Sun Behind the Clouds

I've been writing many maudlin memoirs lately, I thought I would take some time and think about all the good things in my life right now. I have to admit, it is pretty hard to find bright and hopeful things with me painting everything gray all the time, but I will do my best!

Writing all of this stuff down and putting it out there has been so freeing. While it has reminded me of all the terrible things in my life, it has also finally allowed me to deal with them. Everyone always says that we should write things down to help process, but then not share them. Well, I have done this from just about the first day I could write a full sentence...and it hasn't really helped. It only helped me keep things hidden, and reinforced the idea that no one cared. I'm not saying it was bad advice, just that it didn't help me.

Me being able to share everything on Vocal had been wonderful for a couple of reasons:

1. No one can leave comments. I just don't need the hate, and the sympathy/love kind of makes me uncomfortable. I would rather the latter than the former, of course! I am doing my best to feel comfortable with being loved, but it is not easy. Just ask my poor husband...

2. I don't see who read what I wrote. This means people can read my story and not feel obligated to say anything if they don't want to. I can also keep my writing as true to myself as possible without worrying about awkward conversations later. A sort of double blind study, I suppose we can call it. My doubt that anyone cares enough to read and be offended protects me here! If I am going to have unhealthy thoughts, I may as well use them to my benefit!

3. It is a safe place for me to put my thoughts where my family can finally understand me. I am...just not good in person. Most of you will probably agree. If you think I am fine socially, then that is most likely my 'act'. I probably have no idea what I said to you, actually. I just check out. Take my wedding...I remember almost nothing about it I was just so stressed. My few memories I retained were wonderful, such as my husband's breath stinking and my lipstick tasting awful (It doesn't sound great, but we found it hilarious), dancing with my husband and dad, and hugging the best man.

5. It's not about me really...but Crosswalk is getting a new home! If you do not know what Crosswalk is, it's the teen homeless shelter that helped me survive when I had (or thought I had) no one to help me. For over 30 years it has operated with just one room to house as many teens as possible at night, and turned the space into a school during the day. It was just wonderful, but so very cramped. I am sure it helped the staff keep an eye on us- a bonus considering there was no door between the girls and boys. I, for one, was very grateful for the staff being able to see us all when a random boy climbed into my small bed one night...It was less than 30 seconds before I was rescued! Still, a door to separate us would have been even better protection. It feels a little like my family is moving up in the world. So many more teens and young adults will be able to find the help they need once it is built. The teens who are currently there were given a choice of where the new center will be, and they all chose to move out of the downtown area as they do not feel safe there. I also hear they will be working with the local community college. It is well past time for the growth of such a wonderful organization.

4. I was able to visit my extended family after many years apart. In some ways, it felt like I was meeting them for the first time. I felt as though I was awkward and weird, but in a way that was reflected by those around me. I make way more sense to myself after just a short period of time with them! I hope I do not do what I do best and burn those bridges before I get to know them all better, but I am hopefully they will not let that happen.

5. I love my job. Seriously. Not all the time, of course. That would be nuts. But, in general, I feel like I belong here. I feel valued. I feel like I can grow here. For once, I feel like I can succeed at something.

6. I have a much better relationship with my dad. I feel confident to (mostly) be myself around him. It seems like what a real father/daughter relationship should be. I annoy him, he nags me, then we switch. Mostly, though, I am getting to know him; and myself as well. I always thought I was just like my mom, and I hated myself for that. I now realize just how much I take after my dad, and it is certainly a relief. For me, not my poor husband.

7. I am learning to stand up for myself, and ask for what I need. I am as bad at it as you can imagine...but I am a like a toddler in this area, so those who care are giving me a break and the support I need. Also, advice that makes me grumpy...but I can allow myself to BE grumpy. It's nice.

8. I find I have an ego. This surprises me. Most of the time I think bad things happen because I deserve them. I can have a healthy respect for myself, for once in my life, and proud of what I am doing. I am starting to almost believe I am worth good things. I even felt some small pangs of...I don't know, jealousy? That I was robbed of something I deserved? I don't know, it was gone so fast...but I think I may be human, guys. Seriously.

9. I have hope for the future, and goals. I am starting to want things again. I remember the things that drive me, and motivate me. I have also surrounded myself with people who think those ideas are great and I am capable of them. I don't think I will ever get rid of the negative thoughts in my head, but I may have other thoughts to compete with the voices of my abusers now! My counselor certainly sees a difference, and isn't that half the battle?

I hope this isn't that sad of a list. I think I am pretty happy with it...and that's what should matter. So, next time you read a story of mine that is sad and/or violent, remember that it makes me feel better and don't worry for me.

Thanks for reading; lots of love!