'Tis the Season for Wonder - With Just A Hint of Sadness

It's been hard for me to get into the holiday spirit this year. 2021 has been a tough year of dealing with grief, recovering from injuries, and battling depression on top of the general business of just being a self-employed farm wife and homeschooling a special needs teenager.

I finally bit the bullet just the other day and went Christmas shopping. Usually, by now most of the shopping is done and there is a mountain of wrapped gifts under the tree. I'm one of those people that excitedly buys and tucks things away throughout the year or makes beautiful, heartfelt, handcrafted gifts.

As I wandered through Walmart yesterday, I was nearly in tears. I strolled first through the make-up and skincare section. She's 13. She's been talking about how she really hopes that Santa will put some facial masks in her stocking this year. She struggles with acne breakouts, and yes, she still believes in Santa.

I peruse through all the different make-up. I haven't worn any in years. I've come to accept that I don't need to cover up my so-called flaws, nor put crap on my skin to enhance my beauty. It shines through all on its own, but she hasn't learned that lesson yet.

I've started letting her wear make-up whenever she wants this year, as long as she doesn't get too outlandish. She's done really well and she really enjoys getting all dolled up, even if it's just to go to the dump or the grocery store. So, for Christmas, I'll finally give her a nice make-up bag, some decent brushes, and a little bit of new make-up. Part of me is sad because this means she's growing up.

The next destination is what really chokes me up. I wander over to the toy section, wondering how many other 13-year-old girls still want dolls and accessories for Christmas. I remember getting rid of mine by the time I was 9.

This is where my feelings really become mixed. Her child-like attributes are really something to behold. I kind of wish we could all hold on to a little bit of that innocence, imagination, and excitement. So, I'll try to let her keep that alive as long as I possibly can. I keep telling her that it's important to always be true and authentic, so it's important that I accept and nurture every piece of her authenticity, even when it makes me a little sad.

I know that I'll have to defend this particular choice of gifts to my husband. He's never taken the time to understand FASD and I don't think he ever will. He keeps telling me that it's time for her to grow up already. That's heartbreaking too. I gently try to remind him that her diagnostic team told us it would be like this, that there's a good chance that she will never mature beyond 10. She's always going to need someone to look after her. He just doesn't get it.

Then it's off to electronics. That's the big one for all the kids every year, isn't it? This would have been the year she'd get her own cell phone. For all the time that she spends on the phone chatting up her friends it certainly would have made a huge splash and saved our long-distance bill on the landline. I don't think it will ever be safe for her to have one though.

We're already a part of an online child pornography investigation and one is more than enough, at least for me it is. It hasn't phased her at all. She can't grasp that it was even wrong. At least she understands that she can't have access to the internet because it was illegal. I stroll past all of the tablets and phones and wonder how I will keep her safe once she's old enough to just get her own. Thankfully it hasn't been a battle, I guess the RCMP must have made it clear to her that, even though it wasn't her fault that she had been targetted what happened could have had very dangerous consequences.

She's asked Santa for a camera this year. I'm looking at all of the possibilities. This is one of those gifts that'll keep hitting me in the pocketbook year-round. She's definitely going to want to be able to print her pictures and she'll need photo albums to put them in. It would be so much easier if I could just trust her with technology and get her a phone or let her have her laptop back. Instead, she'll need a photo printer since my office one doesn't print quality photos and would only disappoint her with the quality. At least it might get her to get off the couch and look at something other than the tv once in a while. Who knows, maybe there's a talented photographer hiding behind those innocent eyes.

Really, I'm just hoping that I can nail it. That this Christmas holds all the magic it's supposed to for her. I'm praying we don't have any disappointment that leads to massive meltdowns. I just want to see that thrill and excitement and pure joy written all over her face.

My fingers are crossed that there will be some magic in the holiday for all of us, especially for her.