The Aftermath of Abuse

I couldn’t sleep last night because of you. You weren’t here, in fact, I haven’t spoken to you in years, but healing isn’t linear and once in a while you’ll creep back into my brain that’s been trained to fear you.

Most days I’m okay now, I have a good life, great kids, wonderful husband. I am blessed beyond belief but there’s always a nagging fear I bury of the day you might snap.

All I have to go off is your pattern. When you are good, you are truly good. So easy to get along with, thoughtful, understanding but the guise is just that. When you decide to not pretend anymore nothing pleases you, you break things, put holes in walls, your previous thoughtfulness is now a thing to hold over my head, you understand nothing but the rage and jealousy that consumes you.

Then on the really bad days, usually fueled by alcohol, your eyes seemed to change. It’s so hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it other than saying they “change” they become black, pupils fully dilated. I didn’t realize someone could show so much rage and unfeeling callousness with their eyes alone. These are the days I kept my head down, you didn’t like that though, you’d grab my chin and force it up.

I was made to feel unloveable, that something was wrong with me. The periods of calm lasted longer if I followed your rules so it must’ve been just me being disobedient, right? When the pattern restarted you would be so nice and attentive until you knew you had me. Then you’d become possessive again.

I couldn’t work, if I did I couldn’t talk to coworkers. Forget girls nights, FORGET male friends. I wasn’t even allowed to be close to your friends. You trusted no one. My family wasn’t good enough, they were trash. My phone was to be monitored. It was better if I stay off of social media and if I didn’t wake you before noon.

If I didn’t want to have sex I was obviously cheating on you and also wrong for being upset with you for thinking so because you were a man and “regular sex is very important.” You even told me once that sex was all I was good for. Of course you apologized and said, “Obviously I didn’t mean that.”

You would yell at me and put me down endlessly until I couldn’t take it anymore and I yelled or said something hurtful back. Then you would use my “outburst” as an excuse for your own behavior in the future.

I couldn’t upset you in the car because you would drive fast...too fast, until I said I was sorry.

Alcohol wasn’t the problem, I was.

It took force for me to leave you. I had been trained well and if it hadn’t been for some of my “trash” family members, I might’ve stayed in that cycle forever and I’m afraid to say I might not be here today. I was always too headstrong for you.

Everyday and night you’d send me messages. Messages that varied from devotions of love to attacking myself, everything I stand for, everyone around me and everyone they stand for. You wished me death...a lot. You threatened, not only me but my family, my friends, my husband and my children. I deleted social media in fear that you would see it and be somehow angered further. I just wanted peace.

I had to call the police, move, get protection orders just for you to realize your tactics wouldn’t work on me anymore.

I had won.

Only I hadn’t.

Because now, even years later, I’m trained to be on guard for the cycle. I pray that you have found help, that you’re fixing whatever is broken within you but I also know that you’ve never believed in outside help.

“I don’t need strangers telling me what to do.”

I hope that’s changed.

I couldn’t sleep last night because I heard a noise and some part of my brain activated and thought, “This is it, he’s come to take away what he thinks is the source of all his suffering.” Me.

The hardest thing is I don’t think anyone will ever see this, even if me posting it might help someone, because I am so terrified of you or anyone you know finding it.

Maybe a few more years need to pass but right now, this is my reality and a lot of other women/men deal with the same. Abuse does a lifetime of damage even if you break free. I don’t know when I’ll stop looking over my shoulder.

I’m so tired of being afraid and I hate knowing that he would love to know that he still intimidates me. Healing is not linear but I will get there.