The Calm Before The Storm

I knew that staying or leaving wouldn’t make a difference I was set on making this work although every part of me was already broken my ability to trust was gone and the pain was permanently inked while I dripped black and screamed for a resolution. My face was blank emotionless I became cold and yet at the drop of his trigger I shattered in a crowded room tears falling, it started so small I could hide my pain confined to my room. my sensitivity was my own breaking down to movies brushing it off as being overly soft to the norm but what happened to me why did I get so weak so fragile letting everyone see what was behind the facade, my tears staining my cheeks with the longing for an apology that could only come but from the lips of a manipulator.

I began to question everything even my own existence, my sleep stolen my dreams turned in to constant nightmares. My strength faltered and before I knew it anxiety became me, the chest pain set in as if my heart was in constant turmoil. The words he said to me rang in my ears constantly like a broken record it played my insecurities was written all over me smothering me till I stopped gasping for air.

I was right and I knew it deep down inside my gut instinct was never wrong the proof was ever where and yet his fight was stronger, after giving up a precious gift to your deceitfulnes giving me something I never asked for. Something I’m afraid I will never get rid of you tainted me and yet I stayed why wasn’t that enough to learn why wasn’t it enough to change your ways, after I blindly trusted you again you went and buried me as if putting me down 6 ft the first time wasn’t enough you showed me how worthless I was in your eyes no respect was there. But again, I said you could change I fought for you to keep what was supposed to already be mine up until this year (2020) I gave it everything I had.

Despite all your inconsistencies and infidelities, I fought for someone desperate to stay on the pedestal he was mistakenly put on but never deserved, I often wonder why wasn’t I warned of this wolf in sheep’s clothing. But doesn’t it always start that way you fall for the sweet long talks that goes till the sun comes up and the empty promises that give you the courage to let your walls down, it was that very lie that blinded me or maybe I knew it all along from the beginning. But enough about us, because it is not us who has the anxiety it is not us who has the trust issues or the pain. No its not us who has the racing mind and is said to be stuck in the past, who is said to be insecure and has problems or as you say needs serious help this isn’t an "US" thing now is it?

The wires haven't gotten crossed and words havent changed at least in my mind, but in your life my words are just the blabbering feelings of a person who can't move on right, I see it as communication and you see it as a reason to get hopping mad and tear down the universe or particularly just me so the radio has become silent the static sits piercing through me tears roll down my face in front of strangers. If I’m not mistaken we are back to the beginning aren’t we time hasn’t stopped but I feel as if I’ve gone mad in fact bonkers with the words stuck in my head, swallowing it back my truth too much for you to handle. you say I’ve changed you don't like the new me oh wait I forgot you want the quiet me the blinded me, the me that just goes off of your words with not actions to follow.

Oh, wait I for forgot this is not about us this is about me, time has slipped by me again and the year is almost over I cannot catch a break. I drown myself in music and romantic films, the films I was told I expect too much from and maybe that is so but maybe it is also the reason I have not given up. Why must my thoughts, my dreams, my love not be my own why am I blamed for the person I have become when I did not ask for this. Have you gotten tired yet because I have, it’s exhausting fighting yourself and the one you love and still you have made it so clear that your life is your own making me feel excluded and crazy for fighting, the patience you suddenly want has diminished. But this is not an US thing now is it; I fell down the rabbit hole and you the wicked red could only see my flaws instead of your own the year is almost over I wonder if I will ever come up.