The "S" Word

Sobriety. What a scary word. It’s a word I wished for almost a decade that I would never have to say yet yearned for at the same time. I suppose it means different things to different people but for me it meant not drinking. I wouldn’t consider myself an alcoholic, but I saw the signs.

It all started the same as it usually does with most people dealing with addiction, something tragic happened to me. Several tragedies happened to me starting at an early age. I wouldn’t say they caused my addiction, but it triggered something inside my brain. There was a train and I didn’t see it coming.

When I was 9 years old my best friend’s father molested me. This went on for about a year before I ran from the situation that was causing me such internal pain. I thought that by letting him hurt me he wouldn’t hurt my friend who was a few years younger than me. Not only was I wrong, she endured much worse than I did for several years. She tried to take her own life and that’s when the truth came out. By this time, I had long lost contact.

When I was 13 my Grandmother whom I was very close to was sent home on hospice September 11th, 2001. I bet you know that day for a different reason. She passed 3 days before my birthday. I didn’t get to say goodbye like my cousins did because they didn’t think I could handle it. I’m still not okay with it.

A few weeks later one of my close friends who I had a huge crush on murdered his sister in a very violent way. I miss him still and have reached out on occasion to touch base with him, but I couldn’t bear to see him again. The details alone are horrifying enough. Six months later my grandfather passed away suddenly. I didn’t say goodbye, but I was at the hospital, I couldn’t enter that room knowing what happens next.

Now you would think that would be enough heartache for one child in a short amount of time, but my parents didn’t know I was molested. It was a curtain of shame that I carried with me feeling guilty and alone.

I met my high school sweetheart and we married and had children, but it was not a happy marriage. He was very much an emotional abuser, looking back now I can see he was always like that I just didn’t seem to notice. When things started to get physical, I knew our marriage was over. He was an addict but his demons where stronger than what I could help him with. One day while we were cleaning my kids were taken to their grandmother’s house. I saw that he had hit the whiskey early but that was fine I assumed we were getting a break today to do chores around the house, I was played. His mistress who was his mother’s nanny and considered family to me had taken my kids so that I could be served divorce papers. Upon being served and reading that he was seeking full custody claiming I was an unfit mother, abusive and that I was an alcoholic not only were untrue statements but defaming of my character. It took six months to get my kids and get awarded full custody as the courts saw through his bullshit.

About 4 years later after battling cancer and failing kidneys my grandfather would pass away. I was his caretaker and I watched him slowly fade away. I was the one who "pulled the plug" and that will haunt me till my last breath.

After a little bit I tried moving to Boston but found quickly that it wasn’t home, so I flew back to be homeless and had to stay in a Shelter with my kids until I found a home which happened very quickly. This is where things got out of control. My neighbors were gang members and often had shootouts on my block. I lived in a beautiful house, but my neighborhood was a mess. I was friendly with all my neighbors including them and in return for me turning a blind eye to some activities I was protected.

I soon met and fell head over heels for a man who was my mom’s friend’s son. This was a mistake. I found out 6 months into our relationship that he was sleeping with multiple women and often his wife. Yes, you read that right. I was unaware that he was still married and while they were separated, they still had relations. He said I love you for the first time and last time on my birthday. This is also the last time I saw him in person. Often, we were out at the bar after work and we would party every time I didn’t have my kids. But this was different. For me I was in love, maybe I still am.

I started to spiral, waking up at 5 am to start drinking. Passing out around noon and waking up right before my kids got home from school so they wouldn’t know I had been drinking all day. They knew more than I did.

Late one night my neighbor had a party, I attended but only for a beer and I went right back home. Little did I know that someone was watching me. About 1 am my mother had left for work. Five minutes after she left there was a knock on the door. My son assuming it was grandma and that she had left something behind opened the door and a large man came into my home and sought me out. He came downstairs where I had been with my son watching TV, proceeded to pull out his member and trying to thrust it into my mouth. I whispered our safe word to my child who knows if I’m using that word something is wrong. I asked the man to please let my son go upstairs cause what he was asking me to do was inappropriate for a child to witness. He let my son go upstairs where he was about to call 911 when he stopped because of the scream he heard come out of a grown man. You see I wasn’t about to let what happened to me happen again. I bit him in his upper right thigh and that sent him running and cursing out of my home. I called the cops. No one came. When they finally did it was two days later, nothing was done because I wouldn’t put my kids on the witness stand.

I didn’t even hide my drinking at this point, Id given up and was on the verge of a mental breakdown which I finally had in February of 2019 when my house was shot up again. I had had enough. I left my hometown and moved 1500 miles away. This meant leaving the kids with their father while I got sober, which at this point he was. It took several months before it took but when it did my life changed dramatically.

I started to get sick in July of 2019. I couldn’t keep food down and I was battling an eating disorder, I had been hospitalized twice and was told I had a blood disorder possibly cancer and that they needed to find it. I don’t remember the last time I drank honestly; I just know that I quit before the hard stuff started to happen. Two weeks before Christmas I was hospitalized again and was told I had a month at most to live. I was diagnosed with Liver failure. I knew I had my sobriety, but I also needed to have a plan. A plan to live.

Then as we all know, the year 2020 came to be and I was still alive, I was hospitalized one more time this time with an infection and we decided on a new treatment for my liver. I was healing and rapidly. The yellow in my eyes started to fade and there was hope. In June a few short days after Father’s Day my cousin passed away in a tragic car accident. A tree fell during a storm and struck his car. He died instantly. I feared for my sobriety, I feared that I would drink and die, after all I already felt kind of dead inside. I took comfort though in knowing that my last convo with my cousin was brief, but we said I love you and best wishes for the future. I knew he wouldn’t want me to stop fighting so I didn’t. I went to his funeral during this pandemic and thankfully did not get sick with covid, but it was relaxed and filled with memories.

My kids came to visit after the funeral, and we had a fun hanging out joking and playing on tiktok. Sending them home was hard, but I will see them soon. In September 2020 I found out that all my tests are coming back normal, I may never need a transplant. Sobriety is a scary word. But it’s a word that saved my life. Not only is it scary but it’s become a love story between the chaos and me. I’m learning that the longer I am sober the more alive I feel. That doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days but there is still so much good in the world and I don’t want to miss any of it. This is my story and I’m sure it is story that thousands share.

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction or thinking about getting sober reach out to someone. There is always help. Don’t give up on healing. We do recover.