Flashback

That was... bad. That was bad. It's been over half an hour and I'm still freaking out about it.

I think I had a flashback. I think that's what they are, and that I have had them before, but this time...

...this time, I honestly thought that I wouldn't have them while washing up. I don't readily recall having had them while washing myself in the past, so I always assumed that, "I don't have them while I am the one touching me".

December 22, 2021 - 6:15 A.M.

Having been up pacing/smoking CBD/listening to music/thinking (usual, everyday combo) since about 3:30 A.M. when I woke naturally, I was just thinking about going down to the kitchen and doing some baking, food-prep, and cleaning in the kitchen. Within the week I'll be heavy, sluggish, and largely uninterested in much. How do I know this? Well, cause I pretty much always get that way in the days leading up to the start of my next period. I'll eat more, getting my 10,000 steps a day in will suddenly be extremely hard, and I'll want to sleep a lot more. So best to prep food now, cause I won't be a damn bit motivated to cook soon.

Furthermore, Christmas is in just a few days, and I plan to make cookies and dog biscuits as gifts. And - as I have mentioned in several posts on Vocal.media in 2021 - I am going to be seeking out a therapist and hope to start early in 2022, partially for things like what happened this morning. That's why I also wanted to focus on some cleaning and housework today; so that I have some of the basic things in order when I seek out a therapist and can focus on that and not also worry so much about the state of the house. Plus, it should be much easier to keep up if I can just get it in order. I fell behind and never caught up. I'm working on it though.

So with all that swirling around, trying to decide what order things need to be done in for efficiency and time-frames, I went to use the restroom. After washing my hands, I decided I should wash my upper body as well - all that pacing tends to lead to sweat and I suffer from acne. I try to wash up a few times throughout the day, especially if I have been sweating.

I recently wrote a piece titled, "Uncovered" about an incident when I was 15; I was publicly groped at my high school. There is salt in the irony of that title and what happened today.

I hadn't fully removed my shirt when I began washing my upper body; I had only pulled it up high enough that I could wash. As I began doing so, I caught sight of my breasts in my hands in the mirror as I washed, my shirt half-covering them already. And for the first time that I can remember, I had what I assume to be a flashback while washing myself. I don't ever recall being uncomfortable with the thought or sight of me touching my breasts; only when my partner tries to touch them or if I am thinking about that incident.

So, does that mean that I never had such thoughts before? Or did I have them, but push them aside so quickly that I didn't really realize them? Is this because now I am trying to keep track of these things, so now I notice them more, or it is making me think more about the incident, and this is a result of that?

My brief mood of productiveness dropped to a sharp low instantaneously. What I think are flashbacks come suddenly - like a flash, fittingly - and usually it is the memory of that guy at school squeezing my breasts under my shirt and bra when I did not expect or want that. It's like I'm back there: frozen in body, mind spinning, glitching out. Out of order. Broken.

I've thought about the incident if I grab my breasts myself while dressed, and that can cause some discomfort too, now that I stop to think about it. It's kind of awful when I realize that something I have done/thought for so long is more prominent than I had thought. It's so easy to brush things aside and forget, and now that I'm trying to take stock and see how often I've having certain thoughts and moods, it seems to just go on and on. I don't know if these are coming with more frequency because I'm thinking about that incident more now or if I'm just paying more attention and noticing the things I normally brush aside for what they really, actually are.

It's now been over an hour (7:33 A.M.) since, and I'm still pretty discontented by this. Not only was this so unexpected that it shook me up, but the intensity. That was bad.

I'm trying to have this written - for that therapist and for anyone that may read this and may be struggling with something similar. I wrote down the initial feeling in my physical journal as well, but it's nice to think that here is something I can still point a therapist or mental health professional to if my physical journal is damaged or lost. It's nice to think that maybe by typing this all here that maybe someone who needs it will come across it. It's nice to think that maybe by writing through this so quickly, maybe this keeps the rawness that can help make those unaffected by such thoughts understand what it is like to have them; it's fucking shit.

I have a knot in my throat because I'm still freaking out and nearly want to cry, but I'm trying to hold it together too and it's a special kind of torment. I keep thinking about it - I've had what I suspect is a flashback, during a time I didn't think I had them, with an intensity that I have not had before. I feel kind of sick.

The more of these things that I'm noticing happen, the more ready I am to get help because there is just no way I can do this myself if this is the kind of thing I'm having to face off with. That said, it's still terrifying to wonder what a mental health professional would say. Would they discount me? Tell me I'm too dramatic? Maybe what I'm having is only mild and I'm being a baby about it - there's plenty of folks that went through far worse.

Probably not; I think it's "normal" to say such things to avoid being called ungrateful for the good in life. I'm pretty sure I've sang the same song and dance of many others before me. We - folks like me/in similar positions - know it's not all bad; we know others have it worse. But it's hard to not think that I'll be discounted. Hard to think that what I go through now might be valid for what happened then.

I just can't get over it. It happened two hours ago (8:14 A.M.), and it's like I've got the thing on loop. But I have shit to do, so I'm going to close this up and get started on meal prep/baking dog biscuits. Maybe doing something else now will help. And I may want to reach out to a therapist today vs after the holidays like I initially planned, so that I can get scheduled to see someone as soon as possible, cause this is really starting to kick my ass.

Therapy is scary, but this is worse; I think.

That was bad.