Therapy

Blood, promises, pain, and tears. It was my first date. The boy and I had been talking for a while, and he finally asked me out. I had no intentions of doing anything other than movie and dinner. He had no intentions of letting me not do it. The movie was his choice, some type of horror. Never really been into those type of movies. I saw Final Destination 3 or 4, the roller coaster one, 3 times and never liked it any of those times.

He played a song, that I can't even say anymore. It was a sweet song that was ruined with his bad intentions. The only thing that has kept me alive and sane, the fact that others have had it worse. So, I try to keep my pain inside, hidden deep under my worse birthday ever. I've never cried, never spoke of it. If I did, it would open the door, and the pain would spill out. Then we'd both have to clean up a mess.

"Why now?"

I looked up from my brain teaser I'd been playing with. I'd solved it five times, now I've been building with the pieces of wood. "He's in jail."

We went to a local diner, did the normal small talk. Then the movie rental place. He made jokes there about what he wanted to do. My head said say something now, but my mouth never did. I was afraid. Shy. At his place he put the movie in and we cuddled. Then it started.

I don't remember much after that. I remember saying no sex. Nothing below the belt. Him promising, then pain. My soul had just left my body and I haven't seen it since that night. I sprayed perfume on before I went home, yes I still lived with my mother, so she wouldn't smell me. Maybe the smell would make it not true?

We started dating after that. I don't know why. Maybe i thought that he was the only one that would love me. Or that I would end up alone if I didn't stay with him. I wanted kids someday, so I didn't say anything. I kept saying I'd not do anything else he asked me to. Yet, I kept on lying to myself. I'd say no, he'd talk me into saying yet to shut him up. I felt so disgusting, but I had convinced myself that I cared for him. That he loved me. I bought him food and helped him. I cared for him. I thought.

After a month I suppose I got boring to him. He broke up with me. My world had shattered. My fear had come true, I was alone now. Even worse, he had taken the thing I thought was important in a relationship. My virginity. I begged him to stay. I was broken. Nothing mattered but getting him back. I kept trying to win him back by talking to him and reasoning with him, then yelling at him saying he was harsh to me. Using me for money since he was on probation for unspeakable things. That was a red flag there. I was stupid. Young. I thought I learned from my cousins, but I made the same mistakes, just in a different way. One day a fact hit me in the face. I was raped.

I looked it up, read all sorts of articles. My circumstance was in the grayest area of my life. The yes means yes campaign had barely begun to circulate. I decided to only tell a few people. They told him and now I was the asshole. I felt betrayed all over again.

"Well, that will be a great stopping point right now."