The Trouble with Triggers

It started off simply enough; my boyfriend wanted to watch some shows together. Admittedly, I did not. Both of us are hermit-like, and very happy to each do our own thing in our own areas of the house, so when one of us wants to do something together, we both try to meet that need as best we can. Sometimes, though, it just doesn't happen. I considered telling him "not tonight" again, but he'd just ask nearly every day until we did, causing me both irritation and guilt. It's always a hurdle to get me into watching a show, complete with eye-rolling, a look of disdain, and possibly a low groan of annoyance.

Especially if it's a new show.

And I knew he wanted to watch one; he'd been bringing up Peacemaker for several days.

It had been several weeks since we'd last sat down together on the couch to watch shows together. Sometimes, it's not even shows: Reddit videos, YouTube clips, streamers - my boyfriend always has something he wants to watch. I tend to lean towards animal and nature documentaries, re-watching my same selection of comfort shows and movies, or something I don't have to pay the most attention to - all depending on my mood or ability to concentrate that day and such.

I said sure, even though I wasn't very interested in watching anything; when he didn't hear me in the other room, I dozed off waiting for him to finish dabbing cannabis concentrates in his office while he assumed I just hadn't come down after all. Eventually he came out of his office and saw me laying on the couch.

"I didn't think you came down," he said, mentioning that he'd thought he'd heard me and had called out. I might have been a little spaced out.

The day before, during my - 4th? 5th? - session of therapy, we finally got around to talking about the groping incident. In short, 15 years ago - when I was 15 - I was groped by an older student in front of a group of about 10 of my peers. Under my shirt and bra. And despite all of us filing reports and one even getting video evidence, my incident was not taken seriously, and nothing came of it. That can be read about further in "Uncovered".

I talked about the flashbacks; how, for years, I had noticed discomfort around certain words. And certain touches - even by my partner of over 7 years. Often, the discomforts were quick. Fleeting. Easy to push aside and ignore. To the point that pushing them aside became routine...

...and then came the big one. The one that I immediately wrote "Flashback" about.

I'd gone into the restroom to wash up in the sink, like I do every day after I've been walking for a while.

While I had been thinking more deeply about my past after family drama started up in August 2021, I had also started keeping a few journals. One holds my dreams from October 2021 - January 2022, which are documented here, and the other contains my moods and upsets from November 2021 onward. And since I had started keeping track of my upsets and other possible behaviors I thought a therapist would be curious about, I had noticed a few things that really stood out.

Among them was the fact that reading or hearing the words, "tits", "titties", or "tiddys" would often cause a physical reaction: the same small spot on the upper right side of my head holds a "flash". Sometimes white, sometimes purple. It doesn't feel great, but this is one of the things I had been brushing off for years, as it is quick. I knew this stemmed from the groping incident because, when asked what was he doing to me, all the dickhead would say was, "just grabbing some titties!"

I knew that sometimes, with my partner, even just the proximity of his hands to my chest could cause the same flash as well as anxious thoughts. I'd long suspected they were tied to the groping incident too, and possibly flashbacks. But they'd always been easy enough to dismiss, so I wasn't sure they were flashbacks.

That big one changed things - and was the final straw to push me to seek a therapist after years rejecting the idea.

It was December 2021, just a few days before Christmas. I finished my daily pacing/thinking and went to wash up in the sink before moving on to what was supposed to be a productive day of housework and meal prepping. Despite the reactions to my partner touching me, I had never had an issue that I could recall while washing myself.

I don't know if writing about the incident and thinking on it more while tracking and recording upsets led to it, but suddenly, as I barely caught sight of myself in the mirror while washing up, it wasn't my hands gripping my breasts. I was 15 and frozen and glitching out while some guy I hardly knew touched me so inappropriately. That same spot on the upper right of my brain lit up in a painful flash of purple, and this time it was not something that could be easily dismissed. This was intense, and extended, and left no doubt after the fact that what I had just experienced was a flashback. And it fucked me up.

I was supposed to be safe washing myself - I hadn't had a lot of issues with my own handling of my body. Now that "safe spot" isn't safe anymore, and it's really screwed with me; I've had to force myself to look at myself in the mirror for weeks just so I won't become avoidant of mirrors, but even then, I've had trouble meeting my own eye, fearful of a repeat and a bit ashamed.

As I finished summarizing the groping incident and the flashbacks for my therapist in the last 20 minutes of that session, I also asked her a question that's bothered me since July 2021. One that led to my hiatus from cannabis and journal of the resulting dreams for three months; were they bad dreams or nightmares?

By the end of that session, the psychologist informed me that everything I had mentioned - and displayed emotionally - fit the symptoms of PTSD, and that, despite the general lack of physical reactions to the dreams, what I've had for my entire life have actually likely been nightmares. My response to both the PTSD and nightmares?

"Oh, that's fun."

Neither of these was really a surprise to me or my partner; we've long suspected it. But there is a certain weight that comes with having confirmation from a professional, and I left the session with the heft of that knowledge. Knew it made sense. Suspected - and expected - it. And yet...

...that weight is shocking.

And that was the day before this; before a night of shows turned into another mind-fuck. I was hoping to relax on the couch with my boyfriend. Hopeful that maybe starting to watch something would put me in a better state of mind. And admittedly hopeful that my boyfriend would rub my legs a bit, as he tends to do while we watch shows. It had been a few weeks, after all, and leg rubs make it easier for me to want to stick around when I'm not that interested in the shows. Talking about the incident that led to my PTSD and coping with the new information was stressful; legs rubs would be soothing.

He started off with a few odds-and-ends clips from the internet. Behind-the-scenes movie productions and the like. Interesting enough - I just wasn't really interested in that moment.

He then put on the next episode of Succession, which has been very difficult for me to get into so far. There's not really a character I even remotely enjoy so far, so I was not overly thrilled that's what he put on.

And then came the dreaded line.

"I'm gonna put on Peacemaker, okay?"

I crinkled my face in annoyance. Generally, I enjoy shows and movies - if I watch them on my own terms. But since I largely re-watch the same comfort shows... I rarely increase my quantity of watched shows. I was also hesitant about another "hero" show. I'll have to write about the experience another time, but I was reintroduced to the character James "Bucky" Barnes (the Winter Soldier) and his character arc in 2021 and he/it really ties into parallels with my own mental health. I've since been very invested in the MCU - mostly around this character, but working through the films again - so I've already been revisiting the superhero genre. We're still catching up together on The Boys as well. And now he's introduced Peacemaker.

Ugh.

It's a whole thing why I'm in a love/hate relationship with watching movies and shows. I could honestly write a whole 'nother thing on it. I might, in time. But, any case...

...we watched the first episode of Peacemaker.

While The Boys tends to get on the dark and graphic side of the super human/hero genre - showcasing the brutality of morally corrupt "supers" - Peacemaker has a much more, dare I say - goofy? - feel. So far, it seems to make fun of the trope. Doesn't take itself too seriously.

I actually have some good things to say about the first episode, even if I'm not sure I wish to continue with the show yet.

I was pleasantly surprised at the opening - very much in-line for today's so-called "PC-culture" - featuring a married couple. It was nice to see a portrayal of a married same-sex couple; something that that community has struggled to get - and continues to struggle to get - in real life.

I know people in my own life who complain that there's "too much" of such portrayals these days, but I find it rather refreshing. Yes, there's probably more such scenes these days by comparison - as there should be! There's entire groups of people who have never felt properly portrayed in media, and they want their stories told in the same ways anybody else does. It's not a hard fucking concept; make some room at the table. Uncomfortable? You think they've been comfortable with media that constantly rejects their existence and ways of living? Shut up and fuck off; it's someone else's turn to tell a story. Quit getting hung up on it and try to enjoy the show and what they are trying to convey.

I was also impressed by the bar scene. I thought for sure, they were going to pull the classic, "hero saves main hot chick from shady guys". Nuh-uh.

Nope.

They pulled the "hot chick defends herself like a boss" move. But then...

...oh, but then she even confronts the main guy about him spotting her and following her. Oh, now talk about refreshing. I liked that; it was well-done.

I then thought, 'oh no; they're gonna do the "handsome main dude gets the hot chick in bed with him right away anyway" trope'. Which, yes, kinda happened. But not how I thought; in fact, he actually gets rejected several times in this first episode. Again, refreshing.

While the show makes fun of the genre and itself even, though...

...well, clearly I wrote this to describe what part of the episode broke me.

Earlier, I highlighted some words that cause me to tense and have flashbacks - triggers. My triggers. Given that I only recently came to terms with the fact that I even have triggers and flashbacks, the first episode of Peacemaker was a doozie.

There's a scene where the characters all meet up at a restaurant. In order to showcase the type of man our "hero" is, there's some dialogue directed at the waitress.

It starts off with, "sweet cheeks"; that over-used, half-expected - but nowadays often offensive - nickname. That was a bit of a shock - it's not a common occurrence in most current shows to use "sweet cheeks". But the thing that fucked me over, personally, came next.

"Sugar-tits" was the word. And it was not just said once - the term is used many times in quick succession. The result was not great.

"You okay?" my boyfriend asked; he knew that the scene likely had an effect on me and probably noticed that I had tensed up, though I didn't readily realize I had yet.

If I know the word is coming - like in a comfort show I've seen often - I'm able to brace for and sometimes minimize the effects. But since this was a first watch, I was simply slammed with the trigger word several times with no time for recovery in between. It just kept happening. It took a few seconds after the string of the word ended before I was able to release the stereotypical breath I didn't know I was holding. I finally understood that phrase for myself because of this.

I nodded as I slowly exhaled and said I thought so. By the end of the first episode though, I told him, "actually, that was rough."

And it was. I had tensed up and held a breath without knowing it, and coming back from glitch-mode to that was an unsettling, confusing experience. A trigger is a robbery that keeps occurring; it steals time and time again. It steals comfort and safety; steals thoughts and personality; steals time and sanity. I came back from glitch-city and had to remind myself to release my clenched fists and start breathing.

It's been a rough few days. Okay, it's been a rough... Shit. It's just been a rough time overall. The more I try to fix my issues, the more issues I seem to find, and they're kinda kicking my ass.

I see and hear the words everywhere; often without knowledge to brace myself. It's so common to use "tits" or "titties" anymore, that it's not uncommon to get a string of the word in quick succession, with little to no time to collect myself in-between. Friends post without the knowledge or thought of my triggers. Random groups I'm in drop the words all the time. My boyfriend puts something on and forgets or doesn't realize the triggers are there. It's been 15 years and the incident still finds ways to steal from me, and it's so painful.

Nothing was done for what was done to me; it angers me. 15 years later, and the guy that did that to me probably never gives me a thought. Never thinks about the consequences of his actions that linger in me. And yet, I have to deal with things like this. There's no peace from the triggers; I can't censor the world of these words. My partner can't enjoy me fully how he wants because someone else ruined the experience. Even I can't anymore; I can hardly look in the mirror.

While I think I'm willing to give the next episode a watch, I'm always going to be waiting for the next drop of one of those trigger words. Not just in Peacemaker; everywhere. I hope they don't reuse the word in future episodes, but with the number of times they dropped it in that scene, I'm a little worried - particularly if there are more scenes in that fictional building.

Peacemaker - the character - has a habit of killing people; I'm afraid my mental health may be counted among his casualties.