The art of snuggle.

I have always wanted to be a writer, and now I have found Vocal it feels cathartic to be able to get want i want to say off my chest and try and work out how to navigate my mind with words on a page.

Its crazy how i can think something and then see my fingers going quickly around the keyboard then what i am thinking just spills out into formed sentences, and articulate wording..

and then today at 3 am in the morning..this platform..well it has pretty much stopped a panic attack in its tracks...

As a mother, one of the worst feelings in the world is when you have the realisation that your child self esteem has taken a blow.

Whether they are a toddler, learning the ways of the world and how to all the little things that growing up entails, or going through the ebbs and flows of being a teenager, or the excitement and shit scarieness of going out into the big wide world and finding your feet as a young adult..and when you are a mum you just want them to be happy, self assured and confident as they take those first steps.

But if they are struggling, and not quite sure of themselves, it is heartbreaking to watch . You want to do anything to help them, but sometimes you have to step back and let them deal with all their emotions ,and actions in order for them to grow.

I am always tired and suffer from chronic pain all day every day all over my body and sometimes when it all gets too much i just have to lie down,like most days lately, i can just take a deep breath think of a black space then fall asleep to forget all my troubles and dream of doing all of the things i used to be able to do, like running, skipping and dancing.

I am a constant worrier..everyday its either...i'm hoping that my kids are having a good day, have they had enough to eat,the state of the house, what will my aching body let me achieve today, is my husband going to come home safely tonight, what is happening in the world today, are we going into lockdown again, am i and my family going to get coronavirus, are our investments going up or down,will we have enough to retire on, past betrayals of people hurting me playing a never ending soundtrack in my head, wishing i was the old , sexy vibrant wife that i used to be for my husband...its just so overwhelming ..

So what i normally do when im stressed or anxious.. i curl up in bed and snuggle .

Usually to take my mind off whatever it is, and i am snuggled and comfy, i will check my emails, read the news, or go on instagram or facebook to see what other people are up to..(sometimes that can be a good thing as you dont want to be like them and it makes you feel better about yourself, and on the other hand it can make you feel worse and you want to be like them..) or i will watch a funny or uplifting movie on youtube or whatever streaming service we have decided to get for the month..

But then yesterday was the day that i had ALL of that stuff that overwhelms me in my head, but the worst part, on top of all that, was the fact that my child was feeling like a lost puppy, and worried about what their future holds. Im guessing that they were feeling overwhelmed, and doubting themselves and i didnt know what to do to help them..

I just wish they could see how incredible they are and see what we see everyday. They are so gorgeous, smart, funny,passionate, creative, incredibly talented and gifted in whatever they put their mind too and they have so many people singing their praises.(I am actually a bit jealous and wish that i could do half of what they do , or be like who they are..)

The way they speak is so articulated , they have a ridiculisly good memory,a great singing voice,fiercely loyal to their friendship group, and just all an round beautiful soul..

So being worried about how my child must be feeling and then their were more cases of coronavirus, we would be going into lockdown ,we are not vaccinated yet,our car was playing up,old wounds were resurfacing..and i was stupid enough to eat bread..it was all too much.... i could not stop crying my heart was pounding ,I felt like i was going to vomit.I just couldnt relax. my chest hurt , my stomach hurt and..the lunar eclipse was happening and as a photographer i could not get out of bed to capture it .

I felt like absolute shit and i hated it..I just wanted to run away from myself...

so i STOPPED,

took a deep breath,.and do what i have done a few times the past couple of years and ive been slowly getting better at it, and i starting implementing ways of trying to slow my heart down and try to relax.

First it was breathing exercises a expert had taught me....nope..still racing.

Then i tried the technique that my husband had taught me when we starting dating..

;take a deep breath, think of your feet going to sleep then your ankles and then your calves and so on up to the tip of your head..it was amazing when i first tried it ..

But still in these very early morning hours... it wasnt working.

...my heart was still pounding, so i turned and asked google to play me a bedtime story.

She started to tell the story of Cinderella. I tried to pictured the ugly stepsisters as having big noses like the wicked witch of the west, and i pictured myself as cinderella and my husband as the prince , putting on my slipper...(which was so easy to picture as he has had to put my shoes on for me multiple times in the past 26 years due to all of the crap that this old body has endured.) .Then after the story had ended on google, i just kept imagining dancing around a ballroom with my husband and all these other romantic things that we could do..then my mind wandered back to my child...

then out of the blue ,i started forming sentences in my head and i had to urge to write down how i was feeling.

i turned over , grabbed my laptop and it all spilled out.

It just came out like a torrent , all the words seemed to just make sense and i realised that by me becoming a writer on vocal and having just been told i had now been published 10 times, that it has unlocked my creative juices that i knew i always had ,but i was always to scared to let out and tell to the world.

My heart rate started to slow, and i felt a sense of calm for the first time in hours. I felt like i was home again..if that makes sense. Like a caged bird that had been let free to fly..i could not stop the words kept flowing..

Then the mantras came out of my mouth.

My child is going to be just fine..They are someone that is admired and will continue to be , for all of the things that they will acheive in their future.

I am ok...i am a good mum and we will get through this pandemic and come out the other side.

And so i give thanks to you Vocal.

Thankyou for rescuing me,for allowing my voice be heard, and creating an outlet for me to just be my newly awakened ,honest , and a little anxious loving self.

I am finishing typing now ..i will give my child another hug in the morning when he wakes, but for now i will flip the pillow over, (so its nice and cool), then pull the doona over my head, curl up in the fetal position,take a deep breath and snuggle.