This I Believe

I believe that you can be both happy and sad at the same time. I believe that you are capable of experiencing two emotions at once, even if they are polar opposites. I believe that you can experience two emotions while only recognizing one. Happiness and sadness do not necessarily coincide with each other. They can both live but never meet. On the flip side, happiness and sadness constantly walk hand in hand. They can reside beside each other in the same room. There are some nights you feel alone and all the sadness and remorse in your life fills you up. It expands into every crevice, every nook, and cranny, every inch of your body. Something happens though, maybe little, maybe big. It shines a patch of light and for while you still see the sadness, but you experience the happiness and soak up every last drop. And in that moment, it’s the best you ever felt. You feel like you are in two places at once. You feel like you are at opposite ends of the solar system. You feel stretched beyond capacity, beyond your breaking point. It builds up this high and you cannot get enough. When there is hardly any happiness left it clashes against the sadness and creates this sonic boom and a wall of insanity runs through your body and it's over. You lie on your bed numb and basically emotionless and you can’t get a clear thought through your mind. The music that once played ever so softly pounds in your ear and your blood pulses through your body at the same beat. During this time, you couldn’t be bothered. You just sit in peace before the sadness comes back and it all repeats again.

A person can feel completely happy. Everything in the world is going your way. Every word you say is perfect, every step you take is just right. Soon, some little light switch flicks on and an avalanche slowly comes to be. Those once perfect words become soft and stuttered. The right steps begin to feel wrong and out of place. At some point, bad memories seep in and suffocate your mind. You have to leave whatever you are doing, make up some lousy excuse because you cannot seem to put words together correctly anymore. If it started to rain on your way home, the world would know how you feel. The rain would be cold, sharp, and fast. By the time you reach your room your feet are dragging, your eyes barely open, and your legs can not hold out for much longer. Suddenly that bed seems like such a great place to sleep and never wake up again. But somewhere in the deepest, tiniest part of your mind is that one thing that will never go away, no matter what will make you feel warm inside. It jumps, waves, even shouts, does anything to get your attention. It does little flips in your stomach and sprints in your lungs. Although it’s never enough to completely heal you. You still feel hollow, empty, but at least you are warm and there is something that keeps you awake.

This is what it is like to live with depression. Things just plummeted from good to bad. It’s not just some teenager thing. No, it's a human thing. Some days are going to be hell and others are going to feel like the best day of your life. On those hellish days just remember that eventually, everything has to come to end and stabilize. Things will get better. Even if they seem like they won’t. I believe they will, no, I know they will.