Understanding The Addict

The scars in life make us who we are; beautiful and strong. Everyday is a new day to learn and love no matter the situation

***my personal experience helping and counseling addicts and parents of addicts**

You have to have a strong love in your heart and soul when trying to help an addict. There is a fear they won’t listen or go back to their old ways. Regardless of your personal fear, they need your help and support. As a parent you sometimes feel like no love is there to give or receive. While that is a valid feeling; you cannot give up on your child.

Parents will reminisce on how they raised their child. Wondering how or why their child chose drugs or have a mental illness. Often times, an addict has an undiagnosed mental illness. Mental illness may come with voices in your head. To deal with the voices, drugs seem to be the answer. Nobody chooses addiction or mental illness; this is very important to realize. Parents tend to blame themselves whenever their child makes a bad choice or when they are diagnosed with a mental illness.

Parents will say things like, “Why would they do that? I taught them better”. As a parent, you can’t play the blame game. You must realize that as all of us become adults, we develop our own ways of thinking and decision making. Parents can only lay the foundation.

You may wonder exactly what a foundation is. It is whatever you choose to make it. You may choose to raise them to just focus on making good grades. Others may decide to teach grades along with integrity. All of these are good things to know, yes, but ultimately it is up to the parent. A person may also choose to have the foundation of leading by example.

Children start to mimic what adults do very early in life. That being said, if they see you smoking a cigarette, they will want to as well. The point of leading by example is not to be perfect, but to try and make good decisions. Someone is always watching you.

One thing we must do as parents when building the foundation is teach. Teaching and leading by example go hand in hand. As our child grows into a teen, responsibility has to be introduced or reintroduced. Webster’s Dictionary defines responsibility as the quality or state of being responsible. Being responsible can mean many different things, such as being reliable. It is up to you as a parent to teach. Will they listen? Probably not like you would hope for, but they are teens. Teens remember so much about growing up, and they will remember you having this conversation. Just like they will remember you NOT having it.

Just like they remember you having a drink everyday after work. Just like they remember that male or female coming over after dark. Again, leading by example can be for the good, but can also create memories you don’t want your child to have. No family is perfect, but they can set good examples.

One of the first things I ask addicts is to tell me about their family life. This usually opens up the gate to what they saw or did as a child. Most addicts are trying to cover up some type of pain. None of us like physical or mental pain. An addict goes for their drug of choice during painful times because it soothes them. As a non-addict, the choice will be different.

As parents and friends of an addict, we must pay attention. When you notice a change in their demeanor, talk to them. Most people have a talent, it may be hidden, but it’s there. They may need you to help reveal it. I always encouraged my groups to write or draw after group discussions. This is when they saw they were good at other things. I can recall two guys that even surprised themselves. One guy wrote poetry and the other could draw like a tattoo artist. I was so proud of them and told them. They told me that no one had ever told them they were good at anything. This was hurtful to hear, but at least now they knew they had talent.

After each group, after their discovery, they wanted to share with the class. Sharing poetry and art was really good because they all felt apart. We even discovered some didn’t know how to read or write. That was sad, but all of us helped to teach them. Once everyone connected, we were like family.

Actual family members noticed these positive changes. When they asked me I said, “For once they feel smart and accepted. And most of all loved”. They would look at me like I was crazy. Some even said, “Well we love him and he knows it “. That statement alone told me more than they realized.

It told me that they felt they had already given love and it didn’t work. Obviously, they were not showing unconditional love and judging the person, or in some cases their child. I also knew this from one on one sessions. The guys looked and acted happy because someone applauded their work. Someone listened to them and made them feel apart. It’s the small, simple things that touch someone.

All of my groups/clients knew I cared for them. Yes I was a hard ass, but they knew I was going to push them and help them succeed. Something that never happened during the foundation period of their life.

I wish I could say they are all still clean, but I can’t. When they were released, some were court ordered, they didn’t change the people they were with. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. Their families didn’t push them and show them they could in fact succeed. Addiction is an ongoing battle. In order to fight, you need a team. They didn’t have that team. A team would have made them feel loved and important. They are not failures. They are fighters. You may know a fighter or a fighting parent. Don’t ignore addiction, help fight it.