The Real “Invisible” Man

Elizabeth Moss stars in a new version of the Invisible Man where she plays a woman caught, but somewhat escaping, the clutches of an abusive and controlling man. As for how good the movie is, it was a “Meh, I’m not mad at it” on a scale of “made me angry it was so bad” to “Whoa, I need to tell all my social media peeps to watch this movie!!!” . In spite of it being a bit on the lukewarm side of “ok”, it did inspire me to delve into some mind soup on the topic of life after domestic violence.

There is a scene where Elizabeth’s character is asked what her ex did to her. She runs through a laundry list of abuse and control, beginning at the “not so serious kinds” and ending at a place that leaves no doubt that things got bad, real bad. It was here that my mind departed from the intended storyline and went a bit rogue.

As Cecelia “Cee” Kass (played by Elizabeth Moss) talked about her painful and shameful experiences and how they went from bad to worse, I found myself wanting to crawl through the screen, sit down at the table with her and and ask her questions like “What was the first red flag you saw in him and in hindsight, did you see it but explain it away?”. “Did you pretend like red flags were accessories and not warnings?”. “Have you asked yourself why you continued with your abuser down that ever worsening wormhole of abuse and control?”. “What are you going to learn from this so you can never have to go through this again?” and lastly “Was your ex part of a bigger pattern?”.

I have dated “The Invisible Man”.

He began as a smile. A beautiful smile that took me in and twirled me around in delight. It was a smile that lit up his eyes at the sight of me, that made my heart do the slip n slide in my chest and my breath catch. It began with flutters and blushes and an underlying sense of not quite deserving all of this adoration. It ended with me wondering that the hell happened.

In between the pink blush of infatuation to the blood red of split lips and red rimmed eyes a whole lot of other color happened. The blues, greens and purples of bruises. The whites of teeth bared at me in rage. The yellows of jealousy. The black of dark nights wondering how I got to where I was and why I couldn’t make it better. These colors revealed The Invisible Man to me like the white paint Cee threw on her Invisible Man in the movie.

I left my abuser after 11 yrs. What I didn’t walk away from, I lost. The most painful losses of all were my children. I did eventually regain custody but it was hard and I failed at more than what I will go into here. But all of that loss, was my beginning. I learned that though wings are beautiful, they must tear through bone and skin to emerge and the process is painful. Wings have to push their way past long held beliefs like grass pushes through concrete. Beliefs like I couldn’t make it in life on my own, that I didn’t deserve real love, that abuse means he cares and that without a relationship I am not whole.

In the movie, Cee eventually claws her way out of death defying situations to freedom. She does so by her wits fueled by anger and revenge. She’s a movie victim. So what about the real women? What do we do? I’ll tell you what I did. I found out that there was not only an Invisible Man “out there” ready to pounce that I hadn’t seen, but that there are also TWO Invisible Women living within me.

The first Invisible Woman was the one who whispered all my can’ts and shouldn’ts to me. The one that was complicit in taking me hostage, using that abusive relationship to do so. It was the voice that told me I couldn’t escape, survive or deserve anything better. It was the one that convinced me there was no way out and then shamed me for staying.

Once I was gone, my biggest fear was that woman. I sensed she was dangerous, cunning and was out to kill me and would succeed if I didn’t do something so I did something. I did a few somethings. It took a good chunk of time but I grew. I uncovered patterns and choices and beliefs I had that made men like the one I had escaped, invisible to my naked eye until it was too late. In the process I discovered the 2nd Invisible Woman. The Wonder Woman within.

My Wonder Woman appeared at the first movie I took myself to. She stood up and cheered at my new courage and independence. She encouraged me to grew in a career and beamed with pride as I was able to pay all of my bills ON MY OWN. She stood beside me in court as I fought for my children and won. She helped me find my voice and taught me that every good relationship has easy access to exits for everyone involved. I call her my Wonder Woman because I wonder how I didn’t know she was there all along. Wonder Woman was ME.

2020′s Invisible Man wasn’t bad. It just seemed rather 1980s to me in it’s complete lack of acknowledgement of what really makes up the dance of domestic violence and what really makes up a true escape. Until I learned how to spot the Invisible Men in the world and came face to face with my own Invisible Women I was doomed to keep dating the same man, even though his name and face changed.

For real women survivors of domestic violence we know it takes more than anger and a wet dream of revenge to insure our own safety not only from “him” but from the woman inside that is doomed to re-date the same man over and over without a personal renaissance and metamorphosis. I’m not saying anger isn’t a great springboard if it is used to get out of the inertia of hopelessness and into action on our own behalf. It’s a great start, but we don’t stop there, we women who have faced our own downfalls and who have committed to wrestle every valuable lesson we can from them. We know it takes learning that the dreaded loneliness turns into blessed solitude if we let it. We learn that crippling insecurity and inadequacies turn into independence and self-esteem if we let it. We learn that “you complete me” is movie magic but that the real magic is becoming a whole person on our own. We learn that as we change from the flower we were into the flower we were always meant to be, the bees that buzz around for our sweet nectar, change. We don’t have to avoid the Invisible Man, he just stops coming around. We no longer qualify for the job.

I’m grateful for my ex Invisible Man. He was my first “psycho vaccination”. I have needed a couple of booster shots along the way but one thing I know and appreciate; some mistakes are just not fun enough to repeat and thankfully, I no longer have to. I have graduated to making different mistakes today and learning brand new lessons.

I'm Wonder Woman and my super power is that Invisible Men can’t hide from me anymore.

-NW