Talking To My Shadow Self

To my inner child shadow on the wall.

I know that things haven't been easy for you growing up. You were badly hurt, and you didn't deserve any of the invisible and visible scars that were left behind by it. You were a kind, friendly, lovable, and caring sweet child who was troubled by the pain of bullying, abuse, and assault.

I know that life wasn't easy for you. You should have been able to enjoy being creative and explorative in every part of your young life, but those evil childhood bullies and adults ripped that away from you, even as you turned into a beautiful young adult.

Your beautiful young adult really was a beautiful young child too.

She danced, sang songs, and created beautiful stories, and despite her torment and learning problems, she tried really hard to grow into the beautiful young woman that she wanted to be; but nasty teenagers and adults alike put blocks in the way which stopped her from growing up. They beat her, psychologically abused her, tormented her about her body, and raped her.

She crumbled in silence because nobody around her heard her cries.

She fought back, only to be accused of causing trouble and being violent, but she was never a violent person; she was fed up with everyone abusing her and being violent to her.

She took the abuse all the way from childhood and into her young adulthood. During her young adulthood, she became a parent herself. She loved being a parent, but the cycle of abuse repeated itself, and she once more became a victim of violence, rape, and psychological abuse, yet again.

That beautiful adult lost everything. She lost her home, her children, her belongings, and almost her life as she tried to battle through the abuse by herself, because nobody, not even the police heard her cries. She was admitted to psychiatric hospitals several times because she had hurt herself several times, because she felt worthless, and she thought nobody cared about her.

Dear inner child, she was wrong

Dear, dear beautiful inner child,

That beautiful young adult was wrong. Her life and your life had been torn to pieces by uncaring and evil abusers. Even, those professionals who had accused her of many nasty and horrible things were wrong about her.

She wasn't an abusive or violent young woman, and she never abused or harmed her children. She was a young, terrified young woman trying to defend herself and her children from the horror of abuse that surrounded her. She became ill because she was silenced and ignored.

She was treated like a criminal for being a victim of abuse.

A victim who was terrified of her abusers, and scared for her children because everyone blamed and ignored her instead of helping her.

She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in Scarborough, after she was found scared, disoriented, underweight, and alone on the street, after being raped at a place that was supposed to be a place of safety for her.

She found happiness in this hospital

She met the love of her life here, and she finally got married after leaving the hospital. They both continued to have mental health problems for a very long time, and they suffered a lot of heartbreak and loss on their journey to recovery which almost shattered them, after they were punished by having their children removed a second time for having being unwell.

Yes, they were both unwell; but they both did and still love their children, and they were good parents who only needed a little support. They didn't deserve to go through more pain, they deserved to be supported on their journey to wellness and happiness.

24 and a half years later

Everybody said that heartbreak would break them up, but that beautiful loving couple is still married today, and despite their losses; they count their blessings and appreciate the love they have for each other every single day.

They support each other through a new journey of writing with a career goal in mind, and they support each other through sickness and health. There is not a day going by when they don't love and look after each other.

They still love their children, even the ones they no longer see; even though they are adults themselves now. They also have young grandchildren whom they love and cherish with all their hearts.

You learn to love unconditionally after trauma, and you support each other throughout the rest of your lives together.

That is called love.

An apology to my inner child.

I am sorry that life broke you. Life can be cruel, we are not all fortunate to escape the many horrible things that happen in our lifetime. However, we can and do heal, although we do still remember those horrible things that we went through as children.

I like to build sandcastles in the sand, watch cartoons, color, write many stories, cook, sing, dance, and bring you, my inner child out to play with me.

Remember we are one.

When we heal our inner child, we heal the adult; and when we heal the adult, adult and inner child bond and unite in order to create,

A life worth living together.