The Pain of Leaving a Narcissist is Horrific and Temporary.

At first it is catastrophic, out of focus, indecisive, zombie-like, verge of tears or crying. Fragile, skittish anxiety meets lethargic lack luster existence, hyper vigilant paranoia and self doubt, constant bombardment of self defeating thoughts, inability to experience enjoyment, shaking in terror. Obsessively rehashing past conversations seeking understanding, bottomless grief. This is what we experience in the wake of narcissistic abuse. It eventually leaves our lives if we give ourselves adequate space and time to heal. In order to heal we need to dive right into the pain. We cannot get through it without first getting into it.

The pain is torture. It is temporary. At times it feels as though we will never do another thing, be another way aside from a person drowning in misery. It seems to be so full, so strong and heavy that it threatens to linger, strangle, choke our very being and never stop. But it does stop. Not only does it stop, it ends completely.

In the midst of the pain, soon after ending a relationship with a narcissist, after finishing the last conversation, going no contact, sometimes after a discard, usually without a predictable or normal closure situation or adult style ending, in the beginning of the end, it feels terminal. That is the trauma bonding. It's tricky. It will do anything to get us back with the devil who thrust us unexpectedly into the hellish gloom to begin with. Trauma bonding is real but like any other addiction it can and will be defeated, if we are aware of it, identify it as a problem, educate ourselves on the physiological components and accept it. Identification is always the first step to making a change. No judgement. You are trauma bonded. That's fine. It's not a permanent state. It is time limited and you control when it ends by controlling yourself.

Due to the nature of the endings with narcissists, there is no closure. Nothing is normal or healthy. In a normal relationship there is the process, the talking, the exchanging, respecting, loving and tender care and decency in the ending. That's how a normal person functions. Narcs do not ever behave normally and their endings are just more examples, more demarcations demonstrating they have nothing on the inside. No normal person exits a relationship the way they do, seeming to believe they can saunter in and out, that you will be there still, are are willing to participate in their abuse.

Normal relationships end with predictability, sadness, closure and sincere goodbyes. Narcissists have no understanding of human connectedness and give themselves away in their knee jerk discards, abrupt departures and lack of closure or any concern at all. They see nothing wrong with ending a long term relationship on impulse and without any normal process or adult style of reflection, thought, process and emotion. Narcs give themselves away when they tell us how their past relationships ended spontaneously, impulsively, or not at all...We should never doubt ourselves as narcs always tell us that they are narcs and it is our choice to be wise and selective in the future. They give us the gift of operating on a primitive level and they all do the same things. Once you go no contact you can reflect and identify the simple narc things they did as part of your process in healing, breaking the trauma bond and educating yourself in order to ensure you don't fall for another narc. It's easier than you think. They are not complicated, and due to missing integral brain function, are easy to spot.

Once you experience all this, process it, have no contact with a character disturbed person for months, you begin to recover from the emotional and physical strain they caused your mind and body with their bizarre lack of connectedness, menacing anger and desire to control and lack of simple, normal adult responses to other people. As each day passes and you are no longer subjected to the hardship these characters present to our soul, we begin to rebuild, to heal, to become hole and even stronger as our own strength propels us to flourish and to fill our own gaps as we thrive once again, this time on our own, without the destructive and co dependent narcissistic on our arm splintering away at our very existence. Healing requires being alone, becoming self reliant, self critical, aware and loving. Narcissists overlap relationships and avoid being alone. They have no desire to learn, grow or reflect on a relationship as people are used as objects to propel their mask of sanity and persona. Real people, with all the working and functioning parts of the brain in tact and desire to thrive with other human beings, do not fear losing another person to the extent that a narcissist does.

The pain in the beginning, after the abrupt or bizarre, unusual and lacking in human empathy lying, manipulating, blaming, infidelities, smear campaigns, silent treatments, all of it creates tremendous pain. But once you face the pain, stand up to it, walk right into it and let it wash over you, ALONE, with no contact with the narcissist, you begin to become desensitized to it. Each day it is less. One day you start over with a new person. A real person. One who is honest, truthful, respectful and shows over time that they care about you for the person that you are, admire your unique qualities, your gifts, your outlook, perspective, your honesty and authenticity. You feel complete when you are with this person and never have to walk on eggshells, second guess love bombs or complicated stories, thinly veiled lies, and you learn to accept, trust and believe in a person who is integrated, whole and genuinely shows you who they are and who is exactly as they present themselves.

In time, you forget. Trauma bonding does not last forever. When you allow yourself to walk right into the pain, face it, feel it and accept it, you are able to release it. Getting back into contact with your former narcissistic partner only perpetuates the pain and delays the healing process. In order to heal you must first accept that you loved someone who could not love you, did not love you and will not love you. That is difficult and sad but it is the very first step in the road to peace, comfort, self belief, health and recovery. The divine and beautiful moments and people are waiting for you on the other side of your pain.

Go ahead, dive into it. Let it wash over you and slide right off your body like water off a ducks back. The sooner you dive in, allowing the waves of pain to pound and slap you cooly and tumultuously, the sooner you emerge from the sea of pain, dry, stable, even and calm. The weathered wisdom of breaking the trauma bond cold turkey, by going no contact, makes for a rebirth of a person, a new beginning, refined brilliance shines majestically where there were once wounds. Do not fear the pain, embrace it. Know that from it, a more complete version of yourself emerges ready to do anything and most importantly, ready to love for real.