Uncensored Truth in a World of Fiction

Yesterday I finally finished writing my book.

The word count stood at over 180,000 and made it clear to me that I had in actually fact written two books.

Some of it was easy to write, for I was just lifting words from my journal written in 2020. But there were gaps. At the time was so much that I left out intentionally. So much that I was scared to write down incase it was read by others. And those gaps took an immeasurable amount of courage and strength to fill in. Going back to that time was a monumental effort, emotionally speaking. Which is why it’s taken the best part of 2 years to complete.

I had found myself at the start of the COVID lockdown in Germany, staying with near strangers and the onset of severe and distressing PTSD symptoms beginning to kick in.

The year had already began for me on a rather hopeless and lost note but the added pressure of being homeless and living with people I didn’t trust pushed my sanity to its limits. So many times I felt that my mind would snap with the pressure it felt. This is not necessarily a statement of reflection on them. It is clear to me now that I was very likely to have been incapable of trusting anyone. My heart and body had been shattered one too many times and I had become like a kind of wounded cat in a cage. Unable to heal myself, terrified to leave or to let anyone close enough to me to help.

That summer when the whole world shut down became the best and worst time of my life (to that point). It both saved and destroyed me. I was completely off the rails in regards to drug use and self abandonment. I lacked any kind of self worth and my sense of hope was at an all time low.

In the years that have followed I have rebuilt my entire life from the foundations upward. As I read over these stories from my past it feels like reading about an old friend, a kind of distant memory. I recall the relationship between us being toxic but my heart has so much compassion for her and how much suffering she went through, that it is impossible to blame her. All because she had no understanding of how to end her suffering, or how she was creating it for herself.

Although this is a hard, raw and difficult read at times it is actually a story about light and hope. I not only survived and managed to retain my sanity through my worst times, but I have since thrived.

Without hitting these breaking points, I wouldn’t have been able to course correct. Without the lockdown I would have continued running from bad situation to bad situation. Never able to pause long enough to understand all that I now do. Without all of these extremes I wouldn’t have been able to become the person I am now.

I have never felt more free than I do right now. Years of sobriety, pure and plant based nutrition, avoiding toxic substance and people and thousands of hours of meditation have all contributed to this inner peace that I consistently feel.

I believe that many people will benefit from me sharing my story. Families of those suffering from addiction, complex trauma recovery, paranoia, suicidal ideation and other mental and emotional health disorders can gain powerful insights into how it feels to be inside of this kind of mental prison.

Anyone who is suffering and finds themselves inside of a dark tunnel right now will hopefully feel connected to me through my writing. This may help to alleviate feelings of despair and loneliness. It is also my hope that they do not follow the path that I did. I believe that by sharing my mistakes so honestly, it is easier for others to learn from them.

I have been reading about self publishing and it seems that Amazon provides a great platform comparatively. However, the books must be formatted correctly and the cover must be designed professionally. I don’t have the money to do this (yet).

Which is why I’m here!

A spark of creative genius hit me as I was falling to sleep last night and I wondered if I could publish my book one journal entry at a time on here. Perhaps my vocal family will really connect with it and begin to share my story. Perhaps I can generate an income to publish the book?

I read through Vocal’s community guidelines and I’m not 100% sure whether some of my content will be allowed. Some of it is on the line. There is strong language, suicidal ideation, reference to sex, violence and sexual assault, drug abuse and smoking throughout.

If anything has to be censored, hopefully that will only encourage subscribers to buy the book once I can publish it.