TWO GOALS ONLY

TRIGGER WARNING: This article delves into topics of grief, depression and suicidal ideation. Please be kind to yourself and steer clear if reading this right now will injure you. Have resources ready and available should you find yourself in a bad place mentally. I've also included a small list of some for you at the bottom of this post.

These are my real experiences and talking about mental illness struggles helps me to release the stigma I personally hold over myself. I wrote this piece in the name of self-love, growth and accountability.

Sincerely,

Hanna

As a general rule of thumb, I try not to set my New Year’s resolutions on NYE. Too much energy, too much drinking, I can’t see straight. Now that I’m here, it’s the 4th of January and we’ve all settled down with some electrolytes, I’m ready to set forth my plans.

For me, 2019 was my 2020. In May, I was bought out of apartment and informed I had 40 days to find a new place to live. This was right after I had invested in personal business coaching. A week before Thanksgiving 2019, my grandmother died. Traveling cross-country for the funeral, while I was grateful to be able to pay my respects, was another unexpected expense. As of October 2020, I have moved a total of 7 times. Some of those times, I was living in a hotel via Hotwire.com and a shit ton of faith. The combination resulted in my finances whittling down to pretty much nothing.

All of my possessions, sentimental or otherwise, were surrendered. Hopping from sublet to sublet will do that to you. I traded my hair, weaves and crochet installs for a buzzcut and pair of Wahl clippers because it was cheaper and easier to maintain. In June, mid-Covid, I returned to my home state of origin for more work opportunities and some semblance of stability. While I had previously applied for unemployment benefits, a majority of them I didn’t receive until 3-4 months later, and immediately went to funding housing, food and therapy.

I’ve been broke, frightened, hungry and feared for my safety. I've also felt like a complete failure.

There wasn’t a single month of 2020 when I didn’t contemplate suicide. In the summer, I went into crisis a total of three times and met with the crisis workers each time. They drove to my place and we both sat in masks, talking it through.

Bless them, they are true angels.

I have to admit that when lockdown first came, I was relieved. I could take a break from selling my soul, time and body to useless retail jobs and focus on what I actually wanted to do with my life. At the top of 2020, I recognized that my dream to write, produce and direct my movie wasn’t going to happen unless I actually did the legwork.

So, everyday on the bus rides to work pre-lockdown, I wrote a page a day of my script, fingers tapping onto the cracked screen of my outdated Google Pixel. While I did take a break from April until October, I finished it a few days before Halloween.

Currently, it's in the editing stage, but the sucker is DONE.

I wish I could say that I was all better, that I am now fully mentally healed and all the little parts of myself have reunited with one another. When I look in the mirror, I still feel like a stranger. I’m different. I no longer buy things for pleasure. I hustle to make money and I don’t like to plan big visions anymore. I actually believe that planning huge visions puts too much pressure on my body and brain at this point.

Unfortunately, my most recent episode was a few days before Christmas. After quitting a stressful job, I took two days of the holiday to rest, and on December 26th, I decided that I wanted to live and get well enough for two reasons:

The act of writing is such an underrated paradise unto itself. It’s democratic and affordable. I can always borrow a pen. Hell, I’ve even written novellas on recycled brown paper bags before. With illustrations. With my words I can create new worlds, new universes. Worlds where everything goes right. I can write the lovers I want, the cars, clothes, music and moods.

And cats. Lots of cats.

You know what? That is really enough for me. I don’t necessarily want to draw up plans to attain more material excess. Those who have experienced repeated loss will know exactly what I mean. You just learn to trust minimalism.

Been wearing the same jeggings since October, so fuck fashion.

I honestly feel like my two goals are reasonable and achievable. They do require some effort on my part, and within that effort are some action steps that I take one day at a time.

Daily Meditation - I’ve been doing this for a week now. *deep breath* Folks, don’t believe the stereotype that meditation is some kind of disciplinarian, unfun spiritual homework. It’s a vacation! It’s a rave. It’s a fancy all expenses paid suite at a hotel where all you have to do is sit there. Try it. Believe me. Why would I lie?

Nutrition- Prior to the new year, I was eating a diet of meat and junk. Now I'm introducing chard, nuts, spinach, I even subbed out my coffee for refreshing peppermint tea. I currently drink enough water to make my frequent bathroom trips a healthy indicator of progress. Plus, you can’t break the indomitable logic that a healthy mind starts with a healthy body.

Exercise- Speaking of the body, I get up super early every other morning to take a walk around the neighborhood. I don’t have sneakers yet, so for right now I wear my dingy $12 Keds knockoffs from Target. Walking, much like writing, and much like meditation, is a beautiful escape. On those mornings, I feel the freedom in surging forward without a destination. Bonus? The extra physical activity burns off any dietary relapses from the week. Who can resist those $1 Grandma’s Sandwich Creme cookies? You know which ones I’m talking about, they come in the blue bag.

Therapy- I probably should have put this at number one, but I’m giving it to you now. It’s a shame that quality therapy isn’t made more universally available. I don’t know where I’d be without access to a professional who can help me sort out my brain. Aside from drowning in a sea of self-help books, I’d be in a dark place for sure. I talk to my therapist once a week and credit my ongoing recovery with her care. (see Resources below for a list of ways to find a professional who can accomodate your budget.)

Play- This is the hardest one for me. I was raised in a household where everything had to be earned. It was expected that you work yourself to death, stay in bad situations to remain “professional” and endure, endure, endure. Even as I’m writing this now, I don’t have any ideas on how to fully immerse myself in relaxation. Admittedly, a lot of my downtime is spent worrying about marketing, figuring out how to promote, and getting more things done. I don’t know how to relax, I don’t know how to play, but I’m willing to work at it...as ironic as that sounds.

Maybe there’s no right or wrong way to play, maybe that’s the whole point. I don’t know. I do know that now my wellness depends on it.

I can no longer afford to worry, stress or burn myself out. My movie needs me to be here so I can make it, and my characters depend on me for new adventures and love.

So no, I don’t care about getting a new car, losing weight, finding a dream career or landing my soul mate.

I just want to be a healthy writing Hanna and that’s good enough for me.

Happy New Year, 2021.

P.s. My phone is still cracked.

Resources

Suicide Prevention Hotline

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

1-800-273-8255

SAMHSA’s Disaster Distress Helpline

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/disaster-distress-helpline

1-800-985-5990

211.org

Resources for housing, rental assistance, mental health, food, etc.

https://www.211.org/