THIS is for Me, Not You

I've tried to avoid doing this so many times. I try to stay busy doing something, Anything to not let my thoughts drift to you. Really I can't believe I’m writing this. I thought I was over it, over you. I have so many other things going on in my life that I push this issue on the back burner, but not anymore. I've never hurt like this before and can't ignore it anymore. I still love and miss you, the person that hurt me more than I've ever been hurt..Ever. I can't make sense of it..sounds absurd. I know I can't go back, but I also can't move completely forward..but maybe these suppressed feelings are keeping me from doing just that. You can't help who you love. People ask me all the time..Really..him? Yea..him..because once upon a time you were my best friend, my everything. I quickly found out you had a very evil side. I've been. through, seen, and heard things that will haunt my memories forever. I honestly Never knew that kind of evil existed. But for some reason..i would force myself to remember the good, because as Crazy as it sounds...how do I even put this..it was the best and worst relationship I've ever been in. I remember we were inseparable..the whole relationship..in the beginning because we couldnt get enough of each other, and than it was because of your possessive ways. I felt so loved at first and feelings id never had before. I opened up to you about traumatic experiences from my past and you told me horrible stories of your childhood that made me angry at a person that's no longer living..i never even knew. I just don't understand..you went from brushing my hair and painting my nails and pampering me to hurting me..in every way. I lost so much of myself making sure you were satisfied to just being physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. The first time you ever hit me was Valentines day..our first one together..what a nice way to remember. Afterwards you cried. Here I am with the beginnings of a black eye but I'm consoling you because..its not your fault..thats all you knew growing up. And..that became the pattern. You'd even give me pointers on how to cover my many many black eyes and told me once.." my mom could cover hers where you couldnt tell at all" How sad I thought, how that was just a normal thing for you..and there again..i told myself.."Ill fix him and show him how to love. I tried so hard and at times I felt you did too, but unfortunately there was no uprooting that seed you had planted at an early age. And of course it just got worse. I gave up once. You were hitting me in the temple repeatedly and as I was going in and out of consciousness i just accepted my fate, but you always seemed to know just how far to take it and stop right before there was no turning back. I remember that day I just laid there and wanted you to succeed. I wanted my life to end. I mean what was my purpose..i lost everything..my family, my boys, myself because I always chose you. In some sick way i felt like I needed you, but after all that was the plan huh..isolate me from everyone and everything so id always need you and never leave. I'm ashamed of myself..how could I be so blind and naive? I used to get compliments from everyone on my spark and personality and how I could make anyone laugh and than just like that diminished to a shell of myself. Well, I'm slowly getting that girl back..but it's a process. People that knew me before sometimes ask.."why are you so quiet?..or loosen up..im trying and Will overcome this. I still have to remind myself..its ok to relax..hes not here analyzing your every move anymore. The real kicker here is we both had an abusive childhood. Your the way you are, because you watched your father and I'm how I am, because I also watched my (step)father. All about perspective. There comes a point in life where we can’t blame our past and misfortunes on our present. Its Always been about You, but not this time! I’m forgiving you, but it’s for me..not you! I finally realized if I keep letting this define me, that your still controlling me and it’s time I heal and embrace life again. Why should I keep punishing myself? Even after all the hell you've put me through..i will still always love you, but Finally realized I love myself more.