The Void

I never know when it is going to hit. Sometimes it starts as a perfect day. Then the next day hits me like a ton of bricks and, I am curled up on my bed crying for hours. Then sometimes, it strikes me all on the same day. I will be happy in the morning, but by the time night rolls around, I am crying in the bathroom or on my bed after everyone thinks I am asleep.

There are not any specific thoughts. Nothing that cracks it wide open, and there is the issue. It just happens. *snap* Like that. All in a matter of minutes. I can pretty well tell how bad it is by how quickly it plummets into a darkening stage. To me, it is The Void. The Void is some darkened place in my mind where things make me sad, scared, unwanted, unloved, angry, and pretty well all of the other feelings that come with being depressed. Someone once told me that having depression is different for everyone. That, dealing with it is different for everyone.

I have tried a lot of ways to cope with it. One is doing the things I love to do. Gardening, drawing, painting, and writing are a few. Aromatherapy helps a bit, especially when I remember what I have learned about each of the oils. My religion helps too. Lighting a candle and talking to my gods, and trying to figure out why I have this challenge are some of my biggest questions to them. And there usually send me gifts to help me cope a bit better each time I commune with them.

When each of these things does not help is when it is too bad. And when it is that bad is when I become irritable, agitated, and angry. I have noticed that when I do not have enough sleep under my belt is when I get the worst. And sometimes, the depression lasts for weeks. When this happens is when I consider it The Void. Those feelings bubble up even when I know I am being crazy and angering. I do things angrily and clumsily. Sadness takes over. Then anger. Then feeling unneeded. Then unwanted. So many feelings well up inside of me that I cannot do anything about any of them. It is the feeling of helplessness that gets to me. That feeling makes me cry most often. I hate asking for help even when I need it the most.

Sometimes there are not any feelings at all. Nothing. My mind is blank, my feelings are not there, yet I feel detached and sad at the same time. And when it is terrible, I hurt physically. Everywhere hurts physically when it is awful. The most common form of pain takes place in my left shoulder. Like a person gripping my shoulder and down into my heart, and it loops under my heart to the bottom of my shoulder blade. Nerves sometimes make me wince in pain in that shoulder. My legs will seize and creak to the point where I almost fall flat on my face. My skin will even burn and ache to the point where I am afraid to move until it passes. And sometimes it does not. Sometimes it feels like a spear going straight through my entire body from one side to a completely different point in my body.

This void that is inside me is not as bad as it used to be. Since I switched medications, it has been so much better and so much worse. It has made me gain a lot of weight. I am actively trying to lose a bit of weight, but I fear I may be just gaining massive amounts of muscle instead.