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The N Word

"You're Such a Narcissist!"

By Leah EllaPublished 2 years ago 12 min read
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The N Word
Photo by Felicia Buitenwerf on Unsplash

God no, not that one! This one, Narcissism. It's the second most commonly used word in our society today, covid being the first... Truth be told, I'm sick of the word because depending on who's talking about it, you can get lost in the sauce! I'm going to start by saying that it is easy to call someone a name or diagnose someone especially when you believe that you are a victim of their behavior. The sad truth, however, is that at one point or another, we have been the person inflicting the injustice or invalidation and making another person feel like they are just not that important... It's called being Human, or maybe a spiritual person will say, not healing from traumas. We experience such a wide range of emotions throughout our lives (many new to us) as we deal with depression, anger, resentment, abandonment... the list goes on and on... That what you need, is to catch your breath and try to understand what is happening to you. If you can't understand yourself, what led you down that road, why you are where you are, reacting and responding the way you are, what boundaries you overlooked, never had or didn't know that you needed... (that's a mouthful I know) If you are currently "processing" your emotions internally and therefore lacking in the capacity to make time for someone else's problems, or issues, this does not make you a narcissist. So, let's get into it...

All The Definitions of Narcissism

The Malignant Narcissist, the Overt Narcissist, the Covert Narcissist, the Vulnerable Narcissist, the Narcissist who is also a Sociopath or Psychopath... The Narcissistic Personality Disorder which I believe is the one we should adhere to since it's established by the DSM. Doctors should be the only ones calling out the Narcissists amongst us. I've also heard that many narcissists don't believe that anything is really wrong with them, so they don't go to therapists, and because it's mental, it's not like experiencing physical pain and going to the Doctor when it becomes excruciating. It's a personality disorder and it shows up on a person-by-person basis. Which basically means that you probably won't be aware of a person with NPD until you become intimately aware and once you are aware of them, you need to do what you need to do to not be overcome by the person with NPD. For the sake of this article, I will be addressing the more commonly known characteristics we may encounter, or initiate, when it comes to narcissism.

My Interpretation of a Narcissist

I recently heard a definition from someone who identifies as a highly intuitive Empath, that narcissists are suffering from the disconnection of experiencing other people and their needs. I beg to question whether the narcissist (or perceived narc.) is aware of their own experience or needs? Would you ask a child or toddler to wipe your ass? No, why would you? The child doesn't yet have a relationship with their own ass or the need to keep it clean, let alone yours (and that would just be creepy) Now suppose this child never learns how to wipe their own ass and goes out into the world, wondering why no one wants to be in close vicinity of them... Just ponder that thought for a moment. They don't even smell themselves, then one day a person takes an interest in them. First time anyone has gotten close enough to speak to them about their experience of them. How do you think that conversation is going to go? There you have it, both my interpretation of the narcissist lacking self-awareness and the role of the people in the lives of said narcissist, trying to teach them how to relate to not just other people but how to relate to themselves through the eyes of other people. In other words, I do believe that a person with narcissistic characteristics, is a person who has not learned another way of existing through this world. A person who has not been readjusted at any time of their lives, but more so at crucial times where they ought to have learned social skills, now has a blind spot that can be discerned by others but not by the narcissist. This is why when you engage with this person, you discover very quickly that their interpretation of the world is much different than yours. Often times, the world owes them something, somehow, without them needing to do a single thing to get it. That's the disconnection between reality and their unique experience of it. What happens next is overcompensation to say the least.

Believe The Lie

Have you seen Inventing Anna? It's loosely based on the socialite, Anna Delvey's story where she claimed to be a German heiress and almost got $40,000,000 to invest into a business, which was more like her fantasy. I have a lot of thoughts about the adaptation on Netflix, most of it being, people will believe what you show them, or, rather, who you show them that you are. If your reputation exceeds you, that's all you supposedly need to get rich and famous in the great USA. The girl had a dream and didn't know how to actually make it come to fruition, so she faked it till she made it, better than anyone you know of... How a foreigner would know how to penetrate American high snob society the way she did, at the age of twenty-five baffles me but hey, the youth are the future, right? Ingenuity and guts can get you further than you think... Apparently, but first you must believe your own lies.

I knew someone who believed their own lies when I was a pre-teen. She told the school that my mother was her mother so each time she was in trouble, I thought it was me, my mother thought it was also me and her parents were never called by the school. She had a vivid imagination, and she did anything within her reach to protect herself, which meant, lying. Did anyone ever wonder why she went to such great lengths to protect herself? Did anyone wonder if this young girl was being abused and that could be the reason why she was always getting into trouble, running away from home or looking for attention? I guess that what I'm trying to say is that yes, I do believe that narcissists are in fact suffering from a disconnection but not just to others needs or experiences but to their own. In some instances, it's a cry for help, while in others it's a "let me see how far this lie can take me before I have to uncover the truth," mentality. A lie becomes bigger and not necessarily easier but like a fire, once it starts it's hard to contain the damage left behind. What we don't hear of often enough is how said narc's deal with the repercussions that inevitably come their way... How do they save face when the shit hits the fan?

Let's switch the scenario a bit... What usually happens is that we form attachments to individuals who aren't able to reciprocate the amount of attention we give to them, whether it's in the way we make time to communicate with them, buy them gifts, consume our attention and resources, put them on a pedestal... When they can't return the favor so to speak, that's when we have a problem with said individual not being, let's face it, like us. We essentially want to date ourselves, now, wouldn't you call that narcissistic? Why need that amount of attention in the first place? It's usually a void, or a deep wound, that needs to be healed but has not yet been identified. In fact, it's a labor of love to experience someone with radical acceptance of their differences and your attraction to them for being authentically them. Most of the times, we need to be our authentic selves first in order to be accepting of others and the sad truth is that we are so disconnected from our needs that we "fake it till we make it." We perceive love and getting love to be a show or performance while being completely unawares to the reality of it. Where's the lie?

How About You Change?

We want to change our friends, family members, significant others, bosses, to suit our needs and when they don't conform, we call them the narcissist. "You're such a Narcissist! Why can't you pour into me the way that I pour into you? Why can't you make me feel happy? I feel so happy completely loosing myself in you... I'm so in love with you!" It reads more like, "why can't they be like me? I'm too good for them." Do you see what I'm getting at here? They can't all be narcissistic. You might just be codependent and maybe too self-absorbed to notice the person for who they actually are. Give them a chance to show you who they are before you force your "love" onto them. Yes, narcissists can be codependent, that's where the covert and vulnerable narcissists come out to play. The ones who just automatically expect you to love and adore them because they love and adore them. Love is a two-way street and if you're always wanting and needing and never being satisfied, the issue lies with you, not with the people you let through the revolving door, that's became your dating life, hoping to be rescued by the next "perfect stranger." Huge thanks to LA (Los Angeles) for helping me to come to this realization.

Remember, no matter how it reads, the fundamental disability of the narcissist is the inability to relate to their own needs, while simultaneously making the meeting of them their top priority. There is no space to consider your needs, so why expect them to? I personally believe that you should generally accept that most women in their twenties are going to behave this way and most men in their early thirties will also resemble babies who haven't learned emotional intelligence. Nothing is ever their fault, and you (sometimes the Universe) are always to blame for their unhappiness or dissatisfaction. I'm not an expert, I can only go by what I've experienced throughout my entire life. Don't get attached to a person with narcissistic characteristics, your whole life will change, you will get accustomed to shallow relationships, and mistrustful of genuine people. It will become harder to harder to live in your truth and your grasp on reality will shift from time to time. It's like an energy vortex that sucks everything in allowing no space for clarity, mental fogginess. In other words, it's a mind duck but beginning with an F.

"You Hurt Me"

What we're generally seeing in society that others are quick to name NPD are actually insecurities, pride or egotism. Now, I've known a few people with very fragile egos... More than a few people... Of course, I should give said people the benefit of the doubt, but I don't understand what makes them so reactive in the first place. Is it a fear of being misunderstood? It can't be that. I've felt that before and other than feeling offended, I'm quick to explain myself, or get on the same page. If a person who has a very fragile ego receives a perceived "judgment" they instantaneously go into a frenzy. "You don't know me!" I never claimed to, in fact, what I'm hinting at or, outright asking is a question that will allow me to get to know you... Their natural defense mechanism is to be on the defensive. If I make an assumption that's incorrect, by all means correct me if I'm wrong and if I'm right, own up to it. Here is where you will experience the deflection and the blame and the recollection of everything you've ever said or done that "hurt me." Here is where I usually conclude that it doesn't help to be rational with an irrational person but what do I know? I once had a person tell me that they don't like when I ask the question, "why?" They don't like to be questioned. In my opinion, the revealing or uncovering of the truth is what is feared most by a narcissist. "The truth might be too painful to bear," another thought by the Empath, David Sauvage.

I've had my share of vulnerable narcissism in my life. Sometimes the person is relentlessly critical of everyone else's lives, especially those whom they're close to. Again, we see the presentation of never being satisfied. There's a need that has not been met. To those who can relate, I understand that no one taught you how to wipe your own ass and now it's everyone else's fault that you stink. My hope is truly that one day, you smell your own shit and learn how to wipe your ass and once you become familiar with that smell, you offer to wipe another person's ass. Yes, I do believe that persons with narcissistic characteristics can change but the change won't necessarily be what you expect and definitely won't be on your watch. Why would it be? Because you're well intentioned? Ha! Don't think that highly of yourself. Last but not least, protect yourself. I live in Los Angeles, we stay away from the people who smell like shit, they're everywhere!

And Now a Word from the Author

My intention of this article at first was to vent but as I started writing it, humor kept coming up for me. My intention was not to completely make light of the situation, as I mentioned from the start, I would address the most commonly known accusations or, accounts of narcissistic behavior so prevalent in our culture today. I also wanted to speak to the humanity of a person who is unable to connect with others, needing to first be in touch with their own needs. Last but definitely not least, I intended to paint a picture where we are able to see ourselves and notice any present or past traits of narcissism, be more forgiving and accepting that no two people are alike. With some added understanding of another person's story, we'll be able to destigmatize narcissism and focus on healing. We all matter because we're all human, no matter the vast differences, there is always another way to see ourselves (and each other) in this world. Be accepting and be authentic in everything that you do, that's my word!

humanity
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About the Creator

Leah Ella

Caribbean-American(she/her)+Actor+Life Coach student.

Welcome! Get to know me here:

Peer Support Facilitator- https://sharewellnow.com/profile/Elle111

Hear my words, Authenticity Podcast- https://anchor.fm/leah-armour2

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