Suicide By Birth

Depression can be genetic and it is no fun. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and I thought I was the only one. It doesn't ever seem to go away. I never really talked about it as a kid or teenager and I think that's where I might have went wrong. Little things irritated me and made me cut myself. Not some great memories, but they've shaped me into who I am now.

In 2013, I was 16 years old. That day was the day that changed my life forever. My boyfriend picked me up to take me to the store. We were gone for 5 minutes. When we got back to my house, there was a note sticking out of the front door that said "do not come in. call mom first." I could tell it was my brother's handwriting, so of course I didn't listen and went inside just to irritate him. Man, I should've listened.

As soon as you open the front door, you can see the hallway to the bathroom. The door was closed and there was 3 full laundry baskets blocking it off. Obviously, something was behind that door that he was trying to hide from me. I moved the baskets and saw a giant puddle of blood coming from the other side of the door. I opened the door and saw a chair in the middle of the floor and then I looked behind the door and my brother was face down in a puddle of blood as big as he was. My brain didn't really register what was happening, so I kept saying his name and told him to quit playing around. I called 911 and told them to send an ambulance. They told me to check his pulse and tell them what I saw around him. I saw blood..teeth..brains..and a gun by his hand. It still didn't hit me what happened. I was standing in his blood and it still didn't hit me. I tried to shake him and turn him over...the worst idea I've ever had. I grabbed his shoulder and lifted him a little bit...the entire left side of his head was gone. Let me say it again, it didn't register. I told my boyfriend to go outside and call my mom and my dad. The police got there before my parents and were asking me questions. My body felt frozen. My mouth felt paralyzed. That didn't stop them from questioning me though. My mom finally got home and I couldn't even tell her what happened. Her boyfriend went inside and then came out and told her. I don't really remember how she reacted, but I do remember my dad pulling up to the front door with the front of his truck. He jumped out and ran inside. He picked up my brother and started to shake him and scream. The police had to carry him out. As soon as he got outside, his entire body was covered in my brother's blood. The police made him leave or else they were going to arrest him.

My neighbors all came out of their houses and told me they heard the gunshot but didn't think anything about it. They surrounded me and started hugging me. I wasn't crying, nor was I talking. I guess they just felt compelled to comfort me. They knew what happened before anyone even told them. After a couple hours, I was still surrounded...and then I saw my brother come out in a black body bag. The only place I ever saw those was in movies and shows we watched with my dad. It was so surreal...but still, I didn't cry.

After that happened, my dad moved out of state and didn't tell anyone where he was going. I didn't hear from him for a year. He wasn't doing so well mentally or physically. I went to visit him at his new home and it was awful. He tried to make it enjoyable, but it was just terrible. At that point, I still hadn't cried over my brother. My dad seemed to cry ever couple minutes.

Fast forward to 2019...my dad developed dementia and anytime he'd call me, he would either be crying or yelling at me or saying things he's told me a million times. I couldn't take it anymore. It became too toxic for me to talk to him. In September, I got a phone call from one of my dad's friends saying I needed to check on him. Of course, I didn't want to make that call because we hadn't talked in awhile and it would be absurd for me to call him out of the blue to see what was going on. He didn't answer, which was unusual. I called the police department in his state and told them it would take me hours to get there, but I needed them to go check on him.

At this point, I already knew what happened. I just didn't want to say it. I didn't want it to be a reality. I packed my bags and was about to get in the car to drive up there. The sheriff called me back and told me he was dead. He had shot himself. I started throwing things and broke my bathroom mirror and all of my tvs. After hearing the details from the sheriff, I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself and be done with it. I was the only constant variable in my brother's and my dad's life. Cops came to my house before I could leave and they made me get on the ground and then they handcuffed me. My mom called them because she knew I was about to shoot myself or die suicide by cop. I know I hadn't talked to him in awhile, but he was my rock. He held me together and kept pushing me when I was down and just wanted to quit. I was the last person he had left and I wasn't even enough for him to stay alive.

I have other siblings, but we have different dads. My brother that died was my dad's son. We were so connected. It was like we were twins. Ever since my brother died, I didn't even want anything to do with my other siblings...and after my dad died, I didn't even want anything to do with anyone. The only reason I am still alive is for my daughter. I will let her be enough to keep me alive. I tell myself that every single day. If I don't, I might forget and leave this horrible world behind.

If you're feeling suicidal, remember you aren't alone. There are people just like us. Remember that that is only a temporary solution. That action will rip you away from this life and tear everyone that loves you apart. Their lives will be destroyed and they will never enjoy life the way they did before. Find something that you are passionate about and focus all of your energy on it. Talk to strangers on the internet if you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know or doctors. There are millions of people that will listen to you and give you advice. I am one of those people. I will hold your hand through the dark times and we'll get through it together. Find that one reason to live and hold onto it. Let it be enough to keep you here. The world isn't done with you yet. You have so much more in store!