Unhappiness or Depression?

Is it crazy to think that I would never be happy ? Or even have that insane rush of happiness a lot of people get .

To me it seems as if I would never get to experience that . Would I be crazy if I said I never felt not even a slight bit of happiness ?

To me happiness is all over the place. As I sit here thinking about my future goals,plans,work,money,family. I can’t seem to shake of this sad feeling in me. A sad feeling that turns any positive thought into a negitive one. To think when I was a child I never would have thought my life would be like this at this exact moment .

Why is it that I don’t see my life getting better ? Why do I have these negitive thoughts ? Why cant I be normal ? Why why why ? Is all I could think about .

How can I change ? How can I improve my mental thoughts ? How can I change and replace negitive with positive ? How how how ?

As I sit here writing this I’m wishing I had someone who understood me . Is it unhappiness or is it depression ? Can I say it’s a bit of both ?

Half of my brain wants to live this wonderful life where I won’t have to cry and lounge around with a long face but yet my other side picture all the different ways of how much better it would be if I wasn’t here anymore . How much better it would be without the stress of worrying , stress of thinking so negivtive , stress of how people see me . Is it unhappiness making me feel this way or the crazy depression that hits upon me on random hours of the day ?

Would I ever get over these thoughts ? If so when ? How ? Now ? Tomorrow ? Next week ? How can I pull myself together in time ? So many questions , and some how those question appear more & more . Ughhhh help

It does get frustrating when you want to change and move on but it always easier said then done .

Why is it that we try to search for happiness by trying to find love? How can we find love when We don’t even love myself ? Is it because we crave Comfort? Or is it that we wish to have someone understand our crazy minds ?

I can’t help but to think maybe because I didn’t have someone to comfort me as a child I am this way .Growing up being bullied must of Elementary school takes a toll on a person , it can either make you or brake you . For me it made me confident , looking back at everything and reliving what was done to me or even said made me the person I am today . Not saying I’m where I want to be in life but more like I know what I want & how to do it but I just can’t seem to get this negitive thought out of my head .

It’s hard to explain to someone what I’m going through. Growing up my family would say I’m bipolar due to the fact that I didn’t really be around them because I was always in a “ grouchy mood” as they would say it , but I was never in a “grouchy mood” , I was in a mood but not that one . It was hard to explain why I wanted to be in my room alone and never wanted to be around family & friends . I’m the type of person who gives out this weird energy when I’m in my moods , whether it was happiness ,sadness, joy, anger . Yea I’ll have you feeling that same emotion I am in. Weird but true .

So why is it that my emotions are so powerful ? Am I really that unhappy or depressed that I make people have pity for me ?

Ever wonder what’s on the other side of the rainbow ? Well me too . But in my case I wonder what’s on the other side of my unhappiness or depression . What awaits for me ? Am I going to have everything I ever wanted ?