Stop Telling Your High-Anxiety Friends that “Things Could Always Be Worse”

We’ve all done it. We’ve relied on what have become standard comforting phrases when faced with a situation that requires us to offer reassurance to someone.

“Focus on the positive”

“Look at the bright side”.

“Things could always be worse.”

While they are meant with good intentions, for those dealing with anxiety, the latter of the three especially makes whatever they are going through worse. Now, not only are they dealing with the problem at hand but now are also considering the worst-case scenario, which only increases their anxiety level.

For example, if I say to a friend:

“Gosh I’m so hungry. I haven’t eaten all day”.

And they respond with:

“Well, it could be worse. You could be one of those starving Ethiopian children who haven’t had a meal or fresh water in months.”

At this point, I am now not only trying to block out the sound of my growling stomach, but I’m also googling organizations to help feed starving children in Africa. Thanks, Susan.

Another example. You say to me:

“The stylist cut my hair entirely too short and I really don’t like it”.

I respond with:

“Well Denise, at least you have hair, unlike a lot of cancer patients. You should be thankful that you’re healthy instead of worrying about what you look like.

First of all, that is a super escalation and I need to cool my jets, but now Denise’s original worry of her not liking her appearance has been upgraded to feeling like total crap after thinking about all of those around the world suffering from this terrible disease.

While it is necessary to bring attention to those suffering in the world, when your loved ones are dealing with problems of their own, it is by no means the time to enlighten them on “how easy they have it”.

After all, we must take care of ourselves so that we are in a state mentally and physically to help those who are less fortunate, sick, grieving, and hurting.

What Can You Do Differently?

Listen

Do not listen for keywords or moments of the conversation that you find interesting. Do not listen just to form a reply. Listen so that you can actually understand how your friend feels and WHY they feel that way.

Ask Questions

You can’t truly help your friend if you don’t understand all the situation. If you feel that they may have left out important details in the haste of sharing their emotions, ask them. If something makes little sense or you blanked out for a second and missed something, ask them to repeat a portion of what they told you. Don’t be afraid to clarify the situation before putting in your two cents but be sure not to make it seem like an interrogation.

Figure Out the Purpose of the Conversation

I have begun using a different approach when someone comes to me to talk. After listening to what issue or issues they are currently facing, I ask them, “Okay, are we venting, or are we problem-solving?”

If they are just wanting to get their frustration out, more than likely they simply just want to talk and be heard. However, if they need guidance in what steps to take to figure out how to remedy the problem, then it’s okay to offer your advice on the matter IF you feel it is pertinent and helpful.

If you have no advice to offer because of lack of experience or knowledge in that area, tell them that. Don’t pull things out of your butt crack just to seem helpful.

Don’t Downplay Their Problem

One of the worst things you can do when talking to a friend that has a problem is act like not that big of a deal. This goes back to the “It can always be worse” statement. Sure it can, but that is not what your friend needs to hear. At that moment, the issue that they are facing is one of the worst things currently in their lives, and they are relying on YOU to help them deal with it.

Put Yourself in Their Shoes

How would you want a friend to respond if you came to them with a difficulty that you were facing? Would you want all the things in the world that are worse than what you were dealing with mentioned? Would that make you feel better about your situation? No, it wouldn’t. Keep that in mind when comforting a loved one during a stressful time.

We need each other. We need friends, family, and loved ones to support us during rough times, and in return, we need to be there for them. Relationships are not meant to be one-sided. We need to do less judging and more listening. We especially need to realize that the words that we say when our loved ones are in peril are the ones that they will remember most.

***Note: This story was previously published on Medium.com by the author***