Today I Cried in the Shower

Take a deep breath so you don’t lose control, I coached myself as I finished the last of, enough dishes for a dinner party of eight or more. My hands were trembling, which in return made it difficult to hold the soap filled plates while scrubbing away food grease. My husband quickly paced from the living room, down the hall and back, out through the sunroom then repeat.

“What are we going to do if we can’t upgrade the internet? We won’t have the ability to work or have any source or income!” Drew ran his fingers through his thick brown hair which laid neatly back into place after he removed his hand. You could always take one look at him and know when he was about to explode from anxiety and worry, his shoulders sulk forward so it looks like he became shorter over the course of a few days, his eyes widen with despair, and of course the pacing wouldn’t stop.

“Just take a breath, we will call them back tomorrow and see who else we can talk to that can offer alternative solutions,” I assured him as I stared out the kitchen window. What other solutions were there to offer at this point? I sighed heavily while turning the facet off and placing the last dish on the drying rack. As I pulled the towel off my shoulder to dry my hands, I slowly walked towards Drew and wrapped my arms around his slim waist. His face filled with uncertainty as he avoided my eyes, my touch was soothing him a small amount but not enough for him to step away from the ledge of falling down a very deep hole. The internet problem was just the icing on the cake for our family at this point, Drew’s insurance was also threatening to drop him if the payment wasn’t received soon for his past two months premium, which he absolutely needed for all his daily medications linking to his Cystic Fibrosis and COPD condition. There was one particular movement he made when I knew he was stressed to the max, this is when I couldn’t do or say anything to bring him back into reality and I was watching him do it at this very moment. This hardworking, hopeful, kind-hearted man standing in front of me was on the verge of just giving up while he twisted his hair into knots and pulling it out, all while leaving one arm slithered around my shoulders. My words of attempted encouragement bounced right off him, not making a dent through his shield of worry and anxiety, which only made me feel even more defeated.

Who was I to this man if I couldn’t even bring him back down out of the clouds and away from this poisonous storm he was diving head first into? Who was I to my three year old daughter who played in the other room, completely clueless to the oblivion brewing under the same roof? Who was I to myself, if I was doing all that I could to make sure my family was provided for and taken care of, but it still wasn’t enough? We had both worked so hard in life and felt we took all the right paths along the way, but who were we really at this point?

“I’m going to shower and get this dirty dishwater stence off my arms, dinner is in the oven and the laundry is all finished for the night, need anything else before I do?” I asked him unsure if I should even leave him alone at this point so he didn’t spiral with guilt like I was, he was close to that point already.

“No you go ahead babe, I know you’ve had a long day just the same as me, I can get the kid fed and put to bed so you can relax for a minute,” He wrestled with a small smile then released his hold from my shoulders and gently scooted me towards the bathroom. Did I deserve this beautiful human being and his constant forgiving soul? I paused in the doorway of the bathroom and gazed down the hallway as Drew tenderly picked up our daughter and engulfed her small body with his affectionate touch. She rested her head on his sulked shoulder and smiled down the hall at me, I blew her a kiss then enclosed myself in the bathroom and locking the door.

How did so much change from the beginning of our day to this moment? How did we get out of bed this morning filled with so much hope and potential, just to have it ripped dramatically away by a cyber message and an unproductive phone call with our local internet company? These questions forced my mind to wonder about other families that had similar issues, how were they paying bills, how were they putting food on the table, how did they go day to day with such an uncertain future lingering only a few feet away?

As I piled my clothes into the freshly empty laundry basket I found myself asking several different questions but one in particular kept circling back around, could I be doing more? I stepped into the shower, brought the water to life and allowed the coldness to shock my core as my head filled with more and more complex thoughts.

I have watched the world for the past couple of months through social media, news articles, pictures being shared across countries, and listening to experiences from people I've spoke with on the phone. Predictions of what was occurring around the globe right now, were made but only a select few took the precautions that were needed. A pandemic began six months ago, slowly spreading at first while everyone but doctors, politicians, and scientists didn't give it a second thought, because it was a country away or across the globe. Within a few more weeks time, it was here in the United States, it was plucking people left and right, landing them in the hospital and even claiming some of their lives. Drew was grouped into the percentage of people that shouldn't risk any kind of exposure due to his terminal lung conditions, which only made the infectious virus even more feared. One breath, one cough, one sneeze, one foot in length too short, one person, is all it would take for him to be forever taken away from my daughter and I. The fear had already found a comfortable spot to manifest itself, but as the world entered a global shutdown, it was beginning to completely overtake my body, mind, and now my soul. But at this point the fear was now accompanied by uncertainty and constant waves of anxiety and they were all attacking my family with their full force, what could be done? The question presented itself once again, is there more I could be doing to ease some of the aftermath fear and it's partners were leaving behind? Is there a way to keep my family safe while also making money and keeping our risk of exposure to a minimum or none at all?

I turned the water dial for a warmer acquaintance and watched as my hair cling to the soaked skin that didn't even feel like it belonged to me. Defeat was such a strong word but I have never truly felt the feeling of a word, until this moment in my life. Who should I turn to for some advice or who has experienced a situation even remotely close to ours at this point, so that I could reassure my family that it was going to be okay? My eyes decided to take a break from the constant light burdening them, coaxing my legs to do the same. For the first time in my existence, I allowed my legs to buckle into the shower floor, let my eyes rest without disturbance, and leaned my head against the only warmth present in the room, defeated. For a few decimals of borrowed time, I allowed myself to take in defeat, feeling it trying to root itself and take over my entire being.

Today I cried in the shower, as a wife, mother, and an individual, allowing defeat to creep in and try to make my body it's home with his partners in crime, fear and anxiety. Today I felt fear fill my veins, expand through my blood vessels and surround the arteries pumping my heart, but just as defeat was about to plunge directly into those arteries and the major organ they work for, I felt a touch. A touch so heavy and blinding, there was no denying it was accompanying myself and the deadly forces trying to suck my soul down into the drain.

This touch jarred something from deep within the current body that was curled in a ball under the falling waters of the enclosed tile. It felt like gravity itself but from the opposite direction, pulling every piece of me upward forcing my legs to unwind and push the top half of my body towards the source of warmth. My eyes also seemed to find a new energy and opened with a burning desire, my water filled hair lost some weight and felt lighter on my back as it straightened one vertebrae at a time. A new force surged through my veins, pushing the fear out and taking back control over every aspect of myself, I felt suddenly powerful and wanted to look fear in the eyes without hesitation.

I proceeded to look down and study every inch of my body, it was not toned and it certainly didn’t seem strong enough to take on the dark forces trying to push their way into my family’s home with fear leading the way. I felt the touch re-adjust my eyes to get a better sight and it was as though I had never really studied myself before. With this new perspective I took another glance, this time I saw a body that had marks from growing a creation for nine months, I saw ink lines that had been shaped to animals meant to represent my fighting spirit and Native American heritage, I saw scars from playing children with a variety of ages, shapes, sizes, and colors, but most of all I saw the body of a woman who tried. I try to make sure my marriage stays at a fifty to fifty ratio, I try to surround my child with love everyday, I try to approach every person with respect, and the biggest try that I work at day in-day out is constantly working on my self improvement. My body was suddenly speaking back to me, filling the air, water, and my spirit with a newfound fierceness that demanded I won’t fall into the hands of defeat and his nemesis. She removed the crushing weight of anxiety from my shoulders, chased fear entirely out of my body, removed all sense of panic away from my skin and embraced my soul. The warmth spread like wildfire on an open plain, it heated the water to a whole new level as it rained onto my back, my nostrils flared with empowerment and my spirit glowed within the shower walls while bouncing off my body.

Who am I as a person? This is a question that presents itself daily, but who actually gets to decide that answer, your spouse, your parents, your employer, your friends? You come in contact with billions of people in your lifetime, some only for a short transaction while others may be a long term friendship, but no matter how long the interaction is that one person is a factor in who you are. Every conversation, every kind gesture, every smile, every laugh, every message sent, every small signal adds to the ingredients for shaping the definition of you. My toes began to playfully amuse the water pooled next to the drain as asked myself once again, who am I and how am I going to handle this situation my family has been put in?

Today I cried in the shower, for myself, for my family, for my soul, and for the person I thought I was. The water had turned from scolding to cool, which indicated it was time to return to the person I know I am and leave the woman filled with fear, anxiety, and defeat, to dissolve in the pipes below. I switched the facet off and jerked the shower curtain back, revealing a room filled full of wavering steam and humidity. With a deep breath, I pulled my hair to one side, ringing out the remaining water and grabbed my towel, feeling rejuvenated and alive. It was on this day I forgot who I was, I let defeat snake his way into my home and get a strong grasp. It was this on day I allowed anxiety and fear to wrap Drew and myself completely up with no extra room to breathe and suffocate us with their dark thoughts. But with one touch I was brought back, one touch and all the worry, anxiety, despair, and fear were replaced with self-worthiness, determination, empowerment, and a new direction of upward. I wiped the steam away from the mirror and stared at the reflection, it wasn’t until then I was ready to answer the puzzling question, who am I? I am a supportive wife, loving mother, hardworking employee, compassionate individual, caring friend and neighbor, and a person who lost sight of what’s important.

Today I cried in the shower but tomorrow I will be better for myself, my family, and for each person that I play a part in shaping who they are. As the mirror peered back at me, the doorknob shook with my creation on the other side waiting not so patiently to check on me, it wasn't until that moment when the reflection smiled and with the same touch I felt in the shower, ushered me towards the door.