The Saviour Needs a Saviour

I never expected to grow up and regret the beautiful life that was given to me. But here I am; sad and guilty. Sad and guilty due to impressionable qualities that sink into my skin faster than my fears of overruling my decisions to continue on with existing in a sadder than sad type of manor. I may or may not be upset over many other things in one way or another. Had such a heavy heart and empty mind. Miserable if I could call it anything. Doubtful that I had any joys to make me feel okay! And... it’s not even close to being okay. The pain of not being able to explain myself on time or saying the proper things first is a burden of mine and I don’t wish to get to know anybody in ways where they would care about me or my life. I just want to keep hiding. But now I’m an independent adult that’s scared of trying the normal adult habits because she had no childhood practice for normal things that kids in the same line of standing could complete but she couldn’t.

It’s a scary situation. I’m filled with anxiety, worry, and doubt. I’m so late on my life’s timetable or agenda so to speak as whatever it’s called I’m still not ready to go and grasp it’s greatness. I’m sad. I’m lost. I’m afraid. I had left something so dear to me and it’s something I can’t get back. That something would be called time (my childhood, my adolescence, and now my early adulthood) And much more of it has been lost. Lost time and time spent sleeping due to my overwhelming ideas and beliefs of not wanting to exist in such a place where there is so much of this ‘out of my inner life’ type of danger that I’m now trapped in this questionable stance. I don’t want to have to question every little thing. I don’t care to watch how I move because things are way easy that way. No need for any complications. I wish to be able to move and breathe the way I have always been because it’s much easier than filling our minds with garbage, wrongful ideas, and lies when our focus and main attention needs to be directly set on being saved and how to be the one to save.

Saving ourselves must always come first. I don’t care if it’s hard for anybody or if you don’t want to do it... save yourself! Due to the fact of individuality that is why I had said I don’t care. Since in individualality we are left on our own. Simply meaning that being on our own and being alone slightly resembles each other. Yet we won’t always be alone but forever on our own is my point. That is why my ‘don’t care’ attitude towards topics like this resembles an issue that people really believe just because they do help save others that these “others” will do the same back for them. That’s usually not so much the case. Usually these people are greedy and won’t even attempt to be thankful or maybe they don’t know how to in the exact right way to repay, appreciate, or give thanks for what they are trying to give back. So there’s always also an issue in that!

A miscommunication that lead to the situation being confronted in the wrong way. Or in a hurtful way which really scares me because I’m not used to people let alone being around others that don’t like my loosy goosy way of living. So in that I just mean I can’t be around other people... yes, people. Not even just a direct comment towards a certain group of individuals I’m talking about the entire human race. I must stay away. So scary! Can anybody truly blame me for not wanting to surrender my good intentions and faith I have in the world? It’s something I’m holding tightly on. I don’t want to keep losing my mind or my precious beliefs. But since we exist in a land full of anger and sorrow I’m scared again. Scared that global issues won’t ever get resolved and we will all be stuck in the invisible chains of depression because of the matter that nobody in the power of fixing things has fixed them. Yet or at all and I’m worried it’s not even on their own timetable to eventually or to ever make the planet right.

That’s why I am here. I’m here to announce world changing ideas. To express my fears, my hurt, my worries, and my broad ideas on life! It’s a heavy job. To be an example to others. Then to be held accountable on your words, actions, and motives. I respect that though! It’s tough stuff and that’s why I believe most things haven’t yet been resolved yet because the world changing aspect of it all will definitely be hard on some to accept or hard for them to adjust with in the real world nowadays.

I’m so curious as to see my life turn around for the better. It’s an exciting happening to be truthful with you all. I’m just in a rush of getting my life back together. But it seems impossible. I don’t know how to obey cues or how to not keep messing up my relationships with the special ones. I’m so tired but it’s not over yet. No, you see this fight might be lifelong or extremely time consuming to the matter of fact that my bridges have been burned down and I can’t swim. (Basically meaning: I ruined my life and I can’t face the mess.) so here I stand wondering if anybody is capable at helping me in the area of being saved?

Because even a saviour; the saviour of today’s world, needs to be saved them self. It’s not an easy job and then when we must face life on its own it’s terrifying to the extent of being brought back to reality and being forced to exist in a place that keeps you in an uncomfortable mood. It’s not fair and it should be! But the reason of why I’m always caught clinging to the unknown or by holding onto the shield of protection in which it safe keeps in cases where you don’t want to face the world. Ever and ever again. But because we exist in a minority I always said that if our minority was proper then we would not need authority in this place. So I continue to be confused and off set because of the way people like to drag around their shadows and from what their shadows show of their inner lights. These lights are so dim and it’s not calling for an upgrade but are calling for a complete change of direction and use.

Sounds simple doesn’t it? Well... just kind of. It’s easy in my eyes because I never shun the idea of perfection or close the door to something that I can use later on in my life. This type of ritual magnifies a butchering idea of why more people aren’t on the same page. Well I guess you can say that morals and values of the world and by what goes on in the world differ from one another due to the fact that they’re so many unique and different individual persons that carry our planet off into a sad stream of wander. It’s something not talked enough about. Or it’s something not shown enough to the audiences of our nations and society’s. In partnership I agree that I’ll keep trying for the better sake of our world but I mustn’t be anything other than a somebody that gets the word out there and practice for when they disclaim my habits of hiding away.

I’m truly trying my hardest to set these examples of love, strength, and worthiness. It’s a difficult one to exactly aim and achieve but I’m still here to show this place what I am made of. It’s something I want to scream to the world but the entire audience can’t hear me or understand me at the same level. That’s okay... in certain ways I mean. But then in other certain ways it’s not even close to being okay and that is something that sets me off. I’m really not the type to be angered by anything but in today’s reality I’m feeling guilty for not expressing my reasons for being upset at the world to the audiences of the world! It’s something I’m trying to reach but it’s a bit further away than I had initially believed. But that is okay for me as long as I reach that state and can show something from myself then I shall be okay and slowly after my life is in a better grip then as will the world too.