This Won't Go Over Well

If you've made it this after the Title and Subtitle told you this was going to be bad, you're either the a self absorbed asshole with a dark sense of humor that likes to laugh at their own demise, or some self loathing piece of shit that is looking to be triggered so you have some inspiration to write about how "mental health isn't a joke" or something like that.

So if you're STILL here, buckle the fuck up.

Everyone and their mother has experienced some sort of mental health problem in the last year. Surprise surprise! Locking people up for weeks on end will do that to you. Boo hoo, what are you doing about it? Some people took this time to in quarantine to develop new skills like cooking or learning an instrument. If you're a piece of shit like me though, you just drank the entire time. Maybe you enjoy your one meal a day to be a bowl of Cheerios and 4 Coors Lights, followed by more Coors Lights.

In fact, I am currently eating cheerios and drinking a Coors. It's called self care, look it up. I know what you're thinking, "who is this asshole?"

It's me, Coleman. In case you were wondering, yes I do in fact deal with real mental health problems. Ask my Shrink. No seriously someone please ask her. I guess she got diagnosed with Hepatitis See-Ya-Later, and just dipped. And that was in May. So I've been ripping beers in my apartment ever since. You probably think this is a destructive habit, and you're absolutely right. Drinking every day is definitely not the therapy I needed, but it's the therapy I deserve, and at least I'm doing something to care for myself.

Alright, super hot fucking take here. If you're dealing with mental health issues and not doing anything about it, you're a bigger piece of shit than I am. That's right, the King of all Shitheads just called you out.

Let's start with a few simple things you can do to begin your journey to being mental healthy again.

First things first, take advantage of your local university. Universities offer a lot of helpful resources to help with mental health. My personal favorite is Tinder, and swiping right on girls that have "Psych Major" in their bios. Take advantage of free therapy. Don't date a psych major, though. They end up diving too deep into your mind, get freaked out and cheat on you. Keep it casual with your Shrink in training.

The next thing you can do is start listening to sad boy music, like screamo. Listening to screamo is a good way to realize that no matter how bad things get, at least you aren't recording yourself sounding like cat getting crushed by the garage door and labeling it as music.

Another great idea is unironically wearing Hawaiian shirts. We're approaching the dull grey cold months, and I can smell the seasonal depression already. By unironically wearing a Hawaiian shirt you can actually trick your brain into thinking you're at the beach. The brain is a crazy thing.

To all you psych majors reading this and analyzing my every word, writing up a long list of problems I have in dealing with my mental health, I want you to know two things:

1. The list is so long, it won't even fit on a CVS receipt.

2. I'm a fucking comedic writer.

So now that some of you are pissed off at what I've written, some of you are writing your thesis on the mental well being of a 20 something degenerate, and the rest of you are actually enjoying my writing, let's get one thing straight. Mental health is an extremely important topic that needs to be discussed. You need to discuss it. I need to discuss it. B-List celebrities like the Biebs need to discuss it. Everyone needs to discuss it. And before my Beliebers get pissed that I called him B-List, I literally googled B-List celebrities and he was number 3. Deal with it. And deal with your mental health. Quit fucking around and burying yourself in self guilt and sadness.

Just go talk about what you're struggling with. Just go fucking talk about it. I said it once, and I'll say it a million more times. If you aren't doing anything about your mental health, fuck you. It doesn't matter if you're venting to your latest Hinge date, or rambling on to the homeless guy that lives at the bus stop down the road. Just go get that shit off your chest.

Just do it. Nike. What's up.

Coleman, out.

Now enjoy these memes I found on the internet.