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The Outcast Among Them

The Story of My Life: Growing Up Different

By Haley C.Published 3 years ago 10 min read
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The Outcast Among Them
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

I never have felt like I quite fit in anywhere - I've struggled with mental illness since I can remember. I did not start out with the knowledge that I have had a mental illness, but I have always felt like there was something not quite right with me. When I was a child I had random fits that made me hit myself - it always seemed like I was throwing tantrums. It wasn't until later in life that I had found out about the mental health issues that were plaguing me.

By Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash

I remember once in kindergarten - a friend of mine asked me to go to her birthday party - and something strange had been triggered in my brain, like an electric shock of emotion, I blacked out, and I just bit her. I will never understand what caused me to bite her, and I still remember it to this day. I certainly felt ashamed and I can still recall the intense emotions that had been in my head as well as the confusion I felt after biting her - I mean, who does that?

By Taariq Hendricks on Unsplash

I ended up on a lot of time outs, and nap time added to those time outs - I could not sleep, because of the energy I had from not being allowed to play. It was never a thought to the school nor my family that I may not be unruly, but I could have problems with my mental health. This time of events in my life was in the late 1990's and early 2000's - I'm not entirely sure how the mental health systems worked back in those days. For a long time, I thought I was just a bad kid - I had trouble controlling my behavior, but I never wanted to be that way. Deep down in my uncontrolled mind, I wanted to be a better kid, I never liked being bad - it was never the real me. I ended up feeling depressed early in life, and felt like being alive was already too much. I remember my first end of life thought, and I was very young - I was only 4 or 5 years old. I will never forget the feelings that were boiling inside my mind - it is hard to be a child with an undiagnosed illness that makes you seem unruly.

By Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

I have had an ADHD and PTSD diagnosis slapped on since I was in kindergarten, but I had not been diagnosed until I was 21 years old. I had an issue with being misdiagnosed for a substantial amount of time throughout my teens, but issues with PTSD and ADHD lead to unruly behaviors in my adolescents. For a very long time I dealt with random outbursts of laughter in grade school - I'm not entirely sure what part of my mental illnesses had contributed to that sort of behavior, but it was painfully embarrassing. I remember the teachers telling me to stop misbehaving or I would end up missing out on recess. I never wanted to laugh like that, in fact, I would cry when I would laugh in that strange way - it was embarrassing and it made my head hurt. All of the kids in my elementary classes would make fun of me for it - I had been hit with the "R" word multiple times. I really never understood my uncontrollable laughter that lead to so much pain. I wasn't always punished for the behaviors, because - one of my teachers in elementary school had realized that I may have been dealing with issues that were not being taken care of.

By Element5 Digital on Unsplash

I had a great third grade teacher - she took time out of her schedule to help me learn. She knew that I was never acting out on purpose - so she ended up helping me learn on her lunch breaks. I had not been doing well in school - the undiagnosed ADHD was interrupting my ability to focus and complete my homework - this contributed to my "bad" behavior. I am not saying that my behavior was in any way acceptable, but if I had received the proper treatment sooner, this behavior may have not been a problem at all. When dealing with ADHD as a female child, it seems to be seen as a character flaw by everyone around you, and punishment is the only answer in the eyes of many. I have a strong opinion on the need to let children with ADHD play on the playground - especially when they are exhibiting the behaviors I was. My issues with ADHD also lead to problems with friendships.

By Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

I've always felt like an outcast growing up - it seems mental illness is great at making a person feel this way. During my teen years I started to become more, and more depressed, and I fell into a period of nightmare induced insomnia. I would have nightmares every night - they all felt so real - and for a week or more, I didn't sleep from the fear of the nightmares I was having. I was 13 when I had my first noticeable mental break - I started to hallucinate from the sleep deprivation. This moment will be in my mind forever, the strangest creature ran from under my bed into my closet, and I saw and heard it scamper across my bedroom floor. I screamed loud enough for my grandma to come rushing into my room - she was concerned from the fear in my voice. I told my grandma about the colorful lizard/ rodent that ran from under my bed into my closet - she told me that she could not find the weird creature, but I could swear it was real. My grandmother has always been so patient with me - I am lucky I have had her raise me.

By Patrick Hendry on Unsplash

My grandmother ended up taking me to see a psychiatrist for the first time - I ended up being misdiagnosed. The psychiatrist put me on an antipsychotic that I had problems with - from the side effects. The problem with the event of hallucinations happening because of nightmare induced insomnia - was a result of my PTSD. PTSD is not usually treated with antipsychotics, but at the time, this psychiatrist believed I had what is called "Schizoaffective Disorder." I have had issues from my past that gave me PTSD early on in my life, that I will not be disclosing in this story because it is too much sensitive information, but PTSD can cause terrible nightmares. This incorrect diagnosis led me to be treated with the incorrect medications, which did not end up helping me.

By Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

By the time I was 19 I had been admitted into hospitals for my mental health 15 times. I learned the information about hospitalization occurrences from the hospital papers that I had to show Social Security - I wanted to go into the world like every teen should after graduating high school, but I was stuck. I have been on disability ever since that day - and the shame of not being able to work is real. Everyday I wake up feeling like an outcast because I can't seem to get my foot in the door, I just want to have the energy to work, so I can live like a normal adult. I am entirely ashamed of myself - no matter how many times I am told it is not my fault. It is hard to go through the notion of each day feeling lazy and worthless because society shows us the norm is to have a career and then retire.

By Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

I deal with the pain every day of being mentally ill - and am told by some that it is all in my head - I know it is all in my head, it is a "mental" illness. Just because some thing is all in a mentally ill person's head does not make it any different from the visible scars from some physical illnesses. I would do anything to, " just get over it" or "not think about it," but the problem is - is that I can't. I have been dealing with other issues that are physically painful on top of the mental pain - these issues lead to a terrible cycle of doubt and anxiety. I hate feeling like an outcast in society - I am embarrassed to be writing this personal story - because it shows my personal struggle with my mental illness. These illnesses make multiple people feel like outcasts. I have become conflicted with guilt for receiving anything from the government, but work is hard to come by when you are disabled, and it is even harder to work when you try, because then you feel like you are slowing everyone down, and it feels as if you just aren't good enough for the work place. The amount received from social security is not enough to live on, but what do I expect, I'm not important.

By Aaron Burden on Unsplash

I love my country, and I am an American, but I personally know people without homes who are disabled. They have no place to rest their heads at night, I'm lucky I have family, but our disabled citizens have been left to rot. "I'm not important," is the statement I made in the paragraph above this, because that is how people on disability feel. We are given a handout, and we should be grateful our country cares - right? I live in mental and physical pain everyday - it becomes so unbearable that any event can be too much - this makes a person feel useless, and the disabled have to deal with their disabilities and the stress of not knowing if they will make ends meet on top of it. The way people with disabilities are treated - seems to be in the dark for the rest of the population - because we are struggling, and it's not our fault. I wake up every morning already knowing my fate - I am trying to change it though by going to college. I'm late to the game, but I want to feel like I am worth living. People who are disabled want a purpose, we just need the right boost, we don't want to feel lazy or "not important." I believe there is something for everyone in this world, even when it feels like there is only room for one kind of mind. I have been pushing myself to achieve a better life, because, I don't want to feel guilty, I want to be useful, and I want to feel like I am doing something right for once in my life.

By Element5 Digital on Unsplash

I am just at the beginning of my new found journey, because I want to feel like I belong in this crazy world I was born into. I didn't choose these problems, but I can choose how I handle them. I believe there is something out there for everyone, disabled or not. We all have problems, and I get that, but take a walk in the person who is disabled, shoes for a moment - it may sound like a luxury being disabled, but that is far from the truth. Everyday is a struggle, but holding onto a goal and a dream is the step to accomplishing "normal" tasks. The pain is real whether it is seen on the surface or not.

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About the Creator

Haley C.

Hello I'm Haley, I am a current college student. I plan to major in psychology and minor in music. I want to help people by becoming a music therapist. Hopefully I can utilize this platform to create helpful stories, and articles.

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