The Long Story

About three years ago, I was in a dark place. I had no way out, even if I wanted one. I thought this is how my life is going to be until I die. So I will start from the beginning when this whole journey began. It was the darkest years of my life. I will never forget them for as long as I live.

Before I moved to Florida, I lived with my mother in Ohio. We got along well most of the time, but it always felt as if she chose her boyfriends over her kids all the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom very much. It just took me longer to see that my love for my mother would never go away.

The day before, I messed everything up with my mother, I was at home after school, and I had a few friends over. We were smoking weed in my dining room. My mother was not home at the time, and neither was the guy she was dating. My friends and I didn't think anything of my mother walking through the door.

But at that point, it was not my mother who walked through the door. It was her boyfriend. My friends and I continued doing what we were doing. We were not paying any attention to the both of them. Every time my mother comes home, she and her boyfriend would always head right to her room.

I never knew much about drugs at that time. The only drugs I did was smoke a little weed here and there. My mother never had a problem with me smoking in the house ever. She allowed me to do almost whatever I wanted to do. She was the most relaxed mom anyone could ever have. So I thought at that time.

So my friends and I keep doing what we were doing. The phone rang, and my mother's boyfriend answered it and told whoever was on the other end that I was not home, and he hung the phone up. I jumped from my seat and asked who was on the phone? Why did you lie and say I was not home? My mother's boyfriend would not answer me.

Everything started getting out of hand at that point. My mother's boyfriend and I were beginning to yelling back and forth. I finally started to ignore him and talk to my friends, But he just kept yelling at me. He called me a bitch. I was a teenager at that time. So I always thought I knew everything. I turned around, looked him right in his eyes, and said," I'll show you a bitch". At that point, all my friends started to scatter from the dining room area.

The one guy friend I had, was the one who brought him bong over to smoke out of. Just as he made it to the top of the steps going down to the front door. My mother's boyfriend started to go after him, I jumped in the middle of it, I was able to give my friend time to get out of my house. I then walked back to the phone and tried to call my boyfriend at the time.

My mother's boyfriend started to follow me and keep running his mouth at me. I turned around to face him and defend myself. He threw me over the side of the couch and punched me in my leg. I drew my legs back and kicked him across the room. I went to my mom to tell her what had just happened, and she asked what did I do to make him do something like that? I dropped it and waited to go to school the next day.

So that next day, I made my way to school. I spoke to my best friend about what had happened, asked her what I should do? She told me to go to the office and tell someone. So that is what I did. At that time, I was hoping it would open my mother's eyes, and she would leave him. But she did not do anything.

I get home from school that day, the cops were at my house waiting for me to walk through the door. My mother sat down at the kitchen table and asked me to join them. She continued to tell me that all they wanted to do is talk to me. I sat there the whole time just listening to my mother lie to the cops and putting the blame all on me.

My mother then went on to tell the cops that I have been smoking weed, and she never allowed me to do that in her house. I was so surprised to hear my mother stick up for her boyfriend and not her own child. It broke my heart. She then pulled out the bowl my stepdad gave me before he passed away and handed it to the police. I broke down crying, not just because she gave my bowl away to the cops but because it was the only thing I had left to remember him by.

I looked at the police and said, so I get punched by her boyfriend, and I'm the one in trouble. I started yelling, this is all bullshit. You cops are nothing but corrupt, and you're going to believe this crackhead over a kid. I stormed off to my room. The police finally left, and I walked down to the kitchen to get something to eat.

My mother was making food in the kitchen; she tried to talk to me, and I just ignored her. As I went to walk away, I turned around and said I'm calling my dad, and I am moving down to Florida with him, and there is nothing you can do about it. I told her never to speak to me again.

The next day I stayed in my room the whole day. I didn't even want to look at her face. I was so mad at my mother for taking her boyfriend's side and not her own blood, someone she gave birth to. She looked heartbroken when I told my mother I wanted to move away from her, and I didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I told my mother that she was no longer my mom, and I never wanted to speak to her again.

It took my father two to three days to get to Ohio. I had already had what I was taking to Florida with me packed and ready to jump in the car and leave. Soon my dad pulled into my driveway, and I went outside and started packing my things in the car. I walked back into the house to grab my last bag, and my mother tried to stop me and hug me and tell me goodbye, but I just walked past her without saying anything to her. I didn't even say goodbye to her or I will miss you.

As soon as I got into the car and we were pulling away, I started to cry. I knew at that moment that I was not going to see my mother again for a long time. That I was not even going to talk to her. That's how mad I was at her for doing what she did to me. I knew I would miss her, and I knew as soon as we were on the road headed to Florida that I was going to regret not hugging my mom and telling her goodbye. That's all I could think about the whole way to Florida.

*****

I ended up living in Florida for 3 years before I met this guy. His name was Charlie, and my dad didn't like him at all. And my dad did not like him at all, which made me want to be with Charlie even more. It was like the more my dad told me I couldn't be around him, the more I wanted to be with him. I honestly did not like him too much.

Charlie had a good soul, and he knew how to make everyone laugh. He was a funny guy. The more time I spent with him, the more I started to like him. There was a day that I had gone home to my dad's house, and as soon as I walked in the door, my dad told me that I was no longer to see Charlie, and if I continued to go to his house, my dad was going to ground me.

But that could never stop me. I was a lousy teenager growing up. I was 18 years old when I told my father that I would move out and go live with Charlie at his granny's house. My father was not happy at all when I told him that. He said to me if that was what I wanted to do, I could not move back into his house.

When I moved in with Charlie, I started to be introduced to new drugs. Almost eight people were living in that two-bedroom house at that time. Charlie's cousin Gavin and his baby mom lived there at that time, and she was always taking pills. I walked into the bedroom where Gavin's baby mom and Charlie's dad were crushing up pills to snort up their nose. She had asked me if I wanted any.? I answered with a yes, but just a little bit.

Close to the end of 2006, I found out I was pregnant. And I stopped doing all drugs. This was the first time I was able to carry a baby full term. I was so excited, and I wanted to keep it between Charlie and me. I had too many miscarriages before I was even three months pregnant.

So with me being pregnant, I stopped using all drugs. At that time, I was only smoking weed and would snort a line of pills here and there. I was not bad at this point, YET! It took me a long time to get really bad into drugs. I think becoming pregnant was a good thing for me.

After nine months of being pregnant, I was ready to get the baby out of me. I tried everything to try to make my water break and go into labor. Nothing worked! With this being my first baby, I was not sure what to expect. I watched a lot of people have babies on t.v. and it seems like it was going to be a big mess and a whole lot of pain. I hate pain.

Charlie and I were living together at his granny's house. We had our own room, and we had to fit all our stuff and the baby's stuff in one small room. It was so cramped we could hardly move around in there. Granny made sure we had our own space now that I was pregnant. She would always spoil me, Granny loved me!

Before I went into labor, I made sure Charlie and I made a deal. That after I had the baby that we would move back to Ohio. But he never agreed with that, because he never wanted to leave granny. Granny was not doing so good in her old age. She was starting to lose her mind and not know who anyone was or even where she was. It was so sad. Charlie's deal was that we could move to Ohio after granny passed away. I agreed with him.

I went into labor on march fourth first thing in the morning. It felt like I was peeing myself but in spurts of gushing on and off. It was the nastiest thing I ever went through. I called my dad to pick us up and take us to the hospital. My dad took his time getting to me. I was ready for this whole thing to be over. By the time my dad made it to granny's house to pick us up, my contractions were 5min apart.

We finely made it to the hospital. I was yelling so loud the nurse told me to be quiet. I told her its hard to quiet with all this pain I was in. It felt as if I was in the hospital for days. My son did not want to be born. The doctor came into my room and told me that I had to relax so my body could start dilating or I would have to be sent to an emergency C-section.

I was able to relax enough so my body would start dilating. Then the anesthesiologist came into my room and asked if I was ready for my epidural? I was like, hell yes I am. He had me sit at the edge of my bed and put my arms around my dad, but to just let them hang over his shoulders.

When he stuck that long ass needle in the top of my back, he told me not to move at all. When he was done, he asked if I could feel my legs? I told him no, I can't feel anything from my waist down. He said, okay, then it's working then. Try not to move your back too much, or you might paralyze yourself. The nurse comes around the bed, picked my legs up, and swung me around back onto my bed.

I couldn't feel anything at all; it was the best feeling ever. I loved every minute of it. Finally, after all of that, it was time for the baby to come. The nurse kept telling me, don't push, yet the doctor is almost here. I yelled at the nurse, "well, tell the damn doctor to hurry up this baby is not waiting for anyone."

As soon as the doctor was in the room, he gives me a minute then start pushing. I asked him, "can you numb my flower up" so I don't rip. He said, if I have to, I will, but I don't want to give you too many drugs at this point because whatever I give you goes into the abays system also. Then he told me to push. I pushed three times, and my baby was ultimately out of me. As soon as the baby's feet exited my body, the first thing out of my mouth was," O', my God, that felt so good ." Everyone that was in the room with me laughed at me for saying that.

The doctor sent me home with Percocet 5mlg. This was the very beginning of the new life I was about to lead. When I was sent home, the first thing I did was go and ask Gavin's girlfriend and Charlie's dad if they wanted to go crush a pill up, and I would share it with them. They both said yes and headed into the room.

It was a month after my son was born, and Charlie and I moved back in with my dad. At this time, they lived across town in a better area. My son was three months old, and my grandmother that lived in Ohio, was in the hospital, not doing good at all. So my stepmom, dad, little brother and sister, me, and my baby took a trip to Ohio. We made it there just before she passed away.

My grandmother was not able nor allowed to meet my son. Not while she was in ICU in the hospital. We were all able to see grandma a couple of days before she passed away. I was happy that I could see my grandmother before she passed, but I was upset that they would not let me bring my son back there to see her or so that she could meet him before she passed away.

After my grandmother passed away, my dad decided to stay in Ohio for a while before going back to Florida. But we stayed in Ohio for a little over a month. I stayed at my mom's house, and my dad stayed with my stepmother's family. My son turned 5 months old while we were in Ohio.

While staying with my mother, I noticed she had lost a lot of weight. So I asked her what she did to lose all that weight? she told me it was from how she cooked her roman noodles. She said that she stopped cooking them all the way and only cooking them halfway, and that was how she lost all her weight. At first, I believed her. One day, until she came downstairs and had a black ring on her lips, I asked her how she got a black circle on her lips? She told me that she lit a cigarette for her boyfriend. She said it must be from the ashes that were on the but of the cigarette. I was like, okay. But I knew better because I lived in a house full of crack heads.

I told my mother that I knew better than that. Mom, I believe that the black circle on your lips is from a crack pip. I tried pleading with her to just tell me the truth. I started talking to her like a parent would speak to their kids about drugs. I tied telling you never know what you're getting in that shit. And that she could die from doing the hard drugs. Then I started to cry and told her I did not want my son around that shit. that if she was going to do that shit to not do it while my son and I were at this house. Of course, she didn't listen to me.

We stayed at my mother's house until my dad was ready to head back to Florida. While I was in Ohio, all I would have to say to mom was my back hurt, and she would give me a couple of her pain pills. But what she didn't know was I was talking about the pain pills she gave me and going to the bathroom to crush them and snort them. I keep that part hidden from my family for a long time. I could not see the wrong I was doing at the point.

I got a phone call from Charlie while I was in Ohio. He called me to tell me that my brother broke into my room and stole all my son's brand new baby stuff and went and sold it for crack cocaine. I was so mad, and I could not wait at that point to get back to Florida so I could mess him up for stealing my child's stuff for his own benefit.

A month later, my dad called me and told me to get everything packed that he would be to pick me up to head back home to Florida. I was so happy to hear the words at that point. A few days later, he showed up at my mom's house to get me. It took 3 days to get back to Florida. When we finally got into Florida and pulled into our driveway. I unpacked everything and went to see the damage that my brother did to my room. It was not good at all.

I was only in Florida for a couple months, and Charlie's granny passed away. It was around 8o'clock in the morning, and we got a phone call from Charlie's aunt. She called to tell us that granny had passed away sometime in the morning. If we wanted to see her before the police take her, we should get over there as fast as possible. We did not have a car at that point, so we loaded up the stroller and the baby and started walking to the other side of town to granny's house. We made it just in time.

We were there before the police showed up to take granny to the more. It was a sad day. But we sat on the porch and smoked a blunt after the law left. Charlie's dad and Gavin's baby mom was in the bedroom crushing up a pill and invited me to have some. So I followed them. At that point, I was addicted to any kind of pill I could get.

We did not move back to Ohio right away. We waited a few months before heading back to Ohio. My aunt Lil helped us get back to Ohio. She sent my cousin down to Florida to pick us up along with all of our stuff. My cousin showed up really late at night. So we all stayed the night at the house and left first thing that morning, back to Ohio.

I could not wait to get to my mom's house. She waited up all night for us. My cousin and her boyfriend drove straight through, and we made it to Ohio in 2 days, not 3 days. By the time we got to my mom's house, it was so dark, and we all were tired, But we had to get everything off the truck and into my mother's basement. That was not fun at all. By the time we were done, we had sat up for like 10 min to visit my mom before we all went to bed.

I knew being at my mom's, I would get any kind of pain pill I wanted from her. It was like after I come back home to her, she felt as if she had to give me whatever I wanted. It was almost like she felt terrible for believing her boyfriend over me. All those years ago. I think I took advantage of her. I figured if she was going to offer it, I was going to take it. I look back now and think maybe I should have said no, and everything would have been different for me.

Now Charlie and I are living in Ohio at my mom's house. It was crowded. My little brother still lived there, and my mom's boyfriend was living there with her too. Charlie, me, and Dominick sleep in the living room for months. Everything I owned was in the basement. You could hardly get through the basement with everything I owned. to be honest, I can barely remember everything that happens back then. I know my mother, and I didn't get along all the time. After a while, Charlie and I started putting in applications for our own place to live.

I believe it was a year we lived at my mom's house. And we finally got a letter, it was from "warren heights." I know when I opened that letter I was so happy. We would finally be moving out into our own place. We moved into the heights and lived there for a couple years. I got pregnant again, this time with my little girl. So I got what I wanted in life, my little boy first and my little girl second. I'm going to jump forward a little to the point where everything went wrong.

Charlie and I were married while we lived together. But about 3 years into the marriage, we got a divorce, and I moved back into my mom's house once again. While living with my mom, I would take my kids and visit my friends this time. So I was not there that often. My mom's boyfriend at the time talked my mom into kicking my kids and me out. We had nowhere to go. We would be living on the street, and my mother acted like she didn't care at all. The day my mother kicked me out, I had a friend that lived on horn road. Which was not far from my mother's house. I was so mad at my mom that I told her I never wanted to talk to her again and she would never see or talk to my kids ever again.

My mother knew I was not lying about what I was saying, but she had no expression at all. She let her boyfriend talk to her. I never really liked him at all. He is the one who got my mother addicted to crack cocaine. But by this time, she stopped using crack, and she was doing good. It took her truck being stolen and caught on fire in a field for her to cease using any kind of street drugs. The only medication she was using was her new husband's pills he would always give her. even when she didn't want to take any of his meds, he would give them to her.

I forgot to tell you my mother got married to this guy behind everyone's back. She knew I was going to object to the marriage. So she didn't invite anyone to the wedding. She went to the mayor's office and got married there. But that's another story for another time. That's going to be the next story I tell or the following journal entry.

Now that the kids and I are on the street with nowhere to go. I was lost and was not sure what to do next. The first thing that went through my mind was how was I going to get any pills now. Because my mother would give me all the meds her husband gave her, and she didn't want to take them. she would give them to me, and I would do what I wanted with them. Now that I don't live in that house anymore, I would not have a free supply of pills to take whenever I wanted to.

After a few days of staying with my friend, I decided to call my grandmother and see if she would let us live with her. she said I could come live with her, but I could not have my kids there. So I sucked up to my mother and asked her if she would take my kids' temp custody until I get my own place to live. I told her I would be living with grandma, and she would not let the kids come with me. It was the worst day of my life. I had to leave my kids behind while I went to stay with my grandmother.

My kids lived with my mom for at least a year of their lives. My mom got them in school and their own rooms, and my mother gave them whatever they wanted. I spoke to my kids every now and then. Living in Ravenna with my grandma and not knowing anyone out that way made it hard for me. I was not able to find any pills around. So I ended up moving onto met. There was more meth around than anything else out that way.

I tried getting a job while I lived out there. But I could never keep any job I got. the job place would do a drug test on me, and I would not pass. I was not responsible while I lived with my grandma. I thought I was free of any responsibility I had. I figured I could do whatever I wanted, and nothing would happen to me. My mom had my kids at that time, and whatever money I was making or stealing from my grandma went to meth.

It was crazy because my grandma could tell if I smoked weed, but she could not tell when I was high on meth. Even though my pupils were as huge as a quarter. She couldn't tell at all. I would stay gone for days at a time and would not come back till I knew my grandma was going to bed that way. She never had time to see that I was not going to bed at all. She would always think I would be sleeping, but all I did was close my eyes when I heard her coming out of her room. I would pretend I was asleep. There were times that I didn't even care I would be up all night watching tv and playing on my phone.

I did so many bad things to my grandma. I see that now. But at the time, I thought everyone owed me, and I should get whatever I wanted when I wanted it. I felt like I was better than anyone and everyone. I did slow down a little on the meth. Enough to get another job, and at that point, I was putting in apps to try and get another place to live. I wanted my kids back. I started to miss them a whole lot. I never got to talk to them, even when I would call my mom to talk to them.

My mother's husband didn't like me at all. And he was trying to keep my kids from me. My mom called me when it was in the evening, right when I was getting off work and heading home to sleep. We talked for almost an hour, she was telling me how the kids were doing and that they missed me. I remember her voice like this just happen today, but she sounded sick and like she was losing her voice.

I told her that I loved her and I missed her. I told her to save her voice. And get something to drink. It was terrible because she was only allowed to call me when she left to go to the store. Her husband would not let her talk to me at all. I was not even allowed to speak to my kids. So she would sneak and call me whenever she could. And that was not often at all. But the last time she called. Like I said, she sounded sick. I told her I would call her later that night to talk to my kids and tell them good night. But I forgot to call later that day. I just went to sleep, because I had to work the next day.

Even though I spent all my money on drugs. I was not saving it up to get out on my own and get my kids back. I was a terrible person while I was using drugs.

The next morning while I was sleeping on my grandma's couch, the phone keep ringing back to back. But I didn't want to answer it because I was beaten and had to work later that day. I was trying to get as much sleep as I could. But the phone keeps ringing, and my mom's husband was leaving short messages. He would say if anyone is there, please pick up. Finally, he called one last time, and on the voicemail, he started to say, Laura, if you are the please answer; it's about your mom.

As soon as I heard it was about my mother, I jumped up and grabbed the phone. I'm on the phone, and he said I'm so sorry, Laura, but your mom is dead. She passed away threw out the night, I dropped the phone. I could not believe it. I told him that he was lying; my mom is not dead. I just spoke to her last night.

I hung up on him and called my grandma right away. I could hardly speak at this point. She keeps asking if I was okay. I told her, it's not me, grandma. She was like, then what is wrong. The only thing I could get out of my mouth was "mom,." and grandma keeps asking what about your mom. I couldn't say anything. I could only cry.

So she started to guess what I was trying to say. But was unable to. I was finally able to get it out. All I said was she dead. Grandma said, what? I said she died, grandma asked if I was okay? I couldn't hardly answer anything. she said," I am on the way home. I'm calling aunt robbin and having her come to the house and sit with you ill I get there." I said okay and hung up the phone. I started to get dressed and wait for someone to get to the house with me. It felt like it was taking forever.

But like I said, that's a whole nother story to tell. So I'm not going to get into it too much. So my mom passed away, and all I thought was I need to get high. But I could not leave. I was not about to miss my ride to my mother's house. I get my kids back, grandma finally lets them come live with me at her place. But I still take advantage of the whole thing.

After my mom died, I didn't care about anything at all. I quit my job and started doing any kind of drug I could get my hands on. At that time, it was only meth. I would ask my grandma to watch the kids for a little bit. And I would leave for hours at a time, not telling her what I was doing or where I was going. There would be times I wouldn't come home at all. After a while, my grandma was not putting up with it any longer.

She kicked the kids and me out. and I really had nowhere to go this time. My mom was dead. I had no one at all. I started talking to an old friend of mine I went to school with, and she let me come stay with her for a little bit. But the house was nasty, and she wouldn't take care of her own kids. I was doing it all, taking care of my kids and hers at the same time. The house was always nasty, and I had friends coming in and out doing meth with me.

I decided to call my cousin and see if she would take my kids for a little bit until I could get things together and get my own place to live to get my kids back. She agreed to take them, I wrote up a letter giving her temp custody of my kids. Just in case they needed medical care.

I put my kids through so much, I missed out on their life. All the moments a mother should be there for, I was too worried about getting high. I hate myself so much for everything I missed and everything I put them through. While they were with my cousin, they were stabbed with forks and had their hair pulled. They were only allowed to eat a little bit at a time. And if they didn't eat when it was time to eat, they didn't eat all.

For me to even talk about this stuff hurts me all over. I was a bad mother. And I wish I could change what they went through. But there is no way I can do that. All I can do is try and make things for them now better than they were. I try making up for what I did all the time. I want them to know that I'm sorry and it will never happen again.

So my kids were somewhat being taken care of where they were. I stayed living with my friend, and something happens at her house. She wanted me to call the police, so I did. not thinking anything of it, I walk outside while the law is still at the house. They take my name, and everything runs it through the database, and it comes back I have a warrant for my arrest. They take me to jail. I was so confused and mad all at the same time.

While I was in jail, I heard through the grapevine that my cousin would try and take my kids from me and get custody of them. I was not about to let that happen. I didn't want them going through any more pain than they have already endured. I called my grandma while I was in jail and talked to her. I wanted her to try and get me out of jail. I was in there longer than I should have been. It was like the law forgot I was in county jail. They never come to get me and take me to court.

Finally, they took me to court, and my grandma could come to pay bail to get me out of jail. While I was o there, I started my period. I didn't have anything to wear, so I bleed through the clothes they had me wear, and when I asked for new bedding and some new clothes to put on, they would not bring me anything. so I sat in blood a whole day. It was nasty and embarrassing. I was so mad at the system.

By the time my grandma come to pick me up from jail. It was hours later. When I would use the bathroom, I could see out the window where she parked, waiting for me to be released, and she was out there waiting for almost 3 hours. I couldn't believe it took so long for them to come and grab me and take me downstairs to be released.

The first place I went after I got out of county jail was to a friend's house to get a tampon. Then, grandma had me drive, and we headed home, back to Ravenna. When we got back to Ravenna, I stopped where I was staying before I went to jail, grabbed all my stuff from there, and took it back to my grandma's house. She was going to let me come back and live with her.

It felt so good to be back at my grandma's house. I started talking to her about what I heard my cousin was trying to do. I told grandma that I wanted to go get them and bring them back home with me, and she said, yes, we can go get them, and all of you can come live with me again. I was happy to hear those words exit her mouth. I started to cry and gave her a hug. I called my cousin right away to tell her to have the kids ready that I was going to come to get them tomorrow.

The next day we went to pick them up. I was so happy to see them. I had not seen them in almost a year. They were so big, and they came and hugged me and wouldn't let go. I grabbed all their stuff, and we headed back to grandmas house. We lived with her for a few months, and then I received a phone call and a letter in the mail. They were calling to set up an appointment to fill out papers for the apartment they were letting me move into.

We were able to move in a week later. After I moved into the apartment. That was back in warren. I stopped using meth and went back to pills. I had my own place to live, so I was able to do whatever I wanted. I didn't have to go by anyone else rules other than my own. It was nice to have my own place again. I made a vow that this place would be my last place to live unless we could move into a big house. But if we could not live in a house, I was not going to move again.

I knew so many people out here, and I could find any kind of pill I wanted. And that's what I did. I lived in this apartment for around 3 years. I had been so bad on drugs that if I didn't wake up with a pill to do, I would be sick all day. So I had to have a pill to do in the morning and threw out the day, or I would lay in bed and not do anything that day.

I was so bad that I started to take stuff from my kids and sell it, so I had money to get what I wanted or needed at that time. After 3 years of doing nothing but bad stuff all the time, I met this girl down the road, and she was in a group called AA. I started asking her so many questions about it and what I had to do to get help.

I was ready to stop using everything. I called my dad and asked him for help. I asked him if he would watch the kids while I went into treatment to receive treatment off the drugs. He told me I didn't need anything like that, that all I had to do was pray. That made me so mad I yelled at him and said, if it was that easy, dad, I would have done it a long time ago. I said thanks a lot and hung up.

A few months later, I met another lady that was in the same group. I asked her to be my sponsor and if she would help me learn everything I needed to know. She said yes. I told her that I would have been off drugs a long time ago if I could only find someone to watch my kids while I go to treatment. And I was like God was speaking through her. she said, ' I will keep your kids while you are away". I couldn't believe it. I was about to start a new life without drugs. That was one of the best days of my life at the time.

I started calling around to which place had a bed open for me. The place I ended up going to was called "first step recovery." the person I spoke to told me to call back every day to see if a bed opens up. I did just that. I called every day sometimes. I would call more than I should of. I wanted to get in there so bad. I was ready to be done with all the drugs and abuse I was doing to my kids. " not physical abuse, but mental," but neither one is good for any child to go through. It was almost a week of calls to that place, and they called me back.

They told me what I had to do and what to bring with me. What I could bring inside the facility and what I could not bring with me. I told them that it has been months since I used just only pills, that right now I'm buying sub's off the street and using them to stay away from everything else. The person I spoke to told me to stop taking those and make sure I had some kind of opioid in my system. So I could receive the best treatment plan while I was there.

I did just as I was told. When I got into the facility and back to my room, I could not wait till they gave me a dose of suboxone. I was starting to not feel good at all. Even though this place was the place, I wanted to go to stop using everything. I could not wait till it was time for meds. I had a 7-day detox to do. And with this being my first time ever doing this, I did not know what to expect or what I should or shouldn't be doing. Everyone there didn't help much at all either. Some of the workers were so mean and would not help at all.

While I was in there, they made us go to a group meeting, and this particular meeting was where someone comes in to tell their experience and hope. I can t remember anything she said. But I remember she said something on the lines of if you don't complete the program, you will not make it in the real world. I hate someone telling me what I'm going to be able to do and what I'm not going to be able to do. When those words exited her mouth, I said, well, that's wrong. I told her I have 2 kids at home, and I have someone watching them. So I'm doing the 7days, and then I'm going home. I also told her that when I put my mind to something, I do it. And my mind is made up. I come here to get help, not for someone to tell me what I'm not going to be able to do when I leave here.

That lady made me so mad when she started talking like I would not make it unless I stayed 38days at this place. I made sure she knew she was wrong. all she could say was okay, good luck then. I spent my 7 days, and then I come home. When I left that place, it felt like a significant weight was lifted off my shoulder. It was like I was looking at the world in a whole new way.

I stuck to what I said in treatment. I have been clean going on 4years. This April 7th, 2021, I will have 4 years clean and sober. I have worked so hard on myself and my life to stay clean. My sponsor helped me a whole lot too. I still have my kids, and they are doing so much better now. they tell me all the time how proud of me they are. If it was not for me, kids, I would still be out in the world doing whatever I wanted. I would be letting men treat me like crap. I took a whole year and worked on myself. I know what I want in life and out of a relationship.

I don't let anything get in my way of sobriety. My kids come first now. All my bills are paid, and I don't stress over dumb stuff anymore. I live one day at a time. My family trusts me again; I have started my own cleaning business. I have my own car now. I have a really awesome boyfriend now; he treats me so well. I live the best life I can now.

I have only had to do this one time. I would not ever want to go back to treatment again. I would be embarrassed if I had to go back there. I am grateful that I got this the first time, and I can help other people out now.

If you need help with any addiction, please ask for help, and don't be scared of what lies ahead of you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this long story.