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The feeling

by Tanya 2 years ago in depression
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The feeling
Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

You're living life to the fullest and one day it all stops. The breaks are slammed and everything changes. You ask yourself a ton of questions and thoughts run through your mind as to why. What happened? Why me? Why can't I get up out of bed? Why is that things that I used to care about and enjoy just seem to be chores and lost thoughts? Why is it that I'm so sad, moody, making plans just to break them? Why do I feel so dead inside and why am I crying so much? Why don't I care about the way I look or even have the strength to take a shower? All these things crossed my mind over and over again for years. I had no idea what happened to me. Where did my spunk go? Why is this cloud over my head? Why and more why's were running through my mind what was left of it at the time. I really tought I had lost mind.

I went to the doctor and I was told I had depression. I looked at the doctor like she was crazy. I said "DEPESSION what do you mean? How?" The doctor looked at me and said "I'm not sure. I'd like you to see a therapist." Just like that I was seeing a therapist for the depression and taking pills for it. With not knowing why? To be honest yes I had things that had happened to me when I was growing up. I never thought it would all come back to haunt me as I got older but, oh my goodness it sure has.

Talking to a therapist to me was a waste of time and money. The pills sure they kind of help I guess. Some times I thinnk I feel worse. I don't know to be honest. I try to keep myself busy to where I'm sitting around thinking of the things from the past or the things that bring me down. Oh it's very hard for sure.

I can remember as far back as when I was 2 years old. Trust me that was a long while back. I can remember things that I think no little girl should ever have to go through in her life at all but, I went through it and more. I member feeling like I didn't matter to anyone. I was passed around from relative to relative. I remember being with my grandmother pretty much all the time. That wasn't a bad thing by the way. I guess the bad things started happing when I was around 4 years old. We had moved far away from my grandmother to a place with people I didn't know at all. This is where unthinkable things started to happen. I was always to afraid to tell my mother about these things becuase I was told if I said anything my mother would be hurt. This kept going on for 3 years. I was so happy the day when my mother said we were going to go visit my grandmother. Oddly we never went back to that other place.

I was finally back with my loving grandmother and my cousins. I don't really remember my mother being around to much. I know my auntie's and uncle's were. I believe my mother was working all the time I really don't know. Other things had happened that invovled so many things like, lossing pet's family remembers like, brother's, uncle's, aunt's cousin's and my great grandmother. So, I had to deal with loss at a very young age. I think this made me grow up to fast. I really didn't have much of a teenage life at all. I left home at 15 years old because my mother and I didn't agree on things. I started working at 15 years old and dropped out of school at 16 years old. I began drinking alcohol

If you take a look back at you childhood like I do can you remember more good times than bad times? What I see is bad times but, I learned life lessons as well. Meaning I learned that I would never let bad things happen to my kids. I mother hen them so much, maybe to much but, I love my kids and I tell them so all the time several times a day.

Depression it runs your life. It can really mess you up if you let it. I'm still fighting with it. It hasn't won yet and it hasn't killed me. I try hard not to let it get the best of me but, honestly I'm only human and it knocks me on my butt bad some days. My kids keep me going. I think of them not having me around to protect them and that's the best pill ever.


About the author


I am a proud mother of two special needs kids. It can be a little hard at times, but no matter what at the end of the day I love my kids more than anything, and I am so proud of them. They really do light my heart up like a wild flower.

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