The Power Of No: Why I’ve Started Saying No More Often

We’ve all been taught from a young age to help anyone who could use a hand. I took this ideology and ran with it. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always sought out opportunities to help anyone who needed any assistance. Over the years, the feeling of knowing that I helped someone was so heartwarming that it became a feeling I sought out again and again. I enjoyed doing my part to create a culture where people shared burdens and emphasized with people. So each time I did a favor for someone or went out of my way to help them, I didn’t care what it took; I was just happy to make a difference.

Until I realized how draining all of that could be.

As a student, I have been asked for academic favors and assistance numerous times. Of course, I wanted to help and often went out of my way to do so. But as I got older and the requests got more frequent and intense as people realized just how much I was willing to help, I realized that all of this effort came at a price. And that price came out of my metaphorical wallet. I felt burnt out, obligated to say yes all the time, and prioritized helping others over anything else. What about me, I thought. But years went by as I pushed this thought to the side. How could I say no to someone when they came to me to ask for help? They must have come to me because they thought I could help them, and I can’t let them down.

I failed to realize the consequences neglecting myself could have but always considered what would happen if I didn’t say yes to someone. If someone asked me to skip in line and I was late, I wouldn’t be concerned on how I was already late, I would only think about the other person and how they might be in an even tighter situation. Even if they weren’t, I would still let them skip me because saying “yes” seemed to be the only option. The thought of saying know filled me with immense guilt.

I realized that I put myself second (most times last) and my own personal time was consumed by helping and looking out for others. Sometimes I volunteered my help because I felt it would be improper to not do so, and other times my help was requested, to which I felt it would be rude to say no.

I got lost in a vortex of catering to others and neglecting myself. So lost that I realized I wasn’t feeling as good about helping as I used to. It felt like a duty I had to fulfill. But it isn’t a duty. And it didn’t have to be this way.

A couple of years ago, I came across an article written by someone whose life was changed for the better when they added a simple, monosyllabic word to their life: “no”.

At first, reading the article, I found the author slightly selfish. Why would you work on saying no to people more? What good could that do? As I read onwards, I realized the author was very similar to me. We both suffered because we always felt as if we had to say yes to everything. It wasn’t until reading how exhausted and frustrated the author was that I truly realized how detrimental avoiding the word “no” had been to me.

So, I vowed to myself to start saying no more often. Not just because of course; but in situations where it is needed.

Slowly, I started saying no to things that could hinder my personal progress or get in the way of my priorities. I was asked to stay later for work one day and I immediately froze. I knew that I had tons of things waiting for me at home and my mom was expecting me to be home by a certain time. I was tempted to say yes because I felt bad saying no until I realized I can’t live my life based on how I feel others would perceive me. I apologized and explained that I wouldn't be able to do so. To my surprise, my boss understood and said that he could get someone else to stay instead. It felt amazing and empowering knowing that I was no longer a slave to the word “yes”.

I still said yes when I could and regained the gratifying feeling of helping people. But, I also loved the feeling of standing up for myself and being secure enough to occasionally say no. By declining things I couldn’t fit into my schedule, I learned to value my time and priorities more. I learned to respect myself a lot more and gained respect from other people who felt inspired by my new empowerment and values. I had someone tell me that they wish they could learn to value and prioritize themselves the way I did. They told me they often felt like a doormat; taken advantage of and a puppet to helping others. Knowing that I used to feel like this a few years ago made me sympathize with her and I introduced her to the magic of the word “no”.

Now, I am back to truly loving helping others and I love doing things for other people just like always. However, the difference is that now it is because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.