Trying to find myself is like trying to find Waldo, but harder

Nothing makes those "tell me about yourself" sessions at a new workplace more awkward than an identity crisis.

Also, the "About me" sections on webpages and social media profiles are so difficult. Can we please go back to just putting music on our profiles and avoiding those sections?

My life has always been wrapped around worrying about other people and constantly being stuck in survival mode. As a survivor of textbook child abuse via alcoholic parents, it's always been hard to know who I am. I've never been able to focus on who I am or what I want. It has always been one long string of crazy events running my life. The development of chronic mental health issues is no surprise. Depression and anxiety are as familiar and comfortable to me as a pair of socks straight out of the laundry basket. Though perhaps it is more accurate to compare them to scarves that sometimes wring around my neck.

Usually when I am requested to tell people about myself, I highlight some of the more socially acceptable topics. For instance, I tell them about my previous or current job, or I tell them about my love for my spoiled little dog. I may also choose to tell them about what little accomplishments I do have, though I make them seem a lot more interesting.

I never opt to tell them about the other 80% of my thoughts and feelings. I never tell them about my anxiety over things I can't control, or my feeling like I have a void in my chest that I can't fill with food, or games, or pictures of dogs (I've tried).

How could I tell anyone about the disgust I have with myself when I purposefully avoid things that stress me out, only to stress about them because I didn't do said things? What kind of an introductory statement would that be?

I also never tell them about my love for dark humor, because I would likely make a joke that they wouldn't appreciate. Naturally.

In reality, I know the basic things about myself. What I really mean to touch upon is what I like to do, or who I want to be. My thoughts on those are as unclear to me as when I was a young child. I always feel like I am stuck pretending to know what I am doing. There is still an entire world out there that I have yet to see, but I won't let myself see it. I am too afraid.

Afraid of what?

Afraid that I will find out that I don't like who I am. I keep myself stuck in this cold box of self-doubt, unable to let myself think outside my usual thoughts. I've never been afraid of being different. I embrace being different. I am just terrified of disliking myself as much as I believe others dislike me.

I've been going to therapy for few weeks now, and I think it's shed some light on how I should view myself. Rather than looking at myself in the eyes of someone who looks down on me, I should look at myself through the eyes of someone who might look up to me. I haven't done many astounding things in my life, but I need to keep different perspectives in mind.

I could look at myself in the eyes of a child who saw me run their dog in for an emergency when I worked in the veterinary field, or perhaps the viewpoint of the employee under my care asking me a silly question knowing they can lean on me for a patient and thorough response. Maybe I should imagine looking at myself through the eyes of a young girl who feels like she is never to escape that household she is locked in, who then looks up and sees that I was able to do it.

Maybe she will take up writing to try to find herself, too.