The Cure

It all started in 2016. That was the year that changed everything, it was the in between period of my first and second year of college, my 19th year of life, and the year that gave me my biggest emotional scar. Since then, I've just been fumbling through my life. It's like that episode of FRIENDS where they throw a ball around for hours but won't let Chandler play because "he's a dropper", and then it shows all of the times where Chandler has dropped or broken things. Well, that's me. I'm Chandler Bing.

You may be wondering what it was that screwed me up so bad that I developed depression, a severe generalized anxiety disorder, and a phobia of death. My 2016 actually started off amazingly well. I went to a concert for one of my favorite Korean pop groups, and I visited South Korea for the first time. I felt like I was on top of the world from how happy I was, but then it all came crashing down. My dog that I grew up with for 15 years of my life had to be put to sleep, and not even two weeks later, my grandpa passed away from cancer and liver failure. I was there for both deaths, experiencing their pain along side them. It's nearly impossible to be the same person after watching someone pass right before your eyes, and for me I've never went back to the naive little girl that I once was.

My life since then has never been stable, it has consisted of high highs and extremely low lows. I could tell you all about the awful things that have happened in my life. How I was forced to share a dorm room with girl who hated my race and made my life hell, how my boyfriend at the time made me feel so depressed that I thought about ending everything, how I was taken advantage of by disgusting guys who pretended to care about me, how my stress caused me to faint and lose weight to the point I only weighed 83 lbs, how I had to run away from China to South Korea only to be thrown away by yet another guy and sent spiraling into a deep pit of depression, and even the fact that I was sexually assaulted in early 2020. I could go into detail about each event, but it would be an exhausting waste of time.

My coming of age story isn't just about my constant hardships that I've been forced to endure and overcome, it is also about learning to heal and to grow and figuring out the, "where do I go from here?". The past couple of months I keep wishing that I could go home, but I am home. And the worst part is that the home I wish to go back to is somewhere in the past when I last felt comforted and happy and I can never get that back. I have to find a new home now. I realized that I've been hanging on to all of this baggage because I don't think I was ever able to properly heal. I've been letting my emotional wound get deeper and deeper ever since, and I wasted so much time thinking that I could heal my wounds if I could just find the perfect man. Someone who could hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that I am beautiful just the way I am. But that perfect man doesn't exist. And the only one who can tell me that things will work out in the end, is me. And the only way that I can be beautiful is if I realize it all on my own. That is what 2021 has been about for me. A year of self reflection, tough love, and forgiving myself. I realized that the only one that can heal me, is me. The only one that can love me, is me.

From here on out, I want to be kind to myself. I want to be able to heal and finally let go of everything that has been keeping me from feeling happiness for these past 5 years. I want to feel alive again, and I want to finally live for myself.