The Final Breath

Later started his thanksgiving holiday differently this year, previously he’d be back at home helping cook and prepare on thanksgiving eve, but this year he was in a hotel with a guy he met from a dating app. His name Matt: a handsome guy, but damaged. He came back to town from the west coast and he was going crazy being back in his toxic household. Later could also sense he was hurting. Later was a deep empath and healer, so naturally, he wanted to heal Matt but Later failed to realize that “you can’t heal everyone” and that people can only save themselves. Later tried to lend a listening ear, a compassionate heart, but Matt couldn’t see it. He was too blinded by his thoughts and the hurt that he was enduring that it capsized Matt. Later on in the day, it was about 1 pm they got food. Later practically fasted the last two days, so this was his first meal. The food also gave him enough energy to think and lie down for a while. Matt was sitting up on the bed chilling, and Later was adjacent lying down both of them in their worlds. Later then began to think, and think. It was the first time he sat down with himself and indulged his mind. Later finally felt his feelings, and he decided that today I’m going to feel this, and he began to cry. He cried, and cried. Then he laughed. Matt noticed and replied, “I can’t tell if you’re laughing or crying?” Later wiped his tears, and replied “Both” Matt tried his best to comfort Later by rubbing on his back and giving encouraging words, but he wasn’t listening only projecting his own experience onto Later.

“It’s time to go home” Later thought, and then his family called stating that dinner would be starting soon, so be there. Later was relieved, and was eager to leave. So about 2:45 Later left, as he exited the motel he felt more free and vibrant. He went to the family dinner, and it felt good until it didn’t. He ate, and then since he felt those feelings earlier with Matt, all of his feelings wanted attention. Later hurried and ran to the bathroom. He felt the tears coming, the real tears. The tears that Later has avoided, and pushed down so far that they feel into the abyss, but they finally got the strength to fight back, and they released, and Later felt them hard. He felt guilty, ashamed, and worthless. He felt guilty for not being able to heal Matt, shame for choosing himself over Matt, and powerless all because he thought he could heal Matt, but he couldn’t. At the same time, Laters soul was exhausted, and tired of the routine. It wanted something new, fresh, and alive. It was time for Later to heal all of his past traumas, and finally release them. This was the first step, Later went back home that night to isolate, and reflect. Later slowly fell into a depression, and got trapped in the machine that was his mind. Later also concluded that he was still in love with his ex-lover who left him. That he’d pushed down that hurt, and ignored it. Later then went on an intense self-love journey, and rediscovered himself in three weeks, and found himself doing things he normally wouldn’t even do, he reconnected with the past, and his childhood, and accepted all of the trauma for what it was, an experience. Then came a period where Later was supposed to relax, and rest, but Later had been in survival mode all his life he didn’t know how to rest, and so he was restless. Later learned healing isn't linear, it fluctuates. He had a few good days, and bad days, but those are all apart of the healing process, but Later had a feeling, anticipation that his ex-lover was going to come back one day, and confess his love, but as the days went by, and the days got longer he started to lose hope, and this hope triggered something in Later, despair, and despair ate Later alive. Later couldn't enjoy any of the things he once enjoyed, none of it, the changes we're working but gradually, but he didn’t see any changes in the real world. Later couldn’t deal with the pain anymore, he woke up one morning and decided “Today is the day I end this once and for all” The pain was unbearable, the waiting, all of it, Later thought he was strong enough to handle it all, but he too was blinded. Later called onto God, but he couldn’t see God’s words. So Later found something he could control, and that was his life. Later knew the damage this would ensue to his family, and the guilt he was experiencing for doing so, and the consequences, but he couldn’t take it anymore. So Later did some research and found a concoction for poison. He made the concoction work with the materials he had at home, took some NyQuil a few hours before, and then he walked to his local forest, a beautiful vast place. It was a nice day, a beautiful autumn view. The colors of the leaves are so diverse and unique. So Later knew this was the place. He then began to walk along the trail of the forest and he found a nice log. He sat on the log, and he drank the poison. He then laid down sideways and began to cover himself in leaves, using them as a cover. As he was all wrapped up, he closed his eyes. Then the Nyquil kicked in and before Later knew it, he took his last breath. Free at last from the torments of his thoughts, and his mind.