Unpopular opinion: Family is not always everything
And this is coming from a Latina
Loyalty is the cultural basis that many people of color pride themselves on when it comes to family. In fact, it’s pervasive in many Latino, Hispanic, Italian, Black, Middle Eastern, and Asian cultures.
However, it wasn’t until I went to graduate school to study mental health that I realized that my family’s idea of “loyalty” was actually that of unhealthy enmeshment, co-dependencey, and stemmed from unhealed abandonment trauma. But this isn’t as isolated incident. Many other people of color are unaware that generational trauma is a very real thing that we experience yet is deemed as a socially acceptable cultural norm.
Now I know this isn’t a funny topic, and it sounds complicated, especially if you don’t know what any of this means or you aren’t an “expert” on mental health, but my unpopular opinion stems from the fact that I needed to go to therapy in order to heal from complex PTSD - A diagnosis that ultimately developed as a result of the popular notion that family is indeed everything.
In my Puerto culture that meant sacrificing my own mental health in order to maintain the “well-being”of my family even when those dynamics were harmful, and I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I’ve talked to many friends who have shared similar sentiments, and it made me realize that this idea is actually a prevalent pattern.
Among these cultures in general, mental health is already a taboo subject, so me talking about my own so publicly and going as far as letting my unpopular opinion be known goes against everything I’ve ever been taught as a Latina. However, the reason I feel so strongly about sharing my opinion on this topic is because I think awareness is the very thing that’s needed to break these unhealthy generational patterns, and it’s what will allow people like me to become autonomous, individuated, healthy people.
It’s said that “the first step is admitting that you have a problem,” and I am not afraid to admit that what has been passed off as culture is actually a pervasive issue that keeps people of color small and in survival mode. Awareness that my culture’s idea of loyalty is actually a maladaptive belief is what taught me the importance of setting healthy boundaries, which my family doesn’t understand.
So, I want my unpopular opinion to become a popular one among people of color so that way we, too, can thrive despite the cultural expectations that have been set upon us generation after generation. But this isn’t going to be an easy feat by any means, and if you agree with my opinion, expect resistance and pushback as you challenge what’s always been considered “normal” within your family system.
Personally, when it came to how others have reacted to my stance, my family in particular reacted very negatively to this idea that family is not always everything. By putting my mental health first, they deemed me selfish, disrespectful, and untimately disloyal, which I’ve written about in length before. They have gone as far as taking this necessity as a sign of betrayal, and although I understand that my opinion cannot be accepted when they don’t even believe in the mental health field to begin with, this is the reason why I believe spreading awareness of this issue is so important.
As Laurel Thatcher Ulrich put it, “well-behaved women seldom make history,” and I’m okay with having an unpopular opinion regarding dysfunctional family and/or culture that others may disagree with. My goal here is to continue helping to shift our cultural conciousness around the opinion that family is everything if that means having to betray yourself.
About the Creator
Desirée Gonzalez
26-year-old New Yorker living in California, just trying to navigate this road trip we call life & using radical honesty along the way to heal from the inside out. Sharing my truth in hopes of it inspiring and/or helping you too!
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By angelababy2 days ago in Psyche
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