The Reasons Why I Write

I suppose I should introduce myself to my current and future subscribers since my Matilda article did manage to catch a bit of attention. Many of you might resonate with what I will be saying in this article and some of you might not know of my experience. I realize that my disability, or my experiences with it, will also make me stand out from most of the people on this site. In the end, I do hope that you will be taking the time to read what I have to say regarding this subject.

I have always been wanting to write for a larger audience ever since I was young. It all started when I was in 2nd grade and I was interested in fictional stories where the underdogs had to fight in order to be accepted by their community. I wanted to emulate these characters in my writing and I always had inspiration with characters like Anne Shirley because I related to her struggles with being ostracized by everyone around her. My dreams of becoming a writer were always laughed at by everyone because it is not a "viable career" for someone like me.

My English teacher was one of my major inspirations for continuing my passion for writing. I found that writing was one of the main avenues where my own thoughts can come out of my head more clearly. It is also one of the main areas where I, and my words, are taken more seriously by other people if they are not aware of my disability. Through the disabled community, I have finally been able to understand why I was facing such hurdles in life where others seemed to have the easiest time.

These stories were my escape from the reality of living as a disabled girl in the 90's and 2000's. I have endured years of bullying and abuse from both adults and my peers, my chances of success were already considered low because of my diagnosis. I was naïve at that time thinking that maybe I had nothing valuable to contribute and that was why I was being bullied and abused. I believed that me winning a prize, in some grand sense would make me well-liked among my peers. I have won a few contests involving my writing and the serotonin hits that I received from the congratulations were worth it. I was still never considered a hero for winning these contests. I was still the "weird kid" at my school even after I graduated.

At University, I was often complimented on my writing by my professors when I was given assignments. But I needed to write about topics that interested me. I struggled with the oppressive structure of university, and would fail some classes because the topics did not spark something inside of me. I would always get yelled at by my mother for failing these classes, accused of being "lazy", "not listening", "not working hard enough." Over the years, I have been learning more and more about myself, what triggered my meltdowns, why I never seemed motivated to do certain tasks. Writing was the only subject I ever truly cared about, adding to that I had a strength for calling attention to things that mattered most to me. I am a university graduate 2 years later, I still want to write despite university making writing difficult. I still made it and "beat the odds" again but I still feel empty.

I am not certain where all the writing that I am doing will take me, or even if I will be successful with it. I do know that any “traditional” field of work is not for me and feels almost soul crushing. I am meant to be heard or at least leave a mark before I pass from the physical plain, not meant to be forgotten by the people who took the time to read or listen. I decided to take on this website because I was told, by many people, that these types of platforms would help me get my voice out there. I also want to write so I can let the Autistic adults and youth who come across my writing to know that they are not alone in their struggles.