The Real Me

I use DMTakeshi as a pseudonym because when I first started writing my poetry, I was too embarrassed to share it with anyone and I didn’t want my name attached to my work. I didn’t know if it was any good. Now I’m very proud of my poetry but I still love the DMTakeshi name.

I am thirty-six years old and grew up in the nineties and early 2000’s. The era of Biggie and Tupac, Spice Girls, Friends and The Fresh Prince, very straight hair with big curly bangs, Jncos, pogs and Tamagotchis. We were the last era to be seen playing outside without an adult in sight. I loved rollerblading and hockey.

I had a rough start in life, but I’m much stronger now. I was mentally and physically abused by my stepdad growing up. He should’ve been in jail for all he did, but back then other adults didn’t report to CPS where I came from. They ignored the signs of abuse, and some even protected the abuser. I was molested by my cousin when I was four. I was raped when I was fifteen, sixteen and twenty-one.

I have been suicidal since I was twelve years old. I took some medicine I don’t remember that had some Tylenol in it while I was a friend’s house right before school. When I arrived at school, I thought I heard my teacher and the principal talking about me overdosing on the medicine. I must have been hallucinating because they never came to talk with me about it. I just threw the medicine up after class and never told anyone about it. I went on to try to kill myself two other times as a teenager.

I am a mother of two really cool human beings. I wish I was a better mother for them. I am trying every day to gain new tools to raise them with. My oldest is thirteen and he is transgendered. He is also suicidal, and it scares me. I just want him to make it alive through his teenage years. My eleven-year-old was ignored as she was growing up because her brother has required double the attention. She has definitely suffered as a result.

My husband is extremely compassionate, and I am grateful. He has remained a constant support in my life. We were high school sweethearts so you can imagine that we have had our fair share of rocky patches and smooth waves. I love being his partner.

I was recently diagnosed as bipolar, borderline personality and having PTSD. I don’t let my diagnosis define me, but I’m very open about talking about my mental illness. I think it helps me to remain mentally fit and encourages others to open up or get help. Writing also helps me process what I’m going through in the moment. It makes me feel like I’m not alone.

Today, I started smoking cigarettes again after ten months of not smoking. It was that or I was going to kill myself. My suicidal ideations have just recently come back over the past three years. They had subsided since I was a teenager, so I thought I was fine. I have been seeing a therapist, a family therapist and a psychiatrist for about a year to help me out. I am busy trying to get better after steadily declining for so long.

I am not writing this for sympathy, but rather to connect with more souls that may be experiencing a similar story. If that is you, I see you, I hear you. I want you to know that you are not alone in this crazy world. Here I am, at three AM, putting this out into the universe. I hope it finds the right heart.