The Day I Moved To NYC

What happens when what is supposed to be the best day of your life, is ruined by the fear that you can not seem to control?

Why does this always happen to me? Well, the answer is pretty simple. I have general and social anxiety. I struggle every single day of my life to just make it though the day. Fear can come out of nowhere and try to overpower my life. It grips my soul and tries to drag it somewhere that I can't reach.

The day I moved to NYC, I wanted so badly to just be more excited than fearful and I was, on my way to the air port, within the airport, and at the beginning of the flight, but my fear decided to creep in at the least expected moment and take control. As I flew over NYC for the first time, my chest tightened and my breathing quickened. I had to close my eyes and breath in slowly. I needed strength to get through this.

You would think I would be afraid of going through security at the airport for the first time, right? I mean, this was all new to me. It wasn't something that I knew how to do. I should have been afraid of that. Social Anxiety is supposed to mean that I am afraid when I am around a lot of people, but I wasn't. I was confident and ready for the security guards. I was ready to strip my shoes off and show my ID when they told me to do so. I was ready for things I had no idea I would need to be ready for. But the fear didn't even register in my mind. It just wasn't there. Weird.

Trying to find the right gate in the middle of a multitude of people rushing to their destinations should have been scary. It should have caused my heart to skip a beat, my breaths to quicken, my hands to clasp together in front of me trying to get a grip on something to hold me together. But.... My heart beat normally in the crowd pushing in. My breaths did not quicken as the people pushing in toward me sped their step. My hands lay comfortably at my sides. My eyes were focused on finding my gate and nothing else mattered. Nothing else bothered me. This was not normal for me. I really do not know how I got through all this without fear.

Boarding the flight with no assigned seat should have freaked me out. I should have been asking questions in my mind that consisted of: Who do I sit by? What if I sit by a serial killer? Or a stupid little kid that would kick the back of my seat during the entire flight (you know, like in the movies)? I love kids, but when I am in a fear moment, I take things a little too far to the extreme and to the negative. I could have been by a cute little girl or by a nice kid, but when fear takes control all I can think about is all the bad things. I mean, what would the chances be that I would sit by a serial killer? These are the things that should have been running through my mind. This would be my Social Anxiety and General Anxiety combining, but these thoughts were not there. I was fine. I was excited to get on the flight. Fear just did not exist in that moment.

After boarding the flight, finding a window seat, and sitting by no one, you would think I would be afraid of take off. It was new to me and should have made my anxiety go haywire! It should have freaked me out to the point that I would have been rethinking everything. Is this fear really worth it? Should I get on a flight back home and just never leave the comfort of normalcy. These normal fearful thoughts should have been running through my mind, but they weren't. Take off was fun! It was not scary in the least!

SOOO...

My question is, why did fear grip me in the moment that it shouldn't have?? Why did my heart skip a beat, my chest contract with the weight of the world, my breaths quicken to a point I didn't think I could breath at all, my thoughts go crazy, rethinking everything? Why did all these things happen in the frame of 3 seconds when I saw the city from an aerial view? Shouldn't I have been excited? Why did my fear do this to me? I had to close my eyes and miss what should have been the best part of my life. With one eye open and one eye closed, I watched the city come closer and closer. With every mile that brought me closer to my dream, I prayed more and more because my anxiety had a hold of me. I watched the beauty of the city grow closer and closer, yet all I could do was sit there trying to breath. I wasn't able to enjoy what I had been wanting to. I had been waiting on this moment for my entire life and this is what happens? Seriously? Do you know how depressing that is? I can't control it either, no matter what I do.

That is anxiety for you. It does not make sense and takes control in the most unexpected moments. All I can do is work through it every day of my life with the help of those that know me best.