Surviving Depression &The War Inside Of Me

Life is a bitch...

A phrase that everybody either says or hears at one point of their life or another. A phrase that is so accurate, society might as well just mark it off as universal law. The phrase life is a bitch should be categorized in the same group as Newtons laws of physics, the rules of proper grammar, and the sum of 2+2. In short, the four word sentence might as well be officially respected as a fact of life.

Life is depressing.., I'm sure there's a chance that you're thinking that it doesn't have to be. It is completely normal for you to believe that, although I'm obligated to inform you that if you do, you are completely wrong. Life is in fact extremely depressing; not entirely of coarse but the vast majority of it is. Those who disagree might ask me: what evidence I have to support this claim? Well just think about it! Life is suffering, every single person that you love, every person you know, every person you have ever known is going to die and bet your ass that you will too. Your kids will have to endure your death, that's hoping your fortunate enough to not have to endure theirs first. People are forced to withstand horrible diseases and illnesses; your grandparent gets dementia, your parent gets cancer, your brother or sister gets HIV. Then there's the probability that we are the victims of some form of physical trauma. Your child hood best friend is severely injured whilst defending our country over-seas, your spouse suffers a potentially lethal wound in a car accident, your co-worker is crippled while they are on the job; each of these scenarios happens to someone on earth every single day... That's just assuming that you were blessed enough to be born in a privileged country like the United States. People who are living in places like Syria, Yemen, Iraq, or North Korea are cursed with lives proven to be far more depressing than the kind us Americans have been granted. Remember 9-11? A horrific event that claimed the lives of thousands; an event that will forever be considered as one of the darkest moments in our nations history... For 90% of the people in those other countries, our 9-11 is their 24/7. Unimaginable acts of violence, massive loss of human lives, ongoing suffering, day in and day out. When you take things into consideration, Americans don't have to endure nearly as much suffering as the vast majority of the rest of the world. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that life is depressing here and it's even more depressing nearly everywhere else.

The trick is trying to find a way to address that depression in order to prevent it from consuming you. This is no easy task, in fact, it's something that I myself have been struggling with for the last 2 to 3 years. You see, something happened in my life that completely knocked me down... knocked me down so hard that, to this day, I've been unable to successfully pick myself back up again. I've been suffering from depression so severe, there was a moment that I came dangerously close to taking my own life... In fact, I attempted to do so but luckily my efforts were unsuccessful. Honestly, I should have died... the fact that I am still alive to write about it is nothing short of a miracle. People die every single day doing what I did accidentally. I however, did what those people have done but with every intention of placing a period at the end of the sentence that represents my life. Despite my attempt to end the sentence, the universe had its own plan, thus placing a semicolon where I had intended for the period to be. Looking back at that moment now, I realize how insanely idiotic I was being. I nearly committed suicide and if I hadn't failed, then I would've allowed myself to be defeated by my depression. Thus, ultimately surpassing my biological father by becoming more of a selfish, worthless, piece of shit than he is. My little girl doesn't deserve that, she deserves for me to be a part of her life. Honestly, I'm thoroughly convinced that my daughter, Gabriella, is the only reason that my attempt to commit suicide had failed at all. God or the universe or whatever higher power you adhere to wouldn't allow for me to do something that would cause that beautiful little girl so much pain. In all honesty, the fact that I actually attempted to end my own life makes me feel like the worlds biggest scum bag from time to time. Not only does it make me feel like a piece of shit but on top of that it also makes me feel like a coward. Ironically enough, I've always considered suicide as a means of taking the easy way out; an act that is, for the most part, only performed by cowards. Considering the fact that this was my opinion in regards to suicide. Never in my entire life, would I ever have predicted that this so called "cowardly act" would be something that I would ever attempt to do. In fact, had you gone back in time to warn the teenage me about my suicidal efforts, I'm absolutely sure that I would have kicked your ass and then spit in your face in response.

A positive lesson I can take away from the ordeal is the realization that I have something extraordinary to live for. That 5 year old princess made me feel like the biggest moron alive for what I tried to do but on the other side of that coin, she also made me feel like the luckiest man breathing. She gave me the ultimate weapon anyone could have whilst struggling to survive a war against depression... she gave me purpose. I find it tremendously frustrating whenever I hear people say that their goal in life is to achieve everlasting happiness. That is such a terribly misguided conception... It's misguided largely due to the fact that it is an impossible goal to attain. Their isn't a single rational minded individual who has lived a life where they're always happy. Nor should it be their goal to do so. Instead their time should be allocated to pursue a life of everlasting purpose.

The pursuit of purpose and meaning is far more reasonable and rewarding than the pursuit of happiness. This has proven to be true in my own life; working to identify my life's purpose has been the most effective method when facing my struggles with depression and the most productive weapon throughout the war within myself. The reality is that there will be times in our lives where we won't be happy, not unless we're completely insane at least. However, we can persevere through the most tragic times by maintaining a sense of purpose. If you ask me, this concept is just as much of a universal law as the aforementioned notion that life is a bitch. As things stand today, I must admit I'm grateful... I'm grateful that when I tried to mark my life with a period in order to bring it to an end, a higher power marked it with a semicolon, overriding my decision and allowing it to continue instead. It's within that (;) that I discovered the key to overcoming my struggles with depression and the war inside of me. It's within that (;) that I found my purpose and that purpose is to make sure that my daughter lives a life with as little depression and suffering as possible.