The Garden

Beverlee Puckett

THE GARDEN

By Beverlee Puckett

As I sink deep onto my California King size bed I gaze out the picture window to admire this Super Full Moon shining in all his glory. Usually I am in full swing preparing for my monthly full moon rituals and incantations to honor the Goddess her self for the ability to harvest the moons energy and will it to assist me in whatever intent my focus is on at the particular time; however, I can only think about how messed up my life has become. I can send blame in all different directions to so many people who has had a vast impact on my life. I then realize, as I begin to pull the covers slowly up around me, in the end it is my choice on how I handle each and every situation which occurs. Do I believe what I can only see? Whether I believe it or not believe what is truly going on does not matter. Your brain is so complexed. Your thoughts can become your reality. Your reality can become your thoughts. Eventually among the insanity a ugly monster with red glowing eyes will emerge.

Everyone has a monster which lives in the deepest part of their souls. We dare not speak about him or even have a full complete thought about him for fear he will peek out of our closet of skeletons. Some people can control him and be able to consider him an equal part of themselves while embracing the shift of change in life’s direction being led by the monster himself. Now on the other hand some people cannot control this being we have brought into existence. We choose to welcome this being into our lives feeling we were in control when all along we were just his new toy, a play thing, a muse.

Other people will blame it on the drugs I have taken over the past few years. Self-medicating, trying to stop the thoughts and hurt feelings brought on by the your loved ones actions towards the choices you have made for your own life. The disapproval you encounter each time you happen to sit across from them at Sunday dinner.

My head begins to spin. I reach over to my nightstand and grab my skittle bottle of meds which I am assured by my physician are completely safe. When the lid makes the popping noise and hit the floor I feel the room get warm. This was not a nice cozy warm but more like a uncomfortable warmth, skin crawling from head to toe sensation which rocks your calm and peace to mass paranoia in the blink of an eye. Finally, he is here. He has emerged and now the question becomes, “Is he just a thought? Is he my reality? Could I have actually somehow breathed life to this monster?” Yes, I did breathe life into this monster. Each time I allowed someone to walk on me as if I was their doormat and never stand up too show them they were wrong. Instead I took each stab in the back or slap in the face with a hard swallow. I always assumed if I could forget then the situation never occurred. Out of site out of mind. It would begin to become just a thought and not my reality. I was so wrong on so many different levels.

I sit on the bed with the covers pulled tighter than ever around me he slowly lurks around the room. He has no emotion. His eyes glowing red. He did not seem dangerous in the point of physical harm; however, I knew he was not here to make everything in my life better.

Since my reality gave this monster life, I realized I have become his life source. He stopped in front of my bed. He did not speak one word. I could feel him pulling and tugging in the depths of my stomach. He needed to feed. He needed strength. He needed this to be able to do what he was created for. I began to feel a slow drain from my spirt, from my soul. I sat in amazement I was allowing this monster to accomplish this.

Suddenly I sat straight up and realized Oh My God! He is feeding off of my insecurity. He is feeding off of the doubt I have in myself. He is planting the seeds in your imagination until they take root deep in your mind, in the deepest darkest parts of your soul. There they will begin to grow. As I sit in a trance like state induced by my physician approved cocktail I begin to analyze the situation. I begin to rationalize why this is happening. How is this happening? Once I get a better take of the situation I realize the Monster plants the seeds of doubt first. Doubt is one of the strongest emotions/feeling; unfortunately, doubt has long arms and long fingers. The fingers go as long as you can imagine. So, when you begin doubting every emotion, thought and feeling you have ever had this is when reality and imaginations lines will begin to cross. Reality and fantasy become one of the same.

Now the seed of doubt has taken root and thriving, A new feeling begins to rear his ugly head. Low and behold he has now planted the seed of trust. This is not the seed which will help me with my trust issues, no this is the seed which will begin to deplete my trust in everyone and everything. Trust I know is the bases of any relationship whether it be a husband and wife, best friends or coworkers. Since I was a little girl I was always told if you do not trust someone you really do not love them. When the Monster has completely drained my trust in all I know and love, in the end without it will leave me untrusting or believing in anyone or anything. I have always stuck by the moto,

” trust is earned not given,” which I believe the Monster has just made my moto a confirmed fact.

I finally realize this garden is growing fast and abundantly. As I glance at the mirror hanging on the wall I do not recognize who is looking back at me. My eyes widen. I hear a loud scream like laughter, my head turns to the opposite side of the room to see the Monster with not just a pleased look upon his face but prouder. As if he is the father of the new quarter back in town. He nods his head towards the mirror urging me to look again. Terrified of what I will see I slowly turn and my eyes raise toward the mirror and all I can see is a shell of a human with jet black eyes and pale white skin. I cover my eyes and slowly I begin to grasp what is really going on.

The Monster has you doubting your reality. Is this real? Is it just something I am thinking and imagining? Has my thoughts and fears become my reality? No, it must be the drug induced psychosis or paranoia brought on by the white powdery substance I keep hidden away meant for me and me only. Whichever I may think is an accurate assessment I truly know one thing. Any person who has this garden growing deep within them is doing all they can do to try and wade through all of the ideas, things they actually see, compared to what they are feeling or told by people who has done nothing more than cut my heart out and leave me breathless from the pain inflicted over and over again.

As I close my eyes I take a look at this garden the Monster has planted and realize the insecurity is growing and trust is almost obsolete at this point. So in my mind and the depths of my soul I do not trust what I am feeling. I do not trust myself. My mind tells me one thing where my heart pounding loudly says another. The battle between my heart and head has begun, and our very soul, our life spirit is the trophy.

I open my eyes to see the Monster seems taller with a vibrant persona burning through the layers of the flesh like substance. His eyes glowed brighter and his smirk has grown wider. I then realize I am losing. My soul is losing. I never loose. I throw my hand in the air and begin to beat the mattress viciously almost in a child like tantrum. My mind is beginning to take over and help in this ultimate battle while the drugs are merely numbing what little life like feeling remains inside of me.

I have allowed my own decisions, my own free will to cripple my state of mind to the point of allowing this Monster to plant the final seed only this seed is only one I can see or feel. As the Monster looks over me I come to the realization he cannot plant. He has no control over this final seed which will make the garden complete. I turn away from the Monster and look back at the mirror. This pathetic, frail skeleton gazing back at me slowly nods her head in assurance. The feel of, “I have no choice,” rushes over me. I slowly look deep in the depths of my being and the final seed is planted.

This is the seed of self-pity, desperation and self-loathing. I begin to think, is this finally the end to the madness. I look around and I now cannot tell truth from fiction. I cannot tell what is real or a figment of my imagination. I sit quietly, not uttering a sound. The Monster stands perfectly still in his flawless state. What little mind and thought I have left I begin to think of the outside factors which has bared weight on this garden coming into existence. Yes, my loved ones. These very people who has said time and time again will never leave me. Will always be here for me; however, a untrusting heart now beating in my chest shows me an ugly vision. One I can not hardly face even with the dark almost soulless shell of a being. The hurt each one caused was not for me to learn a lesson of gain strength by being knocked down. No, the hurt from the people I cared the most about found amusement in my failures. They found humor in the fact my life no longer belonged to me but to all of the Monsters.

My mind began to unravel. The garden was now in full bloom and raging inside of me soaking up the rest of what little had to offer. As I looked all around I was not positive what was imaginary or what part had I conjured up due to the drug induced paranoia state of mind? I realized this state of my was the very thing the drugs were suppose to prevent. I began spinning out of control. What shred of intellect I had left finally allowed me to see and know the truth.

How could I have been so blind and not have stopped this? I didn’t think I had the strength to stop this self-destructive path I was on. What little strength and will I had pulled from to finally realize the truth, it was too late. I took a deep breath and fell back on my bed in disgust and self-loathing.

I laid on my bed which seemed to be an eternity until finally I slowly sat up. I turned to look at the same stranger in the mirror, then I turned to look at the Monster. I jumped completely out of the bed and hit the floor in pure shock. The Monster was gone. He had been replaced. I could not breath. It did not matter how hard I tried, I could not without a shadow of a doubt tell you if any of what I was seeing or feeling was real or something I conjured up in my mind.

For a brief moment I actually saw myself in my prime. My skin had color and light shining from it. My blond hair was long and was given life as if bleach had never touched it. There was not one wrinkle on my face and teeth white as snow. I began to smile and a small twinge fluttered in my stomach; nevertheless, as quick as it came, it had gone. Just then I realized the fairytale I just experienced was not my happily ever after. My husband was not going to run into the room carrying roses and a ring professing his undying love to me again.

Unfortunate as everything seems this was my nightmare. The nightmare brought from the deepest part of my mind which manifested from the seeds planted by the very One whom I thought loved me unconditionally. Who really would never leave my side and stand with me when no one else would. As I slowly walked toward the Monster I began to look deep into his eyes. The harder I stared I could see the evil radiating from every Orpheus, His grin was more of a evil smirk, gloating from his most recent victory over my life.

As I slowly, with grace, poise and my frail head raised high I approached the Monster. The closer I got the more the Monster began to change shape. I slowly cocked my head from side to side trying to wrap my head around what was truly going on. Finally, the image which once was the Monster was a monster but not one I recognized. This is the point I finally have gone completely insane. All reality has changed to fantasy. The one person I never thought would be behind the Monster who planted the seeds and grew the garden of destruction in my soul was me.

I am the one causing all of the pain, doubt, and mindful torment as everyone I thought loved me sat on the sidelines and watched me slowly self-destruct. Each and every one at one point or another played Puppet Master in the play called “My Life.” I stood breathless, unable to speak or even scream. I really knew all along but could not prove it without a shadow of the doubt. The phrase the Monster once said to me which haunts my ever wakening moment , before the garden ever had its first seed planted was…

“Deny Deny Deny…Lie, Lie, Lie.”

As my head began to shake back and forth again trying to awake from my own living nightmare. I realized I was all alone. None else was here. The Monster has stolen everything from me in one way or another bit by bit, piece, by piece, there is no way I could possibly get my life back. I have passed the point of no return. I still stand staring into the mirror with amazement. I am still not positive what the drugs manifested or if the Monster acted alone and the drugs had no interaction at all.

I walked back over to the nightstand and the Monster emerged. He reached down and partake in the white powdery substance along with me. The evil grin slowly creeped back over his face. I know I saw or a brief second love in his eyes but quickly darkness suffocated the light. He begins mocking me and laughs outload. A laugh which made my eardrums want to explode. I cannot control what smidge of emotion I have left. I scream another childlike scream along with kicking and swinging my arms. I could not stand the feeling which has come over me. Dazed and confused by the achy nagging pain of not having the drugs and the pain of defeat along with the shame of becoming someone who I swore I would never become.

I finally realized the outcome of this game and it was inevitable. The total destruction of my being. At this point no matter what strategy I used the ending will not change. As I lifted my eyes towards the Monster I noticed his eyes began to soften then the grin creeped back over his face. He is now taunting me. He is pushing me past my breaking point till I will unable to turn back. I was lost. As what was left of my mind began to spin in anguish and torture the rage started swelling. Deep within the pit of my stomach until it is exploding from my eyes with flaming tears. My mouth opens wide but I could not utter a sound. I loose control of every body part and sense God gave me. I knew I should stop and attempt to regain control but it was inevitable.

Since the Monster has taken my security, trust and self esteem my sanity went parallel with them all. Uncontrollable movements and sounds continue to explode from every square inch of my aura. The Monster grins his same evil grin knowing where each scream, kick and lashing out stems from. His grin widens, his laugh becomes a haunting rise coming straight from the pits of hell, not any hell, it was my own.

He knows he has planted each seed and fed while he watch the garden grow until it consumed my very soul. My life source, my sanity is all gone. As I slowly walked back over towards the night stand, my mind started to become clear again. I looked all around my bedroom taking in every single inch. I breathed a sigh of exhaustion. I finally knew the answer to the ultimate question.

I turned to face the Monster. This was my final stand. I reached deeper than I ever had deep within to gather enough strength to say” You have consumed me. You took my very life source, you took my love, trust, security, self-worth but the One thing you could not and cannot take is my Free Will. No one can take my Free Will away from me…. but you win….”

I reached into my nightstand drawer I pulled out my 9 mm pistil. I pressed the cold metal barrel with direct contact to the my temple. I gently placed my index finger on the trigger. The Monsters grin turns into a straight line. As his grin begins to change, so does his facial features. At the very moment when I thought I was at the end with no other way out, I stared deep into the Monsters cold dark eyes. I began to hyperventilate. I could not believe what I was seeing. The gun slipped from my hand and fell to the floor.

My eyes widened to take every inch of the scene unfolding before me. I seen the Monster from in his true form. I was in shock to see he was not a drug, any member of my family or my husband. To my surprise, deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew, the Monster who planted the garden and has been taking small bits of my true inner spirit was me.

I fell to the floor, crying uncontrollably. I realized I had caused my self to fall into the deepest, darkest pit of my own hell while blaming everyone else. I had to try and figure out how to put my life back together. I had to try and take the Monster down and out of my life for good. I was not sure if I was strong enough and could stand up against him. I also knew if I didn't it would eventually destroy me. I knew I had to win for no one else but me.