably talked to their boys about how they would go at me if they had the chance and felt deftly embarrassed when they found out that I have the same chromosomes as them. I can imagine that’s how it went for that intersex waitress who was assaulted for hours in Cameroon, but that's just speculation.

I don’t know what a solution to this seemingly gangstalking, crazymaking, weathering situation is. All I know is that if I don’t write it down and my body does further deteriorate, there will be nothing I can do and nobody will ever know. I could develop cancer and die off and everyone’s eyes would be fixated yet so averted from my deteriorated form. I think the hardest parts about putting this out there is trying to be concise yet specific and dealing with the responses from talking about this. I know that most people will, more than likely, not see this and the ones that do won’t believe me. They probably have a car that has one of those dogwhistle license plates and feel offended that I’m insinuating that they, personally, are terrorizing people with it. If you have those license plates or know someone with those license plates, and you’re mad at ME for pointing it out, please go complain to the DMV. Just because YOU aren’t terrorizing someone with these license plates doesn’t mean no one is.

I want to imagine it’s not a majority of people doing it either, but I’m a small enough fish in this pond and a convenient target. Why wouldn’t people fuck with me a little? Who’s really going to care or believe me? Doesn’t every place "need" a “Town Crazy Person”? I can imagine people being offended that I’m insinuating Blue Lives Matter or Marines supporters would be involved with white supremacy, which is ironic because it doesn't take that many searches to find out that white supremacy is steeped within these groups; not every single person in these groups, but, historically, it's been more than just a few. It’s not easy for me to say this about those (and several other groups) since I’ve had family in their ranks, but this is the truth as I see it. Y’know how our brain connects dots sometimes? Is it just confirmation bias? Cognitive bias? Have y’all heard about the black gay college professor, Don Belton, that was murdered by a white former marine? Or Jordan Neely, another black man murdered by a former marine? How am I supposed to ignore this, deny these facts, with what’s also going on around me? Every day? Day in and day out? If people around here are bitterly, silently angry at me because I don’t vibe with them (because they didn't vibe with me), I don’t know what to say. Truthfully, I feel like y’all just want me for sex, maybe whore me out and then kill me to hide the evidence that you had sex with somebody like me.

[00]

What’s to be done here?

The bigots are everywhere

Seeking to end us

[00]

Time wasted shading

Do y’all even really care?

We’ve learned nothing, huh?

[00]

88, HH

BH, 1488

KYS, BK