The Truth About Addiction That Changed How I See Everyone

Hi, my name is Nils and I’m an addict.

I’ve been addicted for most of my life. And you know what?

Chances are, you have too.

Now, hear me out. Most of us don’t have the obvious addictions like drugs, alcohol, gambling, or porn. But we all have attachments, certain beliefs about ourselves and the world. Every one of us is addicted to certain patterns of thinking. If you’re not sure about that, a great book to read about it is Addiction and Grace by Gerald May.

We live in a society that places way too high a value on feeling good. When that happens, especially at the expense of relationship and connection, addiction thrives and shame sets in. We substitute feeling good about ourselves for feeling good, period.

It’s a recipe for disaster.

In our culture, addiction takes many forms. We are addicted to our smartphones, to shopping, and to making more money. You name it; we can be addicted to it. And it is literally killing us. If that sounds a bit far-fetched, have a look at what psychiatrist Anna Lembke says in her book, Dopamine Nation. She says that the smartphone, in particular, is the

“modern-day hypodermic needle, delivering digital dopamine 24/7 for a wired generation”.

Add to that the fact that 70 percent of the world’s population owns one, and you might begin to see your problem. Elsewhere in her book, Lembke adds that,

“global deaths from addiction have risen in all age groups between 1990 and 2017, with more than half the deaths occurring in people younger than 50 years of age”.

If you don’t think you are addicted, try staying off your smartphone for a few weeks and see how you feel.

The opposite of addiction

So, how exactly is this killing us? Isn’t that a bit of an over-the-top statement?

Well, it’s not, really. Research is now showing a definite link between addiction and the lack of connection in our society. The British researcher and author, Johann Hari, says that, in the United States, the number of people who can say they have close friends to call on in a crisis has been diminishing since the 1950s. Do you know what the most common answer to the question of how many close friends Americans can call on in a crisis today is?

None. It’s not the average answer, but it is the most common one.

Hari adds,

“The amount of floor space an individual has in their home has been steadily increasing [since the 1950s], and I think that’s like a metaphor for the choice we’ve made as a culture. We’ve traded floorspace for friends; we’ve traded stuff for connections, and the result is we are one of the loneliest societies there has ever been.”

In my country, Australia, depression, and loneliness are at epidemic levels. In fact, loneliness contributes to more deaths in Australia than obesity. And that is quite a feat considering Australia, along with the US, are the most obese nations in the world.

So, what is the answer?

Human beings are wired to live in communit y— in relationship. The above-mentioned research confirms that. When people find a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives through community, they will be much less likely to feel the need to use, drink compulsively, gamble, or look at porn.

For me, this shows that the words of Jesus are just as applicable today as they were 2,000 years ago. If we really believe that Jesus is who he says he is, then he has to be relevant to all of life. So, when he says that life does not consist in the abundance of possessions, when he asks what it will profit someone if they gain the whole world but lose their very self, and when he says that the greatest commandment is to love God and love your neighbor, this all has direct relevance to 21st-century life.

This is why I am convinced that love really is the answer to life, that love really is the meaning of life. Jonathan Hari knows it, and he is a self-confessed atheist. In a TED talk he gave about addiction, he said the following:

“What I’ve tried to do now, and I can’t tell you I do it consistently and I can’t tell you it’s easy, is to say to the addicts in my life that I want to deepen the connection with them, to say to them, I love you whether you’re using or you’re not. I love you, whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you because I love you and I don’t want you to be alone or to feel alone.

And I think the core of that message — you’re not alone, we love you — has to be at every level of how we respond to addicts, socially, politically and individually. For 100 years now, we’ve been singing war songs about addicts. I think all along we should have been singing love songs to them, because the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.”

The unlikeliest of prophets

The philosopher and theologian Kent Dunnington adds:

“Persons with severe addictions are among those contemporary prophets that we ignore to our own demise, for they show us who we truly are.”

Because we are all addicts in one form or another, what people like Hari and Dunnington say applies to all of us.

Our world is in a terrible state. We are so deluded that we base our national well-being on how well the economy is doing. We are so contradicted that we talk about community while at the same time being bombarded daily by the message that freedom lies in being an individual without ties.

Call it naive, call it simplistic, call it what you will, but the fact is that love always wins in the end. When we have relationships of healthy intimacy and connection, we thrive. That’s why Hari says that the opposite of addiction is connection.

The first letter of John in the New Testament says, simply, “Beloved, let us love one another.”

Whether it be a support group like a 12 Step fellowship or a men’s group, or something else, healthy human connection in an environment of safety will negate the need for addiction. This will not just have positive consequences for the individual but for society as well.

Thanks for letting me share.